A speech I preformed at contest 2001
When I first started the purple honey bee shaped refrigerator magnets company, they said I couldn't do it. They said I couldn't find anyone who would be willing to work a sixty hour week for bananas. They said this work is too boring and tedious to find lasting, dedicated employees. And when they said that a monkey could do this job, I said, "Exactly!" And I couldn't have done it without you monkeys, Oh yes I’m sorry, I know names such as monkey, ape, baboon are offensive to you. You have made it quite clear that you wish to be referred to as the Primate Workers of America. Well fellow primates, I am holding this banquet especially in your honor. I hope you've all enjoyed your year end bonus. The bananas were imported from only the best trees of the finest orchards.
I have a number of points to address tonight. First, I must mention that unfortunately the entertainment for tonight has been canceled due to another one of Davy Jones' temper tantrums. How do his monkeys put up with him. Now, now, there's no need to go nuts. We have lined up some juggling chimps at short notice.
Secondly, I'd like to share with all of you the inspiring success story of one of our fine workers. Employee number 978534 is that worker. When we here at purple honey bee shaped refrigerator magnets incorporated found him he was working on the city streets as the partner of an organ grinder. He lived in a small cardboard box out side an apartment and lived on spare change. To get food he competed with the pigeons in the park for bread crumbs thrown by passers by. But now he lives in a spacious two by two foot cage in our purple honey bee shaped refrigerator magnets incorporated employee housing facility and enjoys his three banana a day salary. Best of all he's replaced the flashy and degrading vest and cap of an organ grinder monkey with the proud blue jump suit of an assembly line worker with his own worker inventory number emblazoned on the front pocket. There you have it, purple honey bee refrigerator magnets incorporated really does make the dreams of it's workers come true. Thank you number 978534 for you service to our company.
Thirdly, I would like to take this opportunity to address some recent concerns and rumors that are being spread among the employees. I know some of you have been saying that the people passing by the windows in the employee housing facility are paying to see you. I assure you, we are not running a zoo or a circus here. The windows are large to conserve electricity by letting sun light in reducing the need for lamp light, and the patrons..uh people are stopping as they pass by because they are in awe of my accomplishments, what with the work I put in to hire the people to train you and to cut the ribbon at the factory dedication. These passers-by are not paying customers. Also, there is a reason there is no heat or running water in the building. It goes back to conserving electricity. Just think, if we used up all this energy then soon people would be cutting more rainforests to dig up more coal or more natural gas and then what would become of your wild cousins. And water, if we use up all the water whatever would the sea monkeys of earth do? Really, wouldn't you rather sacrifice a little warmth and water for the greater good of your species? Now, I hope those matters are settled.
Forthly, before I turn you over to the flying chimpzinees, I must deliver some news that you may not like, but I assure you it's in your companies best interest. With increased demand we are being forced to initiate a seventy hour work week to make this year's quota. Pay will be reduced to only two bananas per day. We need some new rules on the assembly floor. Effective immediately there will be no more grooming of fellow workers, making sounds such a “ah-ah” or “ie-ie,” or hanging from the factory ceiling during work hours. And..... Hey, what are you doing? Is that banana in your hands? No, oh, no please. I made you! You can't do this. No, don't throw that! I'll send you back to the zoo, no, you ungrateful ingrates, no........
