*More really pretentious music (which sounds as though it were composed by monkeys and performed by two-year-old children, or maybe vice-versa) starts up as the scene fades in*

Narrator: Oh, the humanity! Spandexman, while facing off against his archrival, the Evil Magician Treize, is hit by a blast from Treize's secret weapon, the horrible Stain Ray! Can our heroes overcome this threat to their hand-washables in time to save Relena, and the world?!

Duo: *crouching next to Heero* C'mon, you have to get up! You can do it!

Heero: *panting* No... Go on without me... I'm powerless without my spandex...

Treize: NYAH HA HA! At last, I'll rid myself of Spandexman and the Braided Wonder! And then the world will be MINE!

Duo: You won't get away with this, damn you! *pulls out a Sani-Nap and starts dabbing at the green ketchup stain on the front of Heero's costume* Hang in there, buddy...

Treize: Oh, no you don't! *aims the gun at Duo* Take THIS!

Duo: AAAGHHH!!! My HAIR!!! *falls over in a broken heap* And I... just... conditioned today...

Heero: Braided Wonder! *crawls over to Duo and tries to lift him up* No!

Duo: *coughs weakly* Need... Pantene Pro-V... Losing strength...

Heero: You hang on, too!

Dorothy: Ha ha ha! Looks like the Ambiguosly Gay Duo over there are finished, Treize.

Duo: *pauses in his dramatic scene to shoot Dorothy a Death Glare* Hey! There's nothin' "ambiguous" about us, Yuri Girl!

Treize: Nevermind. *ahem* Now, phase two of my Evil Plot! *hits another button on the wall, which starts a counter on the missile Relena is tied to. The time has started at 3 minutes and counting*

Duo: What'll THAT do?

Treize: MWA HA! This missle is aimed directly for the sun!

Relena: HEEEEEEROOOOOO!!! HURRY UP AND SAVE ME, DAMMIT!

Duo: No offense, Treize, but that'd be more like doing the world a favor...

Relena: HEY!

Treize: Ah, but the end of Relena is only the icing on my megalomaniacal cake! You see, this missile is filled to the brim with the most powerful substance known to man!

Heero: Plutonium?

Duo: ....Tequila?

Treize: No. It's filled with-- PURE SPANDEX!

*Gasps of horror all around*

Narrator: Holy smoke! Can this madman be for real?!

Heero: That's insane! You've got to have something to stabilize it, like a nice poly-cotton blend, or else it's too unpredictable! If you shoot that into the sun...

Treize: *smirk* That's right. KA-BOOOM!

Duo: We'll all be incinerated like... Er, like... Like small crispy incinerated things!

Relena: Get up, Spandexman! You have to save us!

Duo: *suddenly recalls the plight of his hair, which is now growing crunchy as the ketchup dries* You have to do it! *cough cough* Save the world... without me...

Heero: But I can't! Without my spandex...

Duo: *clutches Heero's face in his hands* Don't you SEE? The spandex is INSIDE YOU, Heero. You ARE Spandexman!

Heero: Inside... me?

Duo: Yes! Reach deep down, Heero. Let your inner spandex shine forth! You can beat these losers! *coughs violently* It's all... growing dark...

Heero: No! Hang on! I think we have some Herbal Essences in the trunk of the Spandexmobile...!

Duo: Too late... for me... *wheeze* Nice knowin' ya, Heero... *kisses Heero passionately, then slumps to the ground, eyes closed*

Heero: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Dorothy: *drily* While this has been touching, you might be interested to know that you have exactly 30 seconds left before the spandex-missile launches.

Treize: *cackling manically* I'VE WON! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!

Heero: No. I WILL stop you, Treize. *closes his eyes, as if drawing on some inner reserve of strength*

Narrator: This is it, boys and girls! Will Spandexman be able to call upon the power of the spandex within, or will we all be incinerated like, uh, small crispy incinerated things?!

Heero: I am one with the spandex... I am one with the spandex... SPANDEX POWER, GO!!! *whips his gun out of spandex-space and shoots the cord that attaches the missile timer to the missile. The countdown halts with one second to spare*

Treize: NOOOOOOOOOO!!! IMPOSSIBLE! How could you overcome the effects of my Stain Ray?!

Heero: *rises, back held stiff and proud* I remembered something a wiseman once told me, Treize.

Treize: Oh?

Heero: He said, "Spandexman, always remember to wear clean underwear when going out to battle the forces of Evil". *strips off his costume, to reveal--!*

Treize: *GASP!* SPANDEX UNDERWEAR! Damn you, Spandexman!

Relena: *stares* Wow... That really leaves NOTHING to the imagination...

Dorothy: Fuck, I left the Polaroid at home!

Treize: You may have won this time, Spandexman, but I'll be back! *disappears in another poof of pink smoke*

Relena: Oh, Spandexman, my hero! *pause* Could you untie me, now?

Heero: *ignores her and crouches to pick up Duo* It's not too late... Hang in there, Braided Wonder. If I can just get you to the salon in time...! *races over to the Spandexmobile and vaults into the passenger seat, then tears out of the parking lot with the screech of tires*

Relena: HEERO! You forgot about ME!

Dorothy: *wicked smirk* I'M still here, Miss Relena... *cracks her whip*

Relena: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

*A Few Days Later*

Duo: *sitting up in bed, looking weak but cheerful* Look, Heero! We made front page on The Daily Tribune Times Sentinel Periodical Journal! *holds up a newspaper with the headline "Spandexman and Braided Wonder Save Planet From Evil Once Again!"*

Heero: *sits down next to him on the bed* I saw. How're you feeling?

Duo: *grins* Hey, no Stain Ray can kill the Braided Wonder! But if you hadn't gotten me to that salon in time, I'd've been a goner...

Heero: That reminds me. You now owe me $45 for a professional wash, conditioning, and blow-dry, plus the cost of the Paul Mitchells I had to buy for home use.

Duo: WHAT?!

Heero: Pay up, or start using grocery-store brands.

Duo: *grumbles and reaches for his wallet on the nightstand* Hey, Heero?

Heero: Hm?

Duo: I was thinking...

Heero: Did you strain yourself?

Duo: *ignoring him* What ever happened to Relena?

Heero: *blinks* ...Oh. I forgot all about her...

*Somewhere in the world, at Yuri Girl's secret hideout...*

Dorothy: OHOHOHO! *whipcrack* KISS MY FEET, SLAVE!

Relena: HEEEEEEEEROOOOOOOOO!!! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!!!!

Narrator: And so ends another dramatic episode of--!

*Cue theme music*

Narrator: THE ADVENTURES OF SPANDEXMAN! Tune in next week for another pulse-pounding, heart-stopping, spandex-filled episode, when the world is again imperiled, this time by the wiles of-- SEXY ZECHSY!!!

Zechs: *off-screen* No WAY! I will NOT wear an electric blue thong no matter WHAT!

The End???