*Cue pretentious theme music*

Narrator: In order to bring aid to a world in need, mild-mannered terrorist Heero Yuy must become--!

*Trumpet fanfare*

Narrator: SPANDEXMAN!

*Cue shot of Heero, clad head to toe in spandex, with a ripoff of the Superman "S" on his chest. Except that it's an iron-on decal, and is starting to crack and peel at the edges from too many runs through the washer*

Narrator: Escaping the destruction of his home planet, Lycra, Spandexman now uses his incredible super powers to defend the citizens of Earth! Faster than a speeding bullet!

*Scene of Heero getting shot twice by Duo*

Narrator: Uh, okay, maybe not... *ahem!* More powerful than a locomotive!

*Scene of Heero playing with a Thomas the Tank Engine toy in the bath*

Narrator: *coughs uncomfortably* Er... Able to leap from tall buildings in a single bound!

*Scene of Heero jumping from the umpteenth floor of the Alliance Military Hospital and not opening his parachute, then hitting the ground below, doing that rough-and-tumble roll down the hill, sprawling in a painful heap at the bottom, and finally getting up, looking thoroughly bedraggled*

Narrator: Along with his faithful sidekick, the Braided Wonder--

*Duo bounces up to stand next to Heero, also clad in spandex, his braid blowing dramatically in the wind*

Narrator: --Spandexman fights for Truth, Justice, and the American Way!

Heero: But I'm Japanese...

Wufei: *off-screen* JUSTICE! IT SHOULD BE ME FIGHTING FOR JUSTICE! NOT HIM!!!

Narrator: As our tale begins, we find our heroes engaged in a life-or-death battle...

Duo: *trying to pull a package of E.L. Fudge cookies out of an old lady's grasp* MINE! I SAW 'EM FIRST!

Old Lady: I have a coupon, you little whippersnapper!

Heero: *glaring* Duo...

Duo: *pouts* But it's the last package!

Heero: Give the woman the cookies, Duo.

Duo: *pouts* Fine... *releases the cookies*

Old Lady: *cackles, flips him off, and scurries away*

Duo: *shocked* Of all the--!

*Suddenly, Heero's superhero emergency beeper goes off*

Duo: Is that--?

Heero: Yes. Quickly, to the Spandexcave!

*At the Secret Headquarters of Spandexman...*

Heero: *now in his superhero spandex (as opposed to his everyday spandex)* Oh, no!

Duo: *trying unsuccessfully to pull out the wedgie his costume is giving him* What is it, Spandexman?

Heero: *hunched over a laptop* According to this, the evil magician Treize has kidnapped Vice Foreign Minister Relena.

Duo: Oh, is that all? I say we let her rot.

Heero: We can't. Against Union rules.

Duo: Damn Union! Okay, guess we'd better go get her... *pause* Hey, Heero?

Heero: Hm?

Duo: "Evil magician Treize"? Does that mean... He's the Wizard of OZ?

*There is a long silence, and then both boys start to snicker uncontrollably*

*Meanwhile, at the Hidden Base of Treize...*

Treize: *sneezes*

Relena: *tied to a missle* Bless you.

Treize: Thanks... *blows his nose elegantly* Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. No one can rescue you here, Vice Foreign Minister, and soon my nefarious plot will be unfurled!

Relena: What are you going to do tonight?

Treize: The same thing I do every night, Relena-- try to take over the WORLD!

Relena: You're insane! You'll never get away with this! Spandexman will save me!

Treize: Ah-HA! That's where you're wrong. You see, I've developed a secret weapon to take care of that pest, Spandexman...

*Camera rotates to reveal an enormous ray gun*

Relena: What's that?

Treize: Nyah ha ha! That, my dear, is my secret weapon!

Relena: ....It looks like a really big Supersoaker.

Treize: Are you mocking me?

Relena: Are you mocking me?

Treize: I'll take that as a yes.

Relena: I'll take that as a yes.

Treize: Stop that!

Relena: Stop that!

Treize: Oh, that's it. You leave me no choice! *raises his voice* YURI GIRL!

Dorothy: *saunters in, dressed in a dominatrix outfit* You rang?

Treize: *motions at Relena* Take care of her for me, will you? I need a bubble bath...

Dorothy: *looks at Relena and smirks suggestively* Oh, of course, your Excellency. We're going to have so much fun, Miss Relena...

Relena: No! Wait! *camera pans away* WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT VIBRATOR?!?

Narrator: Oh, no! Will our dashing heroes make it in time to save Relena from the clutches of Evil???

*Shot of Heero and Duo in the Spandexmobile, driving at a leisurely pace down a tree-lined avenue*

Duo: *points* Look, Heero! K-Mart is having a Sale!

Heero: We need new bath towels. *revs the engine* Let's roll.

*Back at the Bad Guy's Lair*

Relena: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT HERSHEY'S SYRUP, DOROTHY?!

Dorothy: I told you, my supervillain name is Yuri Girl. Now be a good little virgin and let me ravish you...

*Back at, er, K-Mart...*

Duo: Heero, look!

Heero: *inspecting a set of sheets to see if they're really 200 thread count, as the package claims* Duo, we are NOT getting a Digimon sheet set, and that's final.

*Bad Guy's Lair*

Relena: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT TUNING FORK, THE WHIPPED CREAM, AND THAT ZECHS PLUSHIE?!?!

Dorothy: You have to ask?

*K-Mart*

Heero: Duo, we should be going now. Remember Relena?

Duo: *sigh* Alright, alright... Just one more turn on the horsie? Pwease?

Heero: ...Okay, but just ONE. *pops another quarter in the mechanical pony ride*

Duo: WHEEE!

*Five minutes later*

Heero: Now let's go. *they hop into the Spandexmobile, rev the engine, and race to--

--next door, which is an old abandoned warehouse with a tacked-up sign which reads "Absolutely Positively NOT Treize's Secret Hideout"*

Duo: What makes you think Treize is hiding here, Heero?

Heero: Just a hunch.

Narrator: They race inside, and--!!

Duo: *covering his face* Oh, my virgin eyes!

Heero: How did your eyes stay virgin when the rest of you--

Duo: Shhh!

Dorothy: *smirks* Welcome, gentlemen-- to your DOOM! OHOHOHOHOHOHO!!!

Relena: *rather breathlessly* Look out! It's... a trap!

Treize: *appearing from a puff of rose-colored smoke* Muahahahaha, too late! Now I'll finish you of once and for all, Spandexman! *presses a button on the wall, and the ray gun turns to aim at Heero*

Duo: What, you're gonna squirtgun him to death?

Treize: You only WISH it was that easy! HA HA HA HA HA! *suddenly green ketchup squirts out of the gun and hits Heero square-on*

Heero: AAARGH! *slumps to the floor*

Duo: Are you okay? Heero!

Heero: Do you... have ANY idea... How hard it is to get ketchup out of spandex?!

Treize: *cackles* You're finished, Spandexman! All the Tide with Bleach Alternative in the world couldn't get that stain out!

Heero: NOOOOOOOO!!!

Narrator: Is this the end of our heroes, and of the world as we know it?! Stay tuned for the next thrilling episode of The Adventures of Spandexman!!!

*Cue dramatic suspense music*

To Be Continued!!