• Quarter Horses: Definitely jocks. Strutting around flexing those muscles, showing off their butts....yeah, jocks allright!
• Thoroughbreds: Preppies. Sometimes athletes, never 'jocks'. Monogrammed blankets, leather halters, Nike eventer shoes, the latest custom trailer and tack.
• Appaloosas: Could only be the stoners. They like to trip acid so they can watch their spots move.
• Arabians: RAH! RAH! SIS BOOM BAH! GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TEAM!! (need I say more?)
• Shetland Ponies: Frightening, spiky hairdos, snotty attitude and any color of the rainbow .... gotta be PUNKS. Some even sport tattoos.
• Connemaras: Gorgeous chicks with sultry eyelashes, sexy curves, devil-may-care attitudes. NOT into studying or anything to do with geometry. Great fun to be around, delightful senses of humour, and the world's best pranksters. Can usually be found in the nearest bar, entertaining the masses. Fast and easy.
• Friesians: Big, buff, and always in black, they are the biker clique. Cigs hanging out of the corner of their mouths, dangerous glint in the eyes, daring anyone to cross their path.
• Morgans: They're the nerdy teacher's pets, running around doing everything from yearbook to decorating the gym and ratting out the bikers, stoners and jocks. They have perpetual wedgies.
• Drafts (all breeds): No real clique, they're just the big guys who sit in the back of the room and fart a lot (and then laugh). Who's going to STOP them?
• Icelandics and Paso Finos: They're the little squirrely geeks who flit around a dance trying to fit in and fail miserably. The kind who wear Toughskins jeans from Sears.
• Ahkle Tekl (Akle Takl? Ackle Tackle....!! Akhal Teke!!): Foreign exchange student(s). And no one can spell their names either.
• Hackney Ponies: A breed this manic would have to be a band geek. Marching along with their knees and heads held high.....even going to the bathroom.
• Warmbloods: The school staff and faculty. Looking down their noses with righteous indignation and disgust. Secretly wishing they were having half as much fun!

• When in doubt, run far, far away.
• You can never have too many treats.
• Passing gas in public is nothing to be ashamed of.
• New shoes are an absolute necessity every 6 weeks.
• Ignore cues. They're just a prompt to do more work.
• Everyone loves a good, wet, slobbery kiss.
• Never run when you can trot. Never trot when you can walk. And never walk when you can stand still.
• Heaven is eating at least 10 hours a day... and then sleeping the rest.
• Eat plenty of roughage.
• Great legs and a nice rear will get you anywhere. Big, brown eyes help too.
• When you want your way, stomp hard on the nearest foot.
• In times of crisis, take a poop.
• Act dumb when faced with a task you don't want to do.
• Follow the herd. That way, you can't be singled out to take the blame.
• A swift kick in the butt will get anyone's attention.
• Love those who love you back, especially if they have something good to eat.

The difference between Horses and Husbands:

1.Husbands are less expensive to shoe than horses.
2.Feeding a husband doesn't require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay
3.A lame husband can still work
4.A husband with a bellyache doesn't have to be walked
5.Husbands don't try to scratch their heads on your back
6.They are better able to understand puns
7.If they are playing hard to catch, you **may** be able to run them down on foot
8.They know their name
9.They usually pay their own bills
10.They apologize when they step on your toes
11.No saddle fitting problems
12.They seldom refuse to get into the vehicle
13.They don't panic - running and yelling all through the house when you leave them alone (unless you've left the kids with them too!)
14.For a nominal fee, you can hire someone else to clip them
15.They don't like the lady next door just as well as you, just because she fed him for 3 days straight

The Horse's Advantage:

1.If they don't work out you can sell them
2.They don't come complete with in-laws
3.You don't have to worry about your children looking like them
4.You never have to iron their saddle pads
5.If you get too fat for one, you can shop for a bigger one
6.They smell good when they sweat
7.You can repair their "clothes" with duct tape
8.It's possible to keep them from "jumping the fence" ...
9.You can force them to stay in good physical condition ... with a whip if necessary
10.They don't want their turn at the computer
11.They may turn white with age, but never go bald
12.They have never heard of PMS
13.They learn to accept restraint
14.They don't care what you look like as long as you have a carrot or an apple

How to interpret classified horse ads

• BIG TROT: can't canter within a two mile straightaway
• NICELY STARTED: lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet
• TOP SHOW HORSE: won a reserve champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to tornado warnings
• HOME BRED: knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch
• BIG BONED: good thing he has a mane and tail, or he would be mistaken for a cow
• NO VICES: especially when he wears his muzzle
• BOLD: runaway
• GOOD MOVER: runaway
• ATHLETIC: runaway
• NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER: runaway
• WELL MANNERED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bitten, or kicked anyone for a week
• PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bitten, or kicked anyone for a month
• RECENTLY VETTED: someone else found something really wrong with this horse
• TO GOOD HOME ONLY: not really for sale unless you can 1) pay twice what he is worth 2) are willing to sign a 10 page legal document 3) allow current owner to tuck in beddy-bye every night
• LIGHT CRIBBER: we can't afford to build anymore fences and barns for the buzz saw
• EXCELLENT DISPOSITION: never been out of the stall
• CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS: clippity clippity is the sound his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him.

• A friend gives you a horse... You build a small shelter...$750
• You fence in a paddock...$450
• Purchase small truck to haul hay...$12,000
• Purchase a 2 horse trailer...$2,800
• Purchase 2nd horse...$2,500
• Build larger shelter with storage...$2,000
• More fencing...$1,200 Purchase 3rd horse...$3,000
• Purchase 4 horse trailer...$7,500
• Purchase larger truck...$18,000
• Purchase 4 acres next door...$28,000
• More fencing...$2,000
• Build small barn...$16,000
• Purchase camper for truck...$9,000
• Purchase tractor...$12,000
• Purchase 4th & 5th horse...$6,500
• Purchase 20 acres...$185,000
• Build house...$135,000
• Build barn...$36,000
• More fencing & corrals...$24,000
• Build covered arena...$82,000
• Purchase a BIG truck...$34,000
• Purchase horse trailer w/living quarters...$32,000
• Purchase 6th, 7th & 8th horse...$10,750
• Hire full time trainer...$40,000
• Build house for trainer...$84,000
• Buy motor home for shows...$125,000
• Hire attorney. Wife leaving you for trainer...$5,000

  Declare bankruptcy, wife takes everything and runs off with trainer. Friend feels sorry for you...gives you a horse.....

10.Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get Off, Stupid! GET OFF!"
9.Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8.Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
7.Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing; they might as well know now.
6.Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5.Hone your fibbing skills: " See, hon, moving hay bales is FUN! "and, "no, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place"
4.Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3.Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be: bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, " This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is..."

THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN:

1.Marry money.

10. Found ice-fishing too stimulating.
9. I enjoy wearing full formal wear rain or shine.
8. Who wouldn't love spending afternoons riding in circles getting yelled at.
7. Just love subjecting friends and family to my latest equine video spectacular.
6. My chiropractor needs a new car.
5. Wanted to find a place my husband wouldn't go - aka. the barn.
4. I'm tired of spending cold winters by the fire, and hot summers by the pool.
3. My lawyer wanted me to have 3 judges.
2. Lived for the sport where I could say "Piaffe" to the judges.
1. I had way too much money in my bank account.

• There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
• No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
• The least useful horse in you barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
• A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
• Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn.
• Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.
• Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you.
• Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped.
• If you approach within fifty feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty.
• The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn.
• Your barn will fall down without baling twine.
• Hoof picks always run a way from home.
• If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
• If you are winning, quit there is only one way to go. Down!

She thinks he is the finest thing that ever jogged a rail.
She calls him Dandy Darling, and if the truth I tell,
That fancy pampered Quarter Horse has made my life pure hell!
My wife she used to cook for me and serve it with champagne.
But now she'd rather feed that horse and fix him special grain!
She rides him every morning, and grooms him half the night.
And the last time that she kissed ME, was just to be polite!
He dresses better than I do, with matching wraps and ties.
My wardrobe's so neglected now, that I attract the flies!
One day my wife was shopping, she was way down at the mall.
And fancy, pampered DANDY was just a standing in his stall.
He looked so smug and sassy, that I began to grin.
I'd saddle that fat sucker up, and take him for a spin!!
I've wondered since if the cues I gave, he may have misconstrued.
Cause when I climbed aboard that horse, he rightly came UNGLUED!!!!
He bucked and spun, and snorted fire, then threw me through a fence!
I saw big stars and there are 6 teeth, that I ain't heard from since!
My wife came home and saw me, just a lying in the dirt.
She rushed up to her HORSE and asked him, "Sweetheart are you HURT?"
He'd scratched his nose a little bit, and the memory galls me yet......
She left me lying in the mud, and ran to call the VET!!!

LOOKING GOOD
One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse. Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer, "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you $500 for him. "He doesn't look so good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said. The man insisted, "I think he looks just fine, and I'll up the price to $1,000." "He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours." The next day the man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse. You cheated me!" The farmer calmly replied, "I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"