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Travel
Veruca Vasquez Visits The Great Canadian North
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It was supposed to be a relaxing weekend at a health spa. But for one reason or another I ended up here in Canada’s Artic North, hundreds of miles from
anywhere! There are no trees, flowers, hotels, cars, gas stations, restaurants or Wal-Mart’s! Just me,
The frigid cold and some wind worn rocks.
I can’t even get lucky while I’m away either. The house I’m lodging in is run by Nuns, banished from society due to their brutality
on schoolboys. I think if I spend more than a week here I’d probably convert to Nunnerism myself!
Luckily a handsome strapping young Aeroplane pilot by the name of Hans is picking me up in two days and he has informed me of his intentions on our arrival at Labrador City.
I can hardly wait! Which reminds me of the time I accidentally got locked in the washroom with the Captain on an Air Canada flight….
Anyway here I am on the northeastern tip of Labrador. To my right, Hudson Bay, where all the cheap clothes and household accessories originated. To my left the Labrador
Straits, Iceberg valley if you like. Behind me, The Banished Nun’s Guesthouse.
Polar bears and locals sometimes hunt each other for food if things get a bit desperate. But usually they make a hole in the ice and hope some fish swim by. Winters are long;
summer’s short and fly infested.
Right that’s me done. I’m off to eat some seal blubber sandwiches with the Nuns. Oh, suddenly I’ve come over all flush and horny...
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LEISURE
Randy B'Starrd Gets A Healthy Makeover
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After spending a grueling six weeks locked away in a North Korean prison I didn't much feel like another voyage of discovery so
my sexy associate, the ever-enchanting Ms Vasquez went for me. Instead I settled for traditions more closer to home. Yes a nice relaxing
weekend at one of New Brunswick's trendier Health Spas. Farmer Fanny’s Country Retreat.
Nestled deep in the woods of Southern New Brunswick, Frank and Francine Fanny have been running this family owned establishment for over
three weeks now. Frank is a retired sheep farmer and Francine a retired female impersonator (something which baffled me because she was
a woman!)
During my brief three-day stay to rejuvenate myself I under went a barrage of electrolysis to my nasal passages, thus removing unwanted hairs
and other debris that had been bothering me for a while. Next up I took a refreshing swim in the Fannie's sheep dip. The dip itself was loaded
with a cocktail of chemicals aimed at erasing toxins in my skin. Bleach being the prime ingredient. A short while later I took my severely shriveled
body and headed to their Sauna for a thirty-minute steam session. Sixteen hours later I woke up to find myself in hospital having all my body
fluids replaced.
Once back at Fanny’s they urged me to try their nutrient supplement juice. Bottled at source and containing no additives
or preservatives I downed two glasses of the stuff. I found it to be a little warm and full bodied. I asked them what it was and they said it was just
plain old urine aimed at cleaning out the bodies’ organs. I guess they were right; I had vomiting and diarrhea for the three days that followed.
So if you fancy a couple of days at Farmer Fanny’s Health Spa book in advance people are heading there in the dozens! Rooms are $90.00 and
the Nutrient Supplement is sold separately.
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