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Cheesy Jokes
A man was in an ice cream parlor waiting to buy some ice cream. There was one lady in front of
him. She ordered a chocolate cone.
The soda-jerk told her he's sorry but they have run out of chocolate. She said, "OK, then I'll
have some chocolate."
He told her, "Lady, I'm out of chocolate."
Once again she said, "OK, I'll just have some chocolate."
Exasperated, he said, "Lady, spell VAN as in vanilla."
She spelled van.
He said, "Good, now spell STRAW as in strawberry."
She spelled straw.
He said, "Good, now spell FUCK as in chocolate."
The lady said, "There is no fuck in chocolate."
He replied, "That's what I'm trying to tell you."
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A Canadian lumber camp advertises for a lumberjack.
A skinny little guy shows up at the camp the next day carrying an axe. The head lumberjack takes
one look at the puny little guy and tells him to get lost.
"Give me a chance to show you what I can do," says the skinny guy.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" says the head lumberjack. "Take your axe and cut it
down."
The guy heads for the tree, and in five minutes he's knocking on the lumberjack's door.
"I cut the tree down," says the guy.
The lumberjack can't believe his eyes and says, "Where did you learn to chop down trees like
that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," says the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," says the lumberjack.
"Sure......!! That's what they call it now!"
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Two men in their 80's are talking in the park. The first one looks at his watch and says, "I
must go now, it's time to meet my wife for sex."
The other man says, "We're in our 80's now -- how do you still manage to get it hard?"
"By eating a lot of Rye bread," comes the reply. "That makes it hard as a rock."
The man has to try it and goes to the bakery. He asks the girl for ten loaves of rye bread. The
girl asks if it's for a party and he replies, "No, it's all for me."
The girl says, "All for you, it's going to get hard."
The man replies, "Everybody knows about it but me !!!!"
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A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of
whisky at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a
nap, with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They
saw him, and one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."
She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided
him at his birth.
Her friend said, "Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be rewarded!" So,
she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the
Scotsman, and the two walked away.
Several minutes later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the
other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue ribbon
was tied. After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said...
"I dinna know where y'been lad...but it's nice ta'know y'won first prize!"
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A scientist was successful in cloning himself.
He was asked to speak at a national convention of cloning scientists. The meeting room was
located on the 45th floor of a New York skyscraper.
The scientist arrived with his clone and proceeded to the podium. The clone sat at the end of
the head table. The scientist began the speech intending a tribute to the advances in the field
of modern biology.
"My fellow scientists," he began. But before he could utter another word, the clone sprang to
his feet and shouted out, "He's an ASSHOLE!". The crowd began to murmur as the scientist
commanded the clone to "Sit down and shut-up!" Apologizing for the interruption, the scientist
began again, "My fellow scientists..." Again the clone sprang to his feet and yelled, "This
dumb ASS couldn't produce a copy on a Xerox. He's a fraudulent SON-OF-A-BITCH!".
Incensed, the scientist rushed to the clone, grabbed him, and threw him out of the window.
The crowd gasped and security rushed into the room. A short while later New York's finest arrived
and were explained the events that had transpired.
The police chief said to the scientist, "We are going to have to arrest you." The scientist
replied, "For what? I have committed no crime. What fell from the window was a clone, not a
person." The attending scientists nodded in agreement. "Well," retorted the police chief, "we
cannot let this
heinous act go unchallenged."
The police chief thought for a moment and then ordered the scientist held, for "Making an
obscene clone fall...."
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A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge
field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is
just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me
mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
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There is a small business owner. He has two employees, Jack & Jill. Business is bad and he has
to lay one of them off but is having a hard time deciding which one to let go.
He decides whichever of them leaves for lunch first gets it. Both of them stay and eat at their
desks.
Then he decides that whoever leaves work first at the end of the day will be the one. They both
get up and leave at the same time.
He has to let one go. Which one? Jill, it has to be Jill. The owner walks out to Jills car as
she is about to get in and says, "Jill, I am trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off.
What do you think?"
Jill says, "You'd better just jack off. I am already late for an appointment."
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Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. One tree says
to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The tall tree says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a
birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor
a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
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A dog with one leg walks into a western bar and says to the bartender......
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw...."
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A drunken blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like, and she replies,
"Gimme a beer."
The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"
To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"
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A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window
to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand.
He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking
down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive
he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty. Would you
like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a
close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."
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God is talking to one of his angels.
He says, "Boy, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth."
The angel says, "What are you going to do now?"
God says, "Call it a day."
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