Jim stood on the corner waiting for his bus. The late fall breeze tugged at his tie, and he adjusted it along with the crease in his neatly pressed slacks. Then he smoothed down his thinning hair. He looked around the bleak cityscape and held his expensive leather briefcase a little closer to himself. He was not at all pleased with having to take the bus in such a bad part of town with all the street riffraff wandering around, but his car was in the shop. He checked his watch and hoped the bus would be here soon.
Out of the corner of his eye Jim saw something that made him cringe inside. Walking up the sidewalk, right toward the bus stop, was the most insane looking of all the crazies Jim had yet seen. The man had on a florescent lime green shirt, a pair of ridiculous yellow and red striped pants, red sneakers, and an outrageous hat that made him stand out above the crowd like some sort of twisted Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade float. He had long grungy hair and that tell tale grin of insanity plastered across his face. If Jim hadn’t been so afraid of the man, he might have laughed out loud at him as if he were a circus clown.
The tension in Jim's body and the voice in his head pleading “Please, no, please, don't let him come over here, oh please, oh please, no!” grew stronger and stronger as the man came closer and closer. He could feel new wrinkles forming in his already stress-lined face. He was concentrating so hard on trying to mentally force the man away, Jim didn't even notice the man was now standing right beside him.
“Hi,” said the man.
Jim jumped a little and nearly cried out in surprise as he realized the deranged looking man was barely a foot away.
The man continued, “My name is Robert Reginald Montgomery the III, Lord and Master of all of La La Land, but you can call me Bob. I pass by here everyday, and I've never seen you. It's nice to meet you.” Bob extended his hand for Jim to shake.
“Nice to meet you, too,” Jim muttered without looking the man in the eyes. He put out his hand very briefly just to be polite and then quickly pulled it back. Jim remained staring straight ahead, motionless and silent, hoping the man would leave it at that. He didn't.
“So..uh...Jim,” said Bob bending to read the engraved name plate on Jim’s briefcase, “Jim, have you ever heard of the giant purple bananas? They come for you in your sleep and take you away. No one knows what they do with you, probably nothing good.”
“No, I haven’t,” said Jim, uncomfortable to say the least.
“Well, good thing I warned you then. You see, if you hang a piece of garlic cheddar and Monterey jack cheese over your bed and hop up and down three times before you go to sleep, they can't touch you. Remember that.”
Jim said nothing. “I guess you're not too talkative today,” said Bob. “Not in a good mood? I'm a little miffed myself. It's because the aliens stole my dancing shoes. They were my absolute favorite pair, but those darn aliens just think they can go around taking whatever they want.”
“The aliens and Captain Planet, they’re in cahoots, ya know. The aliens steal my stuff, and Captain Planet comes into my house with them and takes my grape juice. I tricked him though, I switched to grape flavored Kool-Aid. Haha, I got him good. All this time he thinks he’s been drinking grape juice and it’s really...” He paused a moment, bending down as if listening to someone whispering to him. “What's that? Oh, I'm sorry. How rude of me. I forgot to introduce my friend. His name is William Thomas Smith the ninth but we just call him Cheese. He's delighted to meet you.”
“There's no one there,” said Jim. He was beginning to get impatient with the late bus and this crazy man.
“Of course there's no one there,” said Bob, pointing to the spot where Jim was looking. “He's over here.”
“Listen, you..you..psycho,” said Jim, having completely lost his temper. “I don't have the time or the patience to listen to your ridiculous raving.” He dropped his briefcase and began gesticulating wildly. “Would you let me be, and just go away!”
“Geez, man, sorry,” said Bob as he turned to go.
Jim gathered himself and felt relieved Bob was going. Then he noticed it. His briefcase was missing. “Hey,” cried Jim, panicked and enraged. “Come back you thief!”
Bob calmly walked back. “What's wrong?” he asked innocently.
“My briefcase is missing, and you took it. I don't know how you did it, but you took it.” Jim's bus rumbled up and sped off, but he couldn't get on without the important documents in that briefcase. He grew even more frustrated. “Where is it?” he demanded. “I know you have it. Where did you put it?”
“Whoa, hold on,” said Bob, “I didn't take your briefcase. Oh man, I bet it was the aliens. Those guys have sticky fingers. They're living large too, what with having my dancing shoes and your briefcase. Just last month they got Cheese's suspenders.”
“You nut,” said Jim, “there are no aliens. There's just you and me and the other people here. Somebody has my briefcase.” He surveyed the people at the bus stop, but no one had any place to conceal his precious briefcase. “Someone must have grabbed it and run off. I'm going to find it, and you're going to help me. It's your fault that it's gone.”
“Well, all right,” said Bob. “I haven't got anything better to do.” Bob followed Jim down the street as he rushed to find the hoodlum who had made off with his briefcase.
Jim hurried down the block, but he soon realized he wasn't going to find the briefcase this way. Still, something in his instincts told him to turn into the alley. Bob followed. Jim poked around, but there was no one in the alley and no briefcase.
Jim was distraught and nearly on the verge of tears over the way this miserable day had been going. Jim sighed. Then the sigh turned into a piercing scream as a bright crimson tractor beam shown down on him and began to tow him into the sky.
“I told him about the aliens,” said Bob shaking his head, “but he just wouldn't listen. Come on, Cheese, let's go to the zoo and see what the monkeys are doing. What’s that Cheese? Is that Jim’s briefcase you have there? Cheese,” Bob shook his head again in disappointment, “that wasn’t very nice.”
