How to Give Your Cat a Pill
- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in palm of right
hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
- Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
- Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
- Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
side of ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
- Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
Hummell figures from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
- Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with cat's head
just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down cat's throat through drinking
straw.
- Check label to make sure pill is not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
- Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door on the neck, just leaving the head showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
- Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold
compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw tee
shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
- Ring fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Remove last pill from foil-wrap.
- Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to
leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves in shed, force cat's
mouth open with a small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large
piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down
throat to wash pill down.
- Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor
stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call
furniture shop on way home to order new table.
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