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Issue 35  |  WINTER 2012-13  |  Well written, seldom taken seriously  |   Contact us  

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Mars Curiosity Rover Discovers Giant Smiling Egg

This incredible photo taken by the Mars Rover 'Opportunity' Shows the Moment 'Curosity' Came In Contact With a Large Smiling Egg.

NASA, Washington D.C (AP) - Less than four months after Martian Rover 'Curiosity' touched down in the Gale Crater history has been made with the life changing discovery of what appears to be an egg-like alien.

As luck would have it a nearby Rover called 'Opportunity' who landed on Mars back in 2004 was on hand to take this stunning shot.

NASA however upon receiving the picture were quick to dispel rumours that they had in fact discovered life on Mars.

"What you see is a dome shaped object with what appears to be a smiling face imprinted on it. It is too early to conclude that this is an unidentified Alien species or not.” NASA's Chief of Operations Ashford Kent explained. “Unfortuntely after taking this picture both of our Rovers happily continued on their journey across the dusty landscape in search of Methane."

While images of the picture have sent shock waves across the planet, NASA are desperately trying to rig a remote control device to get 'Curiosity' to turn back to do more analysis on the egg like anomalie.

"Unfortunately our Rover's are programmed to dig, so when these boys got together shortly after that shot was snapped they were off like two puppies on heat!”

Canadian Prime Minister Reveals New Hairstyle.

Prime Minister Harper Looking A Little Uneasy Yesterday During A Fundraiser.

OTTAWA, Canada (AP) - Prime Minister Harper appeared almost unrecognizable yesterday at a Charity fundraiser in Ottawa. It is believed that recent dismissal of his long time hair stylist, Sevilla Chitsowicz and the hiring of Barbie Bumstirrups, former hairstylist to the demented attention seeking multi-millionaire American Donald Trump was the reason behind this sudden makeover.

Harper appeared edgy and uncomfortable according to close aides. He made minimal interaction with those fortunate to speak with him. Often smiling coyly and swifty dismissing well wishers with a half hearted 'Good day'.

It was the first time the Canadian Prime Minister had been out in public since he and his former stylist parted ways.

“He had a very emotional day.” An aide observed. “He really misses his old hairstyle, but at the same time realized it is time to move forward. He strongly believes the 'Trumpy-cut' will grow on him in time. Its just a matter of when.”

MuckDoanald's Sees Profits Decline.

Billionaire Restauranter Malcolm MuckDoanald (Pictured) Following His Arrest.

CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) - Stocks in MuckDoanald's plummeted sharply yesterday following the arrest of their founder Malcolm MuckDoanald. This triggered trillions of tweets from terrified punters as they panicked over the future of the worlds fastest fast food chain.

From Hong Kong to Papua New Guinea stocks plummeted over concerns of an imminent global shutdown. Data showed European and North American consumers were staying away in their droves following MuckDoanald's arrest.

The news came following months of mounting pressure by the media over mounting allegations that he physically and mentally abused customers on his premises over a forty year period. Often dancing around tables, prodding his customers consumable products and randomly rubbing their heads as they dined.

Despite the suddent dip in profits there did appear to be a glimmer of hope from China as millions flocked to the beleaguered enterprise following a sudden unexplained closure of all other fast food outlets across the country.

North Korea Invents World's First Television

North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un Proudly Demonstrating The 'On' Button of a Television He Claims To Have Invented For The 'All Continuing Good Of The Nation'.

Pyongyang, North Korea (AP) - Flanked by high ranking military personnel and thousands of terrified locals Kim Jong-un unveiled to the world the dawn of television.

Addressing the nation he declared “Welcome to Television. You turn it on and you have a living breathing picture. You will have news everyday to watch, to listen and to learn from. You will no longer have to sit and listen to pre-recorded instructions on your PNK 91.9 News Talks Socialism at your kitchen table. You will be able to watch PNKTV for eight hours every day from 8am until 4pm. We give you news, education and music all from your Television. You will buy this machine or you will be sentenced to death by mortar bomb squad.” He smiled saluting his thousands of loyal citizens.

This coming just weeks after the World's first hotel opened in Pyongyang after taking only thirty-five years to complete.


Victoria Secret Model Babette Bardot Remembered.

Babette Pictured Outside Her Home Circa 2009 (File Photo)

PARIS, France (AP) - Babette Bardot was a French model. Bardot was best known for her work with Victoria's Secret and had modelled for top brand names such as Top Shop, George, Millets and Planters Peanuts.

Bardot was born in Bergerac, France on January 1, 1951. Her parents, who were of Bulgarian and Belgian descent, ran a confectionery shop and were actively involved in Bullfighting.

She enrolled in a modelling class at the age of five and by the age of eleven she became one of twenty finalists vying for an elite modelling competition in Scunthorpe, England. Bardot was always insecure about her large toes and at aged twelve, had them surgically removed.

Bardot's first notable modelling job was featured on the cover of French Farmers Magazine 'Fumier' appearing as a semi-nude muck spreader. 'Fumier' then passed along some of her negatives to British tabloid magazine 'The News Of The World' which led to her appearing in numerous raunchy Calenders such as the 1971 'British Female Tractor Driver' Calendar and the 'Dutch Nude Dog Owners' Calendar of 1973.

Eventually Bardot got her break becoming the face and body of Victoria Secret for the next twelve years.

By the late 1980's her career began to slide down the slippery slope of anonymity thanks to a condition causing severe bloating and acne. This, many people believed, was caused by her strict diet of lettuce and tadpole egg salads.

Numerous brushings with the law coupled by her appetite for cocaine and fried tissue paper ended her career completely in 1990

A chance invitation to star in the reality show 'Down And Out Down Under' briefly revived her dormant career albeit for two episodes after she was sensationally airlifted from the show following an extreme allergic reaction to shellfish.

Babette Bardot leaves behind a catfish called Bruce and and several unaccounted for relatives.

New Brunswick Nears Bankruptcy As Jobless Rate Soars.

Soup Kitchen Line-Ups have quadrupled In Recent Weeks Thanks A The Massive Surge In Unemployement.

FREDERICTON, New Brunswick (AP) - Statistics Canada revealed last month that over three million people were unemployed in New Brunswick, more than three times the population of the Province.

"We have a lot of unemployment. More people are unemployed in New Brunswick than actually live here! That is how bad things are!" New Brunswick Premier David Awkward stressed at a recent fund-raising campaign held outside a recently decommissioned Liquor store in Fredericton.

New Brunswick's unemployment rate is so ridiculous that statistics showed as of last month only 27,000 people were in gainful employment - all of them Federal employees and all of them working for the Atlantic Canada Opportunities Agency.

"We have no public transport, no public health, no labour force, no teachers, no police, and no sausage vendors but we have 27,000 French sounding Canadians working for a company that is now promoting the Atlantic Canada Unemployment Plan!" Premier Awkward gasped, utterly perplexed.

Here at home the City of Moncton's unemployment rate hit a record high of 91.9% per cent, up slightly from 88.9% per cent last month, which is the highest of any census metropolitan area in Canada.

"Us here in New Brunswick are affectionately referred to as the "Borrowing Province" on account of our insatiable appetite for spending way beyond our financial means and putting our children through Hockey camps all year round." A senior Atlantic Canada Unemployment Planner commented.

While New Brunswick’s economic future looks abysmal, the rest of the Canadian economy continues to flourish, which at least is good news for everywhere else.

Saint John Crowned Top Canadian City For Family Violence - Poll.

Scenes Like This File Photo Can Be Seen All Over Saint John.

SAINT JOHN, NB (AP) - There were roughly 99,000 calls received during 2010 reporting acts of violence towards families from the Saint John region, Statistics Canada has revealed - making the historic port city of New Brunswick the go-to place for Family Violence.

Hazmat LeBlanc, Executive Director of the 'Saint John Regional Family Violence Drop-Inn Centre' voiced her concerns.

"These statistics are truly horrific!" LeBlanc exclaimed. “Each year we receive more and more battered and bullied families. Only last year Kurt Irving, Co-owner of 'Irving Oil Sands' and 'Lumber-land' donated several million dollars to build a small town just north of Browns Flats in order for us to house the poorly treated and abused. We are fast approaching a critical point of having no more room at the Inn!”

Deputy RCMP Police Chief Jarred Gunt agreed. "While the numbers are staggeringly high we still answer the phones as much as we can". He shrugged.

It is believed that the root cause of the steep rise in family violence is linked to several factors - genetic disposition, an insatiable appetite for borrowing, a staggering increase in drunk Hockey mum's and dad's and an unhealthy rise in the consumption of prescription drug abuse amongst males and females.

"You mix this lot up and you have a recipe for Family Violence." Barbara Bunnox, regional psychiatrist pointed out.

Newfoundland Gets Brand New Waste Management Facility

State Of The Art Technology Is Helping Rid Newfoundland of Its Rubbish By Dumping It All In Stephenville.

CORNERBROOK, Newfoundland & Labrador (AP) A new waste management facility in the middle of Stephenville has opened, and is the first municipal landfill in the province to contain a liner to prevent landfill pollutants from leaking into the soil, drinking wells and people's basements.

The new landfill is part of a provincial solid waste management strategy that has so far seen the closure of all landfills across Newfoundland.

Municipal Affairs Minister Kenny O’Flatly said the plan continues to progress.

“As a result of all closures of waste management facilities across the Province, the idea of disposing all waste in one place is by far the simplest solution. Since we cannot afford to re-cycle anything it is simpler for us just to tip all our waste in one spot."

The main part of the project was the construction of a new landfill, administration building, a maintenance garage, public drop off area and a weighing scales. It was determined that Stephenville, a largely non-descript former second world war US army base, would be the perfect place to dump all of Newfoundland's garbage.

Hair Cut Attack Setback As Culprits Caught

Celebrity Mullet Wearing Bounty Hunter Duane Chapman (File Photo) Is A Firm Supporter Of The Hawaiian Order of The Acadish Amish.

MONCTON, NB (AP) - A breakaway Amish group who call themselves 'Acadish' have been accused of carrying out hair-cutting attacks against non-members of their faith it has been reported.

Michel Mullet Jr and seventy or or so followers, mostly his sons, are set to go on trial Monday in Moncton charged with hate crimes.

Over the last eighteen months the rogue religious group have predominantly carried out attacks on white English-only speaking Christians.

"If those who oppose the Acadish way don't obey you punish them.” One of Michel Mullets nephews said recently from his hideaway mountain home in Maine.

"Hair cutting is hair cutting. Its purification of one's soul. We are not out to maim or murder, just cut the hair of of those who violate our basic principles.”

The Acadish, a mixed breed of Chiac and Breyon speaking Amish believe the Bible instructs women to let their hair down once in a while in nightclubs so long as their men can drink alcoholic beverages and shave and bathe once in a while.


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