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SPORTS HEADLINES
Basketball Ace To Retire?
WASHINGTON - Basketball Legend Michael Lebanon said Thursday he plans to play next season. He also said he probably won't play unless his injured knee
lets him. "You guys keep asking me what my plans are. Your asking the wrong part of my anatomy. Ask my knee!" Lebanon blurted out at an un-scheduled press conference. Michael who does not usually speak
because of contractual obligations broke his silence after speculation increased about his future. "My knees makes the choices, I can also tell you that maybe next season my left knee
will also request a sabbatical" Lebanon who has played a total of 23 seconds of game time in the last four years may well be letting his knees force him to retire.
Motorsport Veteran Aims for Cup
After no career wins and 16 consecutive seasons with at least one finish, Dusty Walpole is still hungry for a stab at the Wilfred Cup Auto trophy title. "I'm fired up
like never before" A hungry Dusty spat! "It's been too long coming!" Dusty, 68 has seen his fair share of motor racing success. His father Burl and his son Skip have both been Wilfred Cup
champions. Before I retire I'm gonna cross the chequered flag, then I'm gonna take me a win!" So far this season Dusty has failed to qualify in any of the events.
Kentucky River gears up for US Hockey Showdown
KENTUCKY - The US National Underwater Hockey 2002 championship is under way at the Nickatee River. Teams have to battle it out along the half mile stretch of river. River boat Police will be
keeping a watchful eye on the event. Play is expected to start Friday at 1am and continue until the following Sunday. "Its gonna be dark down there" Coach Saliza Fortin commented. "These guys have to
battle not just the pucks, but strong currents, heavy oxygen tanks and complete darkness for 48 hours!" Reigning Champs the Florida Frogmen take on the Tennessee Toads this year.
Annual Hammock Twirling Gears UP
FORT BUNYON, ALTA - The 2002 Hammock Twirling Championships gets under way here next Thursday easily out selling the Calgary Buffalo Street
Stampede! Thousands of spectators and wannabe twirlers from all over Canada will witness this three day event. Dressed in floral gingham dresses and steel
toe cap boots, the sight of grown men twirling hammocks over their heads is truly insane. As the rules go the last team twirling after three days wins. Former Hammock Twirler Stan Stipowicz remembers last year.
"It's a tough event" It saps all the energy from you. Standing there twirling two hammocks over your head for over 72 hours is a tall order. I remember last year our team gave up
after 63 hours due to loss of bowel control. We all had diarrea it was the pits" This year any such accidents will not be so noticeable. Every member has the option of wearing a giant dyper incase such an event may occur
NB Man Drafted
BOUQUETVILLE, NB - Gaston LeMesurier, the lightening quick rookie for the Acadie-Bacadie Tetons has been drafted
to plays in the Majors next season. LeMesurier who heralds from the small fishing town of Bouquetville will be trying out this summer for the Philadelphia Phillies Cheerleading squad. "It's a dream
from up in heaven" Gaston beamed. "To train for this is like a sunburned kiss!" Gaston who scored 67 league goals and 98 assists will be sorely missed at his old club. "He was our best player"
Coach Real Pavements lamented. "He had another season with us at least. I wish him only success!"
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TOP STORY
Jethro Savage Reports On The Benefits Alcohol has brought to Sports
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When you win you win. No matter how you win its a win! What do you do? You celebrate!
How do you do it? Well there are many ways actually. You could go out for a meal, knock back a few glasses of Cognac, get rat-arsed in the nearest bar or
get smashed infront of the TV in the comfort of your own home!
Most people prefer to drink. Drinking is good
for you. It thins the blood, it alters your mind and it gets you noticed. Infact drinking and sports are one and the same!
Look at Boxing legend Mehammered Itin. He always had a few pre boxing Buds before beating off the opposition! Then there was the entire Russian
Winter Olympic Team of '78. They won more medals than the Americans had nuclear missiles! All drinking Vladivostok Vodka! You name it they're
drinking it!
I didn't become New Brunswick's Regional golf champion for 5 straight years drinking sparkling mountain spring water! I was knocking
back Whiskeys! A bottle of Jacky D in the morning and another after a match! Unbeatable! You wonder why booze is one of Sports major sponsors? Well
wonder no more. It makes us who we are! That reminds me I'm off for a couple of snifters before I forget where I am!
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