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{My Life Before And After}

I was always a outgoing person.I had alot of friends,laughed,kinda like the life of the party type .I always had an answer for everything anything that was thur my way I'd have an answer for it.I loved hoildays Christmas shopping,coloring eggs and hiding them,cooking big meals for all of us.I would talk on the phone for ever I would always help anyone who needed it.There were times I'd go to work at 6:00 am and not get off untill 10:00 or 11:00 pm 7 days a week,and I enjoyed it. I loved life and I loved love. My family has always been the most important thing to me even tho I'm sure there were times they didn't think so.My mom was my best friend I would tell her just about anything and what I didn't she already knew anyway.I could sleep like a baby and loved to sleep. There weren't any nightmares or waking up in the middle of the night for no reason.I didn't wake up crying and go to bed crying. Hot heads or red necks or someone with a bad temper or what ever you call it runs in our family.Guess I was probally at the top of that list but I would get over it just as fast as I would get it. Everyone used to say Connie they can see you comming a mile away because you carry your heart on your shoulder.My feelings were always hurt real easy.I would cover it up tho. I had to be tuff because everyone always thought I was I could eat and sleep like everyone else,play games with everyone else,dance,sing and have fun.I was a whole person just like you . Now I don't know what I am.I can't sleep or eat or laugh like I used to. My life has changed and it keeps changing everyday.When you bury one of your children,when someone murders one of your children you are never the same person you were before. I never get no more than 4 or 5 hours sleep at the most.Some mornings I wake up crying and cry for days. I have to go in the bathroom or act like I need something from the store so I can cry alone.Noone understands and they don't really know what to say or they have tried to help and just don't understand that they can't help. I don't want to hurt anyones feelings you can't tell them you aren't helping me leave me alone for now because sometimes you need them to be there. You don't want your children to see you cry they have been thur enough they have hurt enough.So sometimes you just have to cry on the inside and pretend it's ok. I can have a million friends and all my family and yet there are times I'm probally the loneiest person you would ever meet.I have learned how to put on a smile and noone knows any differant it comes with burying your child. You learn how to pretend about alot of things. You still go Christmas shopping,color eggs and hide them play games and yes you pretend to have fun. A part of you is but there is a part of you NOTHING can fill.Nothing can make you a whole person agian.A part of you is gone forever and you can't get it back. After a while all your old friends quit comming around you make new ones then they quit comming around to.You date some but that don't work either as soon as they figure out they can't either make your hurt go away or they can't understand it they can't get to your hidden spot where you go and hide where you get lost inside your self they leave.They can't get that wall down that was never there before.The wall the person that murdered your child made you put there. You don't know when or how it got there it's just there. Foods that you used to love has no taste now or you find your self wandering off to another time and place when you and your child enjoyed that food or smell. I try so hard sometimes to forget sometimes I think when God takes you home he should take the memories with you.Then we wouldn't hurt anymore. Then I try to think what it would be like without those memories,I can't imange not knowing Bunnys love,and yet it hurts so much now that shes gone. There are days I just know I'm going crazy,that I have lost my mind for sure.I just wait to wake up but relize I am awake.When Bunnys little girls say I want my mommy I tell them so do I but God isn't ready for that yet.We have to wait on the Lord to decide when we go to heaven.He has a plan and none of us know what it is and when he's ready, he will let us know what it is.In the mean time we have to do what the Bible says so we can go to heaven when it's our time. Now when people say or do things to me it hurts me but yet I have no answers for there remarks.You know all brothers and sisters fight but I just don't have any thing to say when we fight now.I never used to let anyone run over me or my family or anyone that I loved or cared about.Now they have to really really get me angry before I will defend myself. Time means nothing to me anymore one day is just like all the rest.I can't remember past dates like I used to.I do well to remember Fridays thats the day I go see my therpist. I go every Friday same day same time so I can remember.I have been seeing him for 2 yrs and 7 mo. I started seeing him in September 1998. One month after my mom died I looked it up so I would be sure to get this right.Every year I put a little saying in the paper for Bunny on the day she died one time I had her birthday wrong.I was so upset I cried nad cried,and sometimes I still cry about it.I just can't help it I have such a hard time remembering things now.I like my therpist I call him Dr. Frank,He told me I have ADHD,Post tramatic stress disorder,and major manic deprssion disorder.Then a few months after that I found out I have anxiety and panic attacks.I also have muscel spasims in my neck and it causes my head and neck to hurt somrtimes they go down into my back and arms.I live on a fixed income and SSI will only pay for so many vist to physcial therpy and thats it. Physcial therpy tried to get them to pay for me to go longer but they wouldn't.I use my heating pad alot tho.and pray alot. I have no life now except for my kids ,my family,the few friends that stayed around,and of course my 2 dogs and my cat.It could be worse I could have noone there are alot of people that don't have anyone. I would like to have my life back,my daughter,my mom and dad,I would like to be able to just hold them one more time.I wish I could tell Bunny mommy loves you and I'm sorry I wasn't there,sorry that I couldn't take that bullet for you so you could watch your babies grow up.I want to hold her so tight that she tells me one more time mommy not so hard.I want to tell her I love her.I should be able to do this but I can't David Whittington made sure of that. What happens now I have no clue.There are no more trials,or hearings,no more lawyers,or judges no more battles for me to fight for Bunny.You would think that would give me some peace but it doesn't.There is no peace,no comfort,no end to my nightmare.All thats left is time for me to try to heal, try to get thur the day, and to try my very best to raise my granddaughters. I wish I could take all the Parents Of Murdered Children and just give them 5 more minutes with there children,then I would like to hug them all and tell them I know how you feel, I understand,and most of all I love you.

Written By Bunnys Mommy Connie

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