Title: Not Anymore
 

Author: Jill
 

Disclaimer: Hysterical laughter - who wants them anyway these days? I'm not
making any money off this.

Rating: PG-13
 

Pairing: B/A, and the other canon pairings at that time
 

Distribution: my site (http://www.never-ending-love.de),Land of Denial, if you
have any of my stories, take it; anybody else tell me where it goes
 

Spoilers: Everything up to "Amends" is fair game.
 

Timeline:  set right after the end of "Amends"
 

Summary: Buffy had come to a decision. Giles is to find out.
 

Feedback: oh yes, please - this goes without saying - pretty please?
 

Dedication: For Mariah - hope the army will treat you well.

Note: Can you guess I'm currently re-watching episodes? So I got to Amends, an
episode I truly love for the wonderful B/A-moments, and even though I loved the
ending, there was something missing. I mean between the "apartment-scene" in
"Amends" and the "Armageddon-scenario" in "The Zeppo" Giles' attitude towards
Angel changed remarkably. And I was always wondering why. So here I'm offering an
explanation. Something I wish it could have happened. And maybe - it really could
have.  Here it is.

Note 2: Again this is not beta-read, so all mistakes are mine. Another "out of
the mood of the moment"- fic. Hope you'll enjoy.

For a moment I consider reaching for the crossbow again, before opening the door,
then, thoroughly disgusted with myself, I shake my head, cross the room and in
opening the door I come face to face with the last person I would've expected
tonight.

"Buffy?"

After what she told me last night, I expected her to be with Angel. He can't be
in best shape after being haunted by the First Evil. And then suddenly a thought
strikes me. "Angel is alright, isn't he?"

One of her brows rises, and she gives me one of those looks, I've come to know so
well. The one that is saying, 'you've got to be kidding me.' Then she sighs and
enters my apartment without waiting for an invitation. "Hello, Giles," she says,
her voice sarcastic, "And yeah, Angel is … okay, I guess. But you're not really
interested, are you?"

I'm a little taken aback by the tone of her voice, by her whole attitude. I'm
even more surprised to see her at all. "I thought you'd … stay with Angel. I - I
… can only guess the ordeal he went through."

"And again with the not-believing," she replies almost casually, letting her eyes
sweep over my room, as if she's never been here before, then trails her fingers
over some files I've taken with me, picking one up, flipping through it, before
putting it down again, and then - without warning - she says, "Angel tried to
kill himself this morning."

The words hit me like a sledge-hammer. I know they should not, in a way they
should make me happy. I don't know how often I tried to picture him breaking down
with grief, sobbing on his knees, praying for forgiveness, or just dissolving to
ashes, but now, with Buffy in my room, telling me what I thought was my heart's
wish, I suddenly feel low and small, like the most selfish person on this earth.
Still, I want to know what happened. It has to be the watcher in me, and before I
can stop it, the question is already out of my mouth, "Why?" I see her stiffen,
and add quickly, "You already said he was alright."

"The word I used was okay, and I was guessing," she corrects me, sounding cool
and a little accusing at the same time, as she turns and gazes at me. "But you're
right. When I left him he was … not fine, but dealing. And that's not why I'm
here."

"I-it's not?" I've never heard her talking like this before, so determined, have
never seen her looking at me the way she is now. There is something in her eyes,
a silent warning, that's completely new to me. And I instantly understand it's
because of Angel. For a moment I feel anger at the idea of Buffy defending her
demon lover, but I have a feeling she wouldn't take an angry outburst very well
right now, not in the mood she is in, so I push it down, not wanting to
antagonize her.

"No," she picks up a book, reads the title, frowns. If she's trying to make an
impression, she's already managed that. Tonight I suddenly see she isn't a child
anymore. Even though she isn't even eighteen, her experiences have formed her,
let her grow up far beyond her real age. At least where Angel is concerned, and
I'm more and more convinced, Angel *is* still the reason she came. I'm just not
quite sure what this is all about.

Slowly she sets the book down on the table, before looking at me again, "The
First," she says then, "wanted him dead. But at first they wanted him to give in
and kill me, to let go of the pain. It told him to kill me was the only reason he
was brought back."

The first thing that comes into my mind is, "Are you-"

But before I can even finish the question, she holds up a hand, "I'm fine. That's
the reason Angel tried to kill himself. He refused to kill me, he rather wanted
to end his life. For me." She pauses, then adds. "Among other things. I couldn't
convince him … and then … it started to snow." She suddenly smiles, "I don't know
what happened, Giles, but I know that the snow saved his life."

Awed beyond comprehension by her words, I can only utter, "Y-you want to tell me
that the snow was b-because of-"

"Angel, yeah," she confirms. "Of course, I don't have proof, but there is no
other rational explanation." She grimaces slightly, "Not that this explanation is
rational, but it's the only one I've got. And so instead of killing himself,
Angel and I were walking through the snow, talking , holding hands. And you know
what … I suddenly understand several things. One of them being that … someone's
obviously protecting Angel. I just hope Angel is going to understand that, too.
Understand that he's still worthy to be on this earth, that he's more than just
the evil deeds of his demon. It'll help him."

"Yes, I suppose it will," I agree, still not sure where she's going with this,
but not able to hide my admiration for her. She's managed to understand where I
have failed, and I wonder if that shows what  a good teacher I was, or just how
stupid I have been.

"I know," she goes on, "I promised you not to see Angel again. I know you're all
concerned of us being together, losing control, but you know what. I don't care,
because I've learned another thing this morning. Angel and I, we belong together.
Because apart we're both miserable. And I don't want to be miserable. Not
anymore. Not just so you all can feel safe. I understand why you are concerned,
Giles, believe me, I know. But Angel and I … we need each other. Last night and
this morning have told me that." She runs her hand through her hair, taking a
deep breath, "And I'm not talking about sex here. You might not believe it, but
we can control ourselves."

"Buffy-"

"No, please," she says, "Let me finish." When she sees me nod, she smiles
slightly, "So the cliff-notes version? I'm going to see Angel again. I'm not
going to hide it, and I'm expecting you to accept him, to accept us. You're my
friends, and that's the reason I'm expecting you to understand that I need him.
And he needs me. And," now she looks directly into my eyes, "this is not open for
discussion."

"You ready?" I ask, and I can see her resolve faltering a little, but instantly
she pulls herself together, rises her chin. I'm still not sure how to feel about
her seeing Angel again on a regular basis. But I know for sure that I've rarely
been so proud of her before. This once flippant teenage girl is already grown
into a remarkable person.

"Almost," she replies, surprising me again. "One thing. Giles, you've been like a
father to me these past years. And I understand that you're not fond of Angel
right now. I don't expect you to open your arms and hug him. But you have to
accept that he's not the person who killed Jenny. He is not his demon. This is
Angel, who paid dearly for what he did. He went to Hell and suffered in a way
none of us can even begin to imagine. He paid for things he didn't do in the
first place. You once told me that when the demon is in control, the person is
gone. And I want you to remember it."

I simply look at her for a long moment, this young woman, her blond hair pulled
up in a messy ponytail, her clothes dirty and wrinkled, her shoes still wet from
the snow, and I know without a doubt that if I ever had a daughter I wanted her
to be exactly like Buffy.  And I think of Angel, his face averted, his eyes
avoiding to look at me, standing in front of my door, a picture of shame and
misery, and I can only guess the battle he fought before he came to ask for my
help. And I feel suddenly not so proud anymore at my own behaviour. He came
because he was afraid he was nothing but an instrument to kill Buffy, he was
seeking my help, and I held a crossbow in his face.

It will be a long time until I'll be able to look at him and not see the demon
who killed the woman I loved, but I also know that Buffy is right. Angel is not
the person who killed Jenny, he is innocent, has been violated by the demon -
maybe worse than us. And I'm ashamed that a not even eighteen year old girl had
to remind me of it.

"You are right, Buffy," I say finally, and see the surprise in her eyes at my
words.

"Did you just say I'm right?" she wants to know.

"Yes, I did. I - I'm not very proud of myself right now," I admit. "I let myself
rule by self-righteous pain, instead of opening my eyes and realising what we
were doing to you."

"Giles, I never wanted-" she starts, but I shake my head and she stops.

"I know," I tell her gently, and smile, "I loved Jenny. And it still hurts. But
mourning her doesn't give me the right to treat you the way I did. Or Angel for
that matter. I suppose he's already feeling bad enough as it is."

"Yeah," she whispers. "He is."

"Are you going to talk to the others?" I want to know.

"Yes, I will," she nods, smiling at me in a way she hasn't since she came back
from L.A. It's a smile of trust and understanding, I've really missed, and I
realise in refusing Angel, I've also refused a part of her.

"Okay then," she nods again, and takes a deep breath, "I'm going now. Check on
Angel, see how he's holding up."

"Yes, I think that would be … a good idea." As her smile widens at that, I feel
suddenly a lot better.

"So," she opens the door, looks at me, "see you … after the holidays?"

"Yes," I give her another smile, glad she came. Maybe now we can both truly move
on. "Oh, and Buffy," I call her before she slips out. "We need to do some
research … find out more about the First Evil. Maybe … maybe you could … bring
Angel?"

I see her eyes water, but she gives me a brilliant smile, and I know the tears
she will shed as soon as she is out will not be tears of sadness. "I love you,
Giles," she whispers before she closes the door and I'm alone again. Only when I
feel salt on my lips, I know I'm crying too.

END