This fic won a Silver Frog Award for being nominated for Best Mid-Sized Fic (2-6 parts) in 1999. It was also nominated for Best Comedy/Parody in the same year.
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TITLE: Dead Men Talking
AUTHOR: Rich
FEEDBACK: PLEASE!!!
RATING: PG
DISTRIBUTION: Ask me.
SUMMARY: All sorts of returning characters...
DISCLAIMER: Joss, blah, blah, blah.
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"Dead Men Talking"
Xander walked out of class with a frown on his face. Ever since Buffy left, there was no one to throw jellybeans at in history, which made it rather dull. He went out into the courtyard for lunch. He sat down on the bench they sat on every day. “So, Wills,” he said to her, “how was…” He frowned again as he pulled an apple from his lunch bag. “Aw, man, again?” He launched the apple in Willow’s direction, figuring she in turn would toss him the Hershey’s bar she was holding.
“Ow!” came from Willow’s direction. Xander looked and found that it wasn’t Willow at all. In fact, he had never seen this woman before in his life. He just beamed a total stranger in the head with an apple. The next thing he knew, he was laying on the ground bleeding and he didn’t know why.
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Cordilia opened the door to the library. “Don’t close the door!” Giles immediately shouted. “What’s your problem?” Cordilia asked in her usual attitude, kicking the doorstop back into place. “I’m sorry,” Giles said with a harsh tone, “but the door is broken. It locks from the outside when it closes and I don’t feel like being trapped in here for another night.”
“Sorry,” said Cordilia, plopping into a chair. “What’s got you so uptight?”
“The vampire activity has diminished since Buffy has gone, however, last night, Willow slayed three of them. She has had it rather easy since she has replaced Buffy in her absence, and, quite frankly, I’m worried about her.” Almost on que, Willow walked into the library with Oz in tow. After leaping for the door to not let it close, Giles filled her in. “Vampires usually follow orders,” Giles said. “Although they are known for striking independently, most of the time they are taking direction from someone, such as Spike or Drucilla.” Willow’s face crumpled. “So you think Spike and Dru are still around?”
“No,” Giles said bluntly. “If they were still around, we would have heard something by now.” Oz, though he usually had no idea of what was going on, was quite perceptive. “Well,” he started, “how about me and Willow go on patrol tonight and if we find any bad guys, I’ll pin ‘em down while Willow holds a stake above his heart and we grill him?” Everyone stared at Oz. Oz had a plan? A good plan? “Yes, well, ah,” Giles mumbled, “That seems, ah…yes. Do that.” Willow smiled brightly.
As Giles made Cordilia leaf through another book, Willow and Oz left the library arm in arm, smiling at each other…as they let the library door silently close…Simotaniously, Cordy and Giles leapt up. “Don’t shut the…” But, alas, the couple didn’t hear them as they were locked in each other’s gaze. Giles and Cordilia looked at each other and did the only thing they could think of. Pound on the door and scream their heads off. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
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Xander went home still holding his nose. He went into his room and shut the door for some relaxation. He’d been sound asleep through most of his classes, and that kinda tired him out. He looked at the clock on his wall. 7:15! Was it that late already? He looked at his watch. 6:23. That seemed more reasonable. He looked at the clock by his bed. 5:37. “Ah, just enough time to read a little before dinner,” he thought aloud. He sat down and picked up a copy of “The Amazing Spiderman”. His nose was hurting him really bad. “Is it broken?” asked Jesse, who was standing right behind him. “God, I hope not…BAHHH!” Xander leapt out of his chair and across the room. He looked straight into his dead friends’ eyes. “Jesse?” he asked. “No, you’re dead.”
“…Am I dead?”
“No.”
“Then why are you in my room?”
“I’m sort of haunting you.”
“Why?”
“Cause your life sucks, Xander.”
“…And you’re just showing up now?”
“Take a look around,” Jesse said with a smile. Ever since Buffy left you’ve been miserable. You’re dating Cordilia, Willow’s not around as much…your life is crud.” Xander blinked. He was rude but he was also right. “So, once again, why are you here?” Jesse sat down on the bed. “I’m here to change all that. You’ve got to get back into the slayin’ gig again.”
“Woah, woah, woah!” said Xander, “I quit patrolling and stuff for a reason, okay? And I’ll be damned if I’m…” “Willow’s in danger, Xander,” Jesse interrupted. “Something big’s going down and it’s happening tonight and if you don’t do something, Willow’s going to die!”
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Willow and Oz walked through the cemetery still lost in each other. “Nice software,” Oz quoted. “Short Circuit. Try to come up with a less obvious movie quote,” Willow suggested playfully. “You’re turn,” said Oz, avoiding the negative comment. “Okay,” started Willow, “how about…’Tell you little story ‘bout a man named Shhh!’” Oz frowned. “Austin Powers. God, I hated that movie.” Willow looked shocked. “What?!? I thought it was cool…Hated that Scott kid, though.”
“Yeah,” said Oz, “He’s almost as bad as that Kenny kid from ‘Can’t Hardly Wait’.” It had been a while since her and Xander had done this. She missed it. But it was very cool with Oz. She liked it. It passed the time. They both paused when they heard footsteps. Now she was getting the wiggns. They patrolled the school and the park and slayed two vampires but extracted no information from them. Now it looked like they were getting a third chance.
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Giles pounded on the door along with the rhythm of his heartbeat. “No one can hear you,” Cordilia said from her seat. “Even the Janitor has gone home by now.” Giles raised an eyebrow to her.
Giles looked down at the board and sighed. “No, Cordilia, that…” Giles’ eyes widened. No. It’s not possible! Checkmate? “Um…no. Ah, another illegal move, sorry,” Giles lied. Cordilia put her head down on the table. “I quit,” she whined.
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Xander threw his slaying supplies into his gym bag. Jesse stood by and grinned happily. “I’m glad you’re taking me seriously, Xander,” he said. “I thought you’d think you were going crazy…” “I am going crazy,” Xander interrupted, “and you’re not real. You’re just a figment of a warped imagination.” Jesse’s eyes widened as Xander packed crossbows, clubs, and machetes into the sack.
“What the hell do you need those for?”
“Buffy’s not around anymore,” replied Xander. “We’re going to need all the help we can get against the Master.”
“Boy,” sighed Jesse, “in my day all they gave you was holy water and a stake. You used the holy water to burn it’s face and you used the holy water to drive through it’s heart. And if you lost one of them, they’d charge you for it!”
Xander stopped packing and looked into his dead friend’s eyes. “Are you ill?” he asked. “No,” Jesse replied, “I feel fine. Why?”
“Xander!” came a voice from downstairs, “Dinner!”
Xander took one more look at Jesse, grabbed his bag and headed to the dining room. “I can’t eat right now, mom, I’m meeting Willow at the Bronze,” he lied. “Oh, no you’re not!” replies Mrs. Harris. “You’re eating dinner and then you’re cleaning your room which I told you to do this morning.” Xander was torn. He had to help Willow, but how would he get past his mom? “Uh…mom?”
“No excuses!” his mom interrupted. “Now go in the kitchen and bring out plates.”
Xander obeyed and went into the kitchen. “I think I can take her,” said Jesse, once again appearing out of nowhere. “BAHH! Will you stop doing that to me!” screamed Xander. Xander’s mom called from the dining room. “Are you okay, hun?” “I’m fine, mom,” he replied. “What do you mean ‘take her’?” he said to Jesse.
“Take her. You know, rub her out, put the smack down.”
“No you won’t!” Xander again screamed. “You’re not real! You can’t touch anything! No one can see or hear you!”
“Exactly,” beamed Jesse, “which gives me an advantage.”
“Xander?” called his mom from behind. Apparently, she had been there the whole time. “Honey, you spend too much time in the house. Why don’t you go out tonight?”
“But, mom, what about my room?”
“I’ll do it.”
“But what about din…”
“I’ll feed it to the dog! Just get out!”
Xander found this odd, since they didn’t have a dog, but he decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. He grabbed his bag of slayer goodies and, with Jesse close behind, rushed out the door. Neither of them knew where Willow was, but they were going to finder her or die trying. Well, Xander would, anyway.
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Willow ran. As fast as she could. She had no clue where she was going. Home, maybe? No. She couldn't go home now. She needed a plan. Xander's? The library? Wherever she went, she had to get help. She wasn't sure if the vamps were still following her, but she didn't care and there was no way she was looking back. A tear rolled down her cheek as her heart felt as if it was about to burst through her chest. She couldn't think clearly. All she could do was play the last five minutes or so over and over again in her head:
"I thought you said The Master was dead," Oz had said. "He was dead," Willow replied. "Buffy ground his bones into dust with a sledge hammer!" The Master grinned cold-heartedly. "A little scotch tape and a lot of patience makes all the difference," said The Master with a snicker. The Master clapped his hands and vampires came from behind trees and tombstones as if they were waiting for them the whole time. Some were laughing, some were holding weapons like tree limbs, rocks and various items they must have found lying around. This was no mere coincidence. They had been waiting. They ambushed them! The next few minutes happened very quickly to Willow. As the vamps attacked willow staked as many as five or ten a piece. Willow was getting proud of herself. Given that she wasn't the slayer, her and Oz were fending very well. But, as they staked one vampire, another would show up.
There were too many of them. Willow glanced at Oz and noticed he was bleeding from the nose and forehead. She also noticed that The Master was leaning against a tree enjoying the show. The vampires started to close in. One of the vamps broke an empty beer bottle over Oz's head and started to drag his unconscious body away. Willow staked several of them trying to get to Oz. "End it!" screamed The Master as more gathered around her. Way too many. Not of the good. The other vampire followed The Master into the woods with Oz over his shoulder. The other vamps scratched at Willow's face and tore her clothes. Blood poured from her temple and into her eyes, impairing her vision. And so…
Willow ran. As fast as she could.
*I can't believe I left Oz,* she thought, feeling guilty. More tears fell. *I couldn't get to him so I ran. What is wrong with me?* Willow's legs were about to give out. She couldn't run for much longer. Then she saw Xander walking in her direction. But he was waving his arms in the air and screaming at…someone? Willow couldn't tell, but he looked like he was alone.
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"Giles?" Cordilia had been getting on Giles' last nerve for the better part of five hours now. Just five more hours before school starts. Then he could get out and fight off the splitting headache he had with a sweet cup of tea. "Go to sleep, Ms. Chase," Giles mumbled from the part of the floor he was sleeping on. "I can't. I have to go to the bathroom."
"We don't have a ladies room in the library, Cordilia."
"But I really have to go! What am I supposed to do?"
Giles nodded towards the "Super Big Gulp" she held in her hand. "I told you not to drink anything." Cordilia frowned at that comment. "I wasn't going to throw it away! I paid $2.99 for this!"
Giles smirked. "Well, finish it up, then."
"Why?"
"Once you've emptied the cup, you've got an instant 'Johnny-on-the-Spot'."
"Eww!" screamed Cordilia. "You can not be serious!"
"Either that or hold it for five hours…" Giles smirked again at the long pause. "Go ahead. You can use my off…you can go behind the stacks."
Cordilia went off complaining. "I'm going to kill Xander. All I asked for was dinner and a movie. Noooo, he want's to stay home for the night. And I'm stuck here with a Britt going through tea withdraw…"
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Xander was about half a block from the cemetery. Willow had to be there! He already checked the Bronze, the park, the playground and the football field. This was the last place on her patrol route. "It's true," Jesse said coyly. "No it's not!" Xander screamed. 'I'm telling you, Larry's got a thing for you," replied Jesse with a smile. "Trust me. I've been all over the school. He's got pictures of you on his locker door!"
"Jesse, man," Xander sad through clenched teeth, "You better…" Xander was interrupted by Willow crashing into him. Xander, surprised to see his best friend, sprung to his feet and helped the bleeding girl up. Willow explained what happened as quickly as possible, even though she was gasping for breath. "We've…got to…get to…the library…" Willow barely spat out. "No time," Xander said. "If Oz is still alive, he won't be for long. We've got to move."
Willow prepared herself for another run, even though she felt as though she was about to pass out. She had to do it for Oz. And, if she knew The Master, which she did, she knew exactly where he was…
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Oz woke up with a major headache. He tried to rub his head, but his arms couldn't move. He couldn't move his legs either. The word "paralyzed" crossed his mind before he realized he was bound to a table. He had no clue where he was, but wherever he was, it was dark. Really dark. He tried to raise his hand to see if he could see it in front of his face.
It kind of looked like he was in a sewer. The smell confirmed it.
"Unbelievable how stupid human beings are," said The Master. "How much do you want to bet that your friends are going to come straight here looking for you?"
"They'll have backup," Oz shot back. "Your bones will be gritting the path this winter."
"Oh! A feisty one!" said The Master with a smile. "Well, then…We'll just have to leave them a present…"
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Xander, Willow and Jesse walked into the entrance of the sewer. As soon as they entered, they heard pounding of metal and shouting. "Oz!" gasped Willow. They followed the noise through the maze that was the sewer. Around corners, though sewage and down staircases, they followed Oz's voice until they came to a steel door. "He must be on the other side," Xander guessed. "Xander?" came a voice from behind the door. "Oz?" Willow asked. "Is that you?"
"Yeah! Hurry up! There's a vampire over here!"
Willow and Xander tugged on the metal door, barely moving it. Jesse stood and watched. "I'd help," said Jesse, "It's just that…well, you know how it is." Finally, the door gave in and opened. A very panicky looking Oz ran through. Quickly, Oz, Xander and Willow slammed the door shut. "What are we going to do?" asked a worried Xander.
"No…" came an evil voice from Oz's mouth. "What are YOU going to do?" Oz's face changed. His teeth became fangs, his brow wrinkled, and his eyes glowed yellow. Oz was a vampire. "I always wanted to use that line!" Willow screamed when she saw the newly vamped out Oz. Oz lunged at Willow, but she shoved him away, with very little effort. Xander took this opportunity to clock Oz upside the head. Oz barely felt the blow, but staggered back in shock. Willow, on reflex, turned and punched Xander in the nose. Xander collapsed beside Jesse, unconscious. Oz smiled at Willow who had a guilty look on her face. Obviously, she hadn't meant to do that. Oz moved in on Willow, who was frozen in guilt, love and fear. Before he even got to her he felt a sharp pain in side. It was an arrow. An arrow Xander shot from a crossbow. "Okay…Ow," exclaimed Oz before tripping over Xander's legs. Willow helped Xander to his feet and they ran out of the sewer into the night.
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Cordilia's eyes fluttered. While she dreamt happily, she also snored loudly. Giles grew impatient as he stood next to her sleeping form on the floor.
"Giles!" shouted Xander.
"I wasn't doing anything," said Giles, quickly discarding the stake. "We've got a problem," Xander exclaimed, followed by a crying Willow and Jesse, who of course Giles couldn't see.
"Willow, what's wrong?"
"…Oz…is a vampire."
"…Good Lord."
"And The Master's back," said Jesse. "Oh, he can't hear me. Man, this is turning into a big fat pile of annoying."
"And The Master's back," said Xander with a wink at Jesse. Giles sat in a chair shocked. For a moment, the library was silent until Cordilia sat up sleepy-eyed. "Will you people keep it down? Some people are trying to sleep…"
Giles was about to protest when the sound of glass breaking halted him. Vampires came in through every window. Xander helped Cordilia to her feet as Giles and Willow ran to the book/weapon's cage. A vampire turned to dust thanks to a stake from Xander. Another grabbed him from behind and threw him over the checkout desk. Giles dusted a few vamps with a crossbow, but was soon outnumbered even with the help of Willow. A pair of hands clapped twice and the fighting ceased. All heads turned to meet the black eyes of The Master with Oz at his side. "Boys, boys, boys," said The Master with a snicker. "Senseless violence will get us nowhere." The Master looked over the room. "You. The Hacker. Come here."
Willow didn't budge.
"Now!" he shouted.
Willow reluctantly walked over to the vampire. He looked into her hate filled eyes and smiled.
"Hate runs through you. Good for you!" He touched her hair and she flinched.
"Fear runs through you, too…Good for me…"
"My boyfriend's dead because of you."
"Well, deadish, but that's not the point. I wish to know the whereabouts of your Slayer."
"We don't know…" Jesse started. "Damnit!"
"No one knows where Buffy is," Willow replied shakily.
The Master grinned. He was hoping that she would say that. "Not good enough," he said. With that, he hit Willow with a backhand to the face, knocking her to the ground. "Hey!" shouted Xander, rushing for The Master. "Hold them back!" The Master said to the surrounding vampires. The vamps grabbed Giles, Cordilia and Xander and held them in their respective places.
"I thought you were going to leave her for me!" shouted Oz.
"Oh, what's the fun of being a vampire if you can't kill your friends and family!" replied The Master.
He ripped the crossbow from Giles' hands and hoisted the red head to her feet, pinning her arms behind her back. He handed the crossbow to Oz. As she looked into the yellow eyes of Oz, Willow started to cry. Oz aimed the crossbow at Willow's heart. "Do it, boy," said The Master. "Do it! Now!" Oz smiled wickedly. "Sorry, baby," he said to Willow, "looks like we're breaking up." Willow closed her eyes as another tear fell. "I love you," she whispered.
Oz hesitated only for a moment as the smile disappeared from his face. He pulled the trigger and the wooden bolt fired from the crossbow. As the bolt pierced flesh, Willow could only gasp and open her eyes wide. She fell to the ground, The Master relinquishing his grip on her. "Well," said The Master, the wooden bolt embedded in his head, "this is an unpleasant turn of events." Oz fired another bolt, this one ripped through the vampire's heart, turning him to ashes, bones and all.
Willow rose to her feet and went to embrace Oz. With a growl he pushed her to the ground and fled the room with the other vampires not far behind. Willow sat on the ground, not really knowing what just happened. She didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So she just sat there, with the others around her waiting for a moment that never came.
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Cordila lay on her bed, as always, talking on the phone. "Yeah, so I'm stuck in the library for the whole night with that creepy librarian guy. I know. Me too! Oh my God! Did he?" Cordilia's ramblings were interrupted by a knock on the front door. "Oh, hold on, Aphrodisia, someone's at the door." She ran down the stairs carrying her cordless phone with her. When she opened the door, no one was there. She stepped outside to look and almost tripped over a bouquet of flowers. "Someone sent me flowers," she said to the girl on the phone. She turned around to walk back in the house and check the card, when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned and felt someone's lips on hers.
Her eyes opened wide and she saw Xander. Her muscles began to relax and she started to get into the kiss. After a few moments, Xander broke it off. "I'm going to have to call you back," she said and hung up the phone. "I'm sorry," was all he said. Cordilia was still taken aback by the kiss. "About what?" she said finally. "Everything," replied Xander. "Leaving you alone last night, not paying attention to you, I mean…I…" his voice trailed off. "I know," said Cordilia. Xander just smiled and hugged her softly.
During the embrace, Xander's eyes opened as a bright light hit him. Jesse stood in front of him with a black cape covering his shoulders. "My work here," he started, throwing the cape over one shoulder, "is done." With that, Jesse faded out. However, a moment later he faded back in again. "Do you know that they got all pissed at me because I stole this cape from Bella Lagosi for that one joke!"
Xander muffled a small laugh into Cordilia's shoulder as he watched Jesse fade out for the final time.
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Two days had past since Oz left Willow alone in the library. Since then, Giles and Willow had been researching werewolves on a hunch. Willow wasn't exactly sure what she was looking for but she wanted to try anyway.
"I've found it!" exclaimed Giles, leaping out of his seat.
Willow ran over to Giles and grabbed the book from his hands. She took a look at the passage Giles was pointing to and began to cry happily. The passage read: "Vampires and Werewolves can not co-exist. If one were to bite the other, the inner demon of the one who has been bitten will be no more. He or she would return to his or her normal human state after a short time period." Willow began to jump up and down as Giles sat back in his chair and smiled. "Oh, we've got to find Oz," said Willow when she was finished her snoopy dance.
"Present."
Willow's mouth dropped and Giles stood up from his seat. "Woah," said Oz, backing away, "You don't need to stake me or anything. I think I'm cured." Oz held a cross in one hand and a bulb of garlic in the other, plus it was the middle of the day, the sun shinning brightly. He really wanted them to believe him. Willow was about to explain what they found, when she noticed the bandage on his arm.
"Where did you get that?" she asked.
"Oh, my cousin was over again yesterday. Still does not like to be tickled."
Willow raised an eyebrow to Giles. The librarian leaned down and whispered into her ear,
"Why should we tell him?"
The End
Willow Fic
Buffy/Willow Fic
Xander Fic
Faith Fic
Spike Fic
Oz/Willow Fic
Drusilla Fic
Oz Fic
Misc. Fic
