Computer Viruses
Lewinsky Virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer,
then e-mails everyone about what it did.
Ronald Reagan Virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
Mike Tyson Virus: Quits after two bytes.
Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to
100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus: Deletes all old files.
Ellen Degeneres Virus: Disks can no longer be inserted Titanic Virus
(A Strain Of The Lewinsky Virus): Your whole computer goes down.
Disney Virus: Everything in your computer goes Goofy.
Prozac Virus: Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
Joey Buttafuoco Virus: Only attacks minor files.
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus: Terminates some ze files, leaves, but it
vill be baaack.
Lorena Bobbit Virus: Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy
then discards it through Windows.
Viagra Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
Clinton Virus: Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.
Drinking Buddies
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other
and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home
after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to
the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my
shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get
undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes
up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong
approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps,
throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's
butt and say, 'How about a blow job?' and she's always sound asleep.
Fore Play
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball
headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his
hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to
help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if
you'd just allow me!" she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes,"
he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still
clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently
took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,
and she put her hands inside. She began to massage his crotch. She then
asked him: "How does that feel?" To which he replied: "It feels great,
but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Golfing Hitman
There are these friends who play golf together every Saturday. One
Saturday they are getting ready to tee off when a guy, by himself, asks
if he can join them. The friends look at each other and then look at the
guy and say, "Sure."
So they tee off. About two holes into the game, the friends get curious
about what the guy does for a living. So they ask him. The stranger tells
them he's a hitman. The friends all laugh.
The guy says, "No really, I am a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag. I
carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you like."
So one of the friends decides to check it out. He opened the bag and,
sure enough, there is a rifle with a huge scope attached. He gets all
excited and says, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through here! May I
look?" The hit man replies, "Sure."
So the guy looks for a second and says, "YEAH! You can see my house! I
can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife, naked.
Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next door neighbor! And he's naked
too!"
This really upsets the guy, so he asks the hitman how much it would be
for a hit. The hitman replies, "I get $1000 everytime I pull the trigger."
The guy responds, "$1000??? Well, ok. I want two hits. I want you to shoot
my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging at me and I can't stand
it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor in the penis, just for
screwing around with my wife."
The hit man agrees, gears up and looks through the scope. He's looking for
about five minutes until finally the man starts to get really impatient
and asks, "What are you waiting for?!?
The hitman replies, "Just hold on..... I'm a about to save you a thousand
bucks!"
Little Red Riding Hood
Once upon a time. Little Red Riding Hood's mother gave Little Red a .45
caliber gun for protection. Little Red kept this gun in her basket.
One summer day while on the way to her grandmother's house, a big bad wolf
jumped out from behind a tree and howled "I'm going to fuck your brains
out!"
Little Red pulled out her gun from the basket and calmly replied: "Oh no
you're not, you're going to eat me like the story says."
Monica Lewinsky
Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern
washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.
"Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes!" she exclaimed. "No," said the
genie, "You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only
give you on wish."
"Let's see," said Monica, "I don't need fame, because I have plenty of
that due to all of the media coverage. And I don't need money, because
after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money
I could ever want. I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.
Yes, that's it, for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed."
*Poof!*
And just like that..........her ears were gone.
The Accountant and His Wife
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening
that reads: "Dear Wife," that's what he called her, "I am 54 and by the
time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my
beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that
read, "Dear Husband," that's what she called him, "I too am 54 and by the
time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my
handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant will
therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes
into 18."
Walk the dog
A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk
around the block?"
Mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says. "Dad, may I take Belle for
a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat,
and to come talk to you."
Dad said, " Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside
with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and
only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with NO DOG on
the leash.
Dad asked, "Where is Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
and there is another dog pushing her home."
Who is Jack Schitt?
The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a
response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can
intellectually handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N. Schitt
Inc. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious
couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt,
Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt,
a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name: Noe
Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son,
Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout
childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual
ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can
correct them.
3 Wishes
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course,
lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said,
"Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball - don't knock out any
windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest
house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch
out for the houses! All right, let's go up there, apologize and see how
much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle
lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you - I'm a genie that was trapped for a
thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant
three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one
for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the
rest of my life."
"No problem - it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the
genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it
done," the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a
woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money
and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." (And neither did the
wife.)
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After
it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said,
"How old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? That's amazing..."
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