The Big Rant
TITLE: The Big Rant
AUTHOR: Rich (Starbug42)
RATING: PG
WARNING: This is WAY out of character for Oz. But it's funny. At least to
me...
SUMMARY: Oz goes off on an unsuspecting crowd.
DISTRIBUTION: Ask first, shoot later.
FEEDBACK: Don't do it and die.
DISCLAIMER: Willow's still mine. Gay or not.
For Karen. Because she wrote me porn.
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"The Big Rant" 1/1
Oz took another sip of his coffee. Coffee was good. He turned around to see
the packed house at the Bronze staring back at him. Nonchalantly, he
approached the mic. "And another thing," he said from his position on stage,
"who the hell made the faucets in the bathrooms around here. It's physically
impossible to wash your hands while holding the thing when the water comes
out. I spent about three hours trying to wash my hands by giving it a good
burst and trying to get both hands under the spicket.
"And you know what I hate about buying CDs? You buy them and then you can't
even open them. It takes you about five hours just to peel all this plastic
crap off, then if by some miracle of chance you get that off, you've got this
weird piece of tape thing on the top like a label. And it's got a little
sticker on it that says 'PEEL' on it but you pull that thing and it rips in
half! You need a knife, a hacksaw and a blowtorch just to hear music that
you paid $22.95 for!"
Oz just stared at all the faces in the audience like they were all crazy for
looking at him like *he* was crazy. "And you know out of all the things I
hate about this world, you know what I hate the most?" He gave a little
pause, as if expecting an answer from the crowd. "Canada. I just don't
trust those people. They're too nice and two quiet and they live right above
us like some big, cold apartment. I honestly thing that if you live in
Boston, right on the Canadian border, you can hear them all sharpening up
their ice skates, getting ready to come down here and take all our damn
cheese!"
Devon, Mike and Todd sat in the corner of the stage with their instruments in
hand, just watching Oz like he was a lava lamp. Oz turned to Devon and gave
him a thumbs up. Devon just rolled his eyes and put his head in his hands.
*Damn,* he thought. *This is the last time I buy regular instead of de-caff.*
THE END
******************************************************************
I just thought the concept of Oz's quietness being centered on de-caff was
funny. So sue me. Go on, I dare ya...
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