"We're going--" Quatre began.

"On a road trip?" Wufei finished for him.

Duo smirked at the four disbelieving faces that peered at him. "You bet! I got it all planned out..." He started passing around brochures.

"'The National Pretzel Museum'?" Heero's voice was skeptical.

"'The House of Cheese'?" Quatre sounded unsure.

"'Bong Recreation Center'?" Even Trowa sounded doubtful.

Duo beamed. "We guys need some serious R&R, y'know? So I thought I'd plan out a nice, leisurely road trip for us all..."

"Um, Duo?" Quatre spoke up. "We don't have a car..."

"No problemo!" said Duo. "I rented us a car." He pointed to the window.

The other pilots rushed over to peer outside.

Wufei twiched. "A minivan?"

"What's wrong with it?" Duo sounded defensive.

"Where exactly did you "rent" it from?" Trowa asked. "Most rental cars don't come with 'Soccer Mom' and 'My Child is an Honor Student' bumper stickers..."

Duo looked embarrassed, but he recovered quickly. "Hey, it was a package deal. C'mon you guys, it'll be fun!"

Heero snorted. "This is ridiculous."

"Aw, even the Perfect Soldier needs a vacation..."

"Even if I did," Heero growled, "I certainly wouldn't go to the Pretzel Museum."

"Oh?" Duo raised an eyebrow. "Where would you go, Heero?"

"...." was the only reply.

Duo looked triumphant, as if he'd just scored in some great battle of wits. "So it's decided, then. We're going."

Wufei crossed his arms. "Well I for one am not going to--"

"Why?" Duo pounced. "You got somethin' better to do? Like, maybe, a hot date?" He grinned.

Wufei scowled.

"A vacation would be kind of nice..." Quatre mused.

Trowa said nothing, but he appeared to agree with the blond.

"Hn," went Heero, petulantly. But he seemed to have lost interest in arguing.

Everyone stared at Wufei.

"Oh, no," he said, backing away. "I am not--"

*****************

"Ah, it's so nice to feel the wind your face," Duo sighed, leaning his head out the passenger-side window like a happy dog. Trowa was driving.

"How's Wufei?" Duo called back to the others.

In response, Wufei made angry muffled noises around the wadded-up, deflated beach ball they'd stuffed into his mouth. He yanked on his hands, which had been tied behind his back with a set of jumper cables.

"Well, at least you're concious," Duo said.

"Mmf mm hmm mm MMF!" replied Wufei.

Quatre made a puzzled face. "What was that again?"

"Mmf mm hmm mm MMF!" Wufei reiterated.

"Maybe if you took the beach ball out of hs mouth...?" Trowa suggested, his eyes never leaving the road.

Quatre's face lit up, as if this were the most brilliant suggestion he'd ever heard. He yoinked the now-soggy beach ball out of the Chinese boy's mouth.

Wufei immediately pitched into a loud tirade denouncing the parentage, upbringing, and personal hygenic habits of one Duo Maxwell.

Duo winced. "Geez, man, lighten up."

Quatre patted Wufei's knee. "This is for your own good, really..."

This prompted an increase in volume, along with a wider range in vocabulary (Wufei occasionally broke off into Chinese) and a broadening of the field of insult to include the other pilots, as well.

Duo blanched. "I don't even know what half those words mean, but I can tell they're bad..."

Quatre was turning pink. "What a thing to say about Heero's grandmother! I doubt that's even physically possible at that age..."

Duo grimaced. "Could somebody please quiet him down?"

Quatre reached for the soggy beach ball once again.

Heero stopped him. "Allow me."

There was a loud thwack!, a yelp of pain, and then silence.

"Thanks," Duo said.

Heero shook out his hand. "Don't mention it."

Little chibi Shenlongs danced around Wufei's head.

**************

Duo got out of the van, stretched, and looked around.

"Where are we?" Quatre asked, eyes darting about nervously.

"It's a truckstop," Duo said. "Aren't'cha hungry, Quatre?"

Specifically, it was "Ma Jeb's Pitstop", distinguished from the road for miles around by a large billboard and a neon sign upon which the last three letters of the word "pitstop" had died, leaving the word "pits". Big rigs crowded the gravel parking lot, looking ominous in the twilight. The nearest truck had fuzzy dice hanging from the mirror, mud flaps with "EAT ME" printed on them, and a liscence plate which read "BADMOFO".

Quatre suddenly regretted not using the bathroom at home.

"You want to get something to eat here?" Heero surveyed the parking lot warily.

"Aw, c'mon, what's wrong with a little home-cooking?" Duo grinned and bounced toward the doors, his braid swinging against his back.

"I have a bad feeling about this," the now unbound and concious Wufei grumbled as he and the others followed Duo in.

A sea of large, meaty faces turned toward the door as the five boys walked in. The blare of country music and the clanking of dishes from the kitchen were the only noise.

A waitress with a bouffant hairdo who was broader than she was tall lumbered up to them, a cigarette hanging from her neon-pink-lipsticked mouth. "I help you?" she grated, voice rumbling up from deep within and causing the ground to shake.

Duo smiled at her cheerfully. "Can we get a table? And some menus?"

Quatre nudged him, looking embarrased.

"Oh, yeah. And where's your bathroom?"

They were given a small booth near the kitchen. In order to fit, Wufei nearly ended up on Duo's lap, smooshed as he was against the wall. Heero was on Duo's left, and Trowa and Quatre sat across from them. Quatre quickly excused himself to seek out the frightening unexplored territory of the bathroom. He thought himself very brave for not asking Trowa to come along.

He regretted his decision almost as soon as he stepped through the door marked "FELLAS".

***********

Wufei studied his menu critically. "'Triple Meat Surprise'?"

"Huh," said Duo, "wonder what the surprise is?"

"I'm not curious enough to order it and find out," Wufei retorted.

Trowa scanned down the list of artery-clogging concoctions and undefinable entrees. Nothing sounded particularly appetizing, or even edible...

The extremely broad waitress returned, carrying glasses of something which had probably once been water, but which had at some point in its liquid existence succumbed to the Dark Side and become something... else.

"Orders?" she growled, and the table shook. Smoke from her cigarette curled out of her nose.

Duo smiled nervously. "Ah, we're waiting for our companion."

The woman glowered from beneath the blue cement-like paste of her eyeshadow, and then turned and lumbered away.

"Where is Quatre?" Heero asked. "He's taking a long time..."

"I told him not to drink all that Mountain Dew," Duo mumbled.

"I'd better go see if he's okay." Trowa got up from his seat, ignoring the unpleasant Velcro-sound as he unpeeled his backside from the sticky vinyl, and headed off toward the bathrooms.

Wufei peered into his water glass. "I think there's a tadpole swimming in this stuff..."

**************

Trowa stepped through the door marked "FELLAS" and glanced around, cool green eyes impassive as he took stock of his surroundings.

Graffitti on the walls... "For A Good Time Call Bubba"?... No doors on the stalls... leaky faucets... Quatre huddled under the sink... Wait a minute... He paused at his last thought. "Quatre?" he called. "Why are you under the sink?"

Quatre shuddered in horror. "Spiders..." he murmured. "Biiiiiig spiders..."

***************

Duo and the others looked up as Trowa led a pale, trembling Quatre back to the table.

"Geez, what happened?" Duo asked. "You okay, Quatre?"

The blond pilot slid into the booth, eyes haunted.

"It was just a minor problem," Trowa said, seating himself next to the shaken boy.

"Uh-oh," said Duo. "Heads up, guys. Broadzilla's comin' back, and she wants our orders..."

Five pale faces hid studiously behind lamenated menus.

Thunderous footsteps rattled the silverware on the table. "Orrrrrders?" The word dragged from her throat like a Los Angeles earthquake.

Duo gulped. "Uh, I'll have the, uh..." He searched desperately for a food item. "I'll have the Special!"

The waitress glared around the table at each of the others, as if daring them to even think of ordering something else.

Four murmurs of agreement chorused.

The waitress grunted in assent, snatched the menus back, and stomped away, trailing ashes from her cigarette in her wake.

The five pilots let out sighs of relief.

Wufei got a funny look on his face. "What am I sitting in?!" He stood up to see.

"Ewwww..." the others said in unison.

**************

Twenty minutes and several layers of newspaper on the seat later, the young pilots were confronted with the horror that was the Special.

Quatre poked at it with his spork. "What is it?"

"I think I saw mine move..." said Wufei.

Trowa sporked up something that looked susiciously like a cigarette butt.

"Aw, man..." Duo looked a little green. "That's gross..."

Wufei jerked back, almost jumping to the top of the seat. "I know I saw it move this time!"

Heero glanced over, picked up his butter knife, and impaled Wufei's meal with a loud clank!

The Special thrashed for a moment, then let out a dying burble and was still.

Heero picked up his spork and started to eat, cobalt eyes blank.

Duo made a choking sound and dashed for the FELLAS room.

Quatre fainted.

***************

Duo hunched over the steering wheel of the minivan, eyes wide and foot leaden on the accelerator. Riding shotgun was Wufei, who clutched his sword tightly and from time to time glanced nervously into the rear-view mirror for signs of pursuit.

Trowa sat silently (of course), the still-unconcious Quatre lying stretched across the seat with his head on the other pilot's lap. Every now and then he would murmur something incoherent about spiders...

Heero was in the far back, staring out the window at the darkened landscape, which was rushing past with amazing speed. The telephone poles had begun to look like a picket fence.

Duo was repeating something over and over, like a mantra: "Must get to Pretzel Palace... Must get to Pretzel Palace..."

"You can slow down now," Heero said. "They're not going to be coming after us."

"Yeah?" Duo snapped, eyes almost wild. "How d'you know?"

Suddenly a massive explosion not far back the road rattled the minivan. A fireball, complete with mushroom cloud, blossomed in the rear-view mirror.

"That's how I know," Heero said, tossing the trigger device into the back of the van.

Silence reigned as the others just stared at him (except Duo, who was smart enough to keep his eyes on the road, and Quatre, who was still unconcious).

Then Trowa said, "Wouldn't it have been easier to just pay the bill?"

Quatre awoke with a start. "Don't let the spiders get me!"

"I'm never going on vacation again," Wufei grumbled.

End