Girls

by Rachel Levine

You’d have thought St. Theresa herself had been beaten from the way the school climate changed after Allison Panofsky ended up in the hospital. Girls who couldn’t pick her out in a police line up were crying as they walked through the halls and there were all kinds of rumors that spread through class about how she was found and who did it. Things one would expect, obviously. Everything after school was halted at exactly 4:00, so we could all get home in broad daylight. Police stood at every entrance, two at the gym entrance, complete with guns and hats and styrofoam cups of coffee. Local therapists descended on us like a flock of angels ready and willing to administer soothing words and a free pass out of class. We had three auditorium meetings to discuss topics like acceptance and bullying. Even the teachers spoke more softly, more kindly.

The reporters from TV stations and newspapers stood outside the school fence, ready to pounce on the first few girls as they left for the day, looking for a few words about Allison. Janine Deere, who wanted to be an actress and had appeared in a commercial for Noxema or something, came up with some crazy story about walking by the creek with her when they were both in second grade, just so she could get on TV. My father shook his head at the newscast of Janine and her crocodile tears, bawling, “We were so much the same then. It could have happened to me just as easily.” My brother mumbled, “Bullshit,” under his breath, and my mother smacked him with a tea towel on the back of his head. I kept my mouth shut. Janine used to put bugs in Allison’s desk after lunch in second grade.

Allison was all over the paper and TV too. She didn’t look so mean with her swollen face, purple across her broken jaw, nose bandaged over, stitches holding together the slashed skin across her eye. Like Frankenstein. Minors generally didn’t appear in the paper because the law said so, but the Panofsky family wasn’t exactly the kind of people who gave a damn about that. They probably just wanted everyone to feel sorry for them and send money because they are like that. But it wasn’t her face that mattered – they say or rather the papers and TV reportings didn’t say – that she was lucky that the knife in her skull hadn’t gone any deeper or she wouldn’t be alive.

Danielle got the worst of it, but I think in a way, just getting rid of Allison meant her life would be better no matter what, jail or no jail. I think she ultimately was going to end up at the place for the crazies, because that’s what happens when Allison is after you.

I was lucky, right. Allison called me, “Books,” because I was studious, a nerd really. And it wasn’t unusual for me to carry five or six books out of the library on top of a text book. One time she saw me walking home with my arms loaded with a stack and I heard her calling to me, “Hey, Books.” I was scared, obviously, because it was Allison and because she was talking to me and also because she never did anything without her two hideously no better than her henchwomen.

“Hey, Books, I’m talking to you,” she said again.

I didn’t turn around but kept walking because I knew the more I gave her, the more she would give back.

“You listen to me, Books,” she said, coming up behind me and breathing on my neck. “Literacy is for life,” she said, quoting a popular phrase on a library poster and swatting the pile out of my hands.

Her henchwomen laughed. Mona Potts and Wanda McClintock. Ugly, hulking girls. I stood there, a bit uncertain what to do. My immediate thought was to pick up the books and my alternative thought was to run. But I stood there and played out my moment of Russian Roulette to the end.

“This fucking sucks,” Allison said. “Fucking lame-ass literacy is for life, Books,” she sneered at me, and walked away. Wanda gave me the finger and Mona kicked one of the books (the Colony of Unrequited Dreams, though I never read it) and they tailed off after their leader.

I thought myself lucky. I picked up the books and walked home. I looked behind me twice on the way and no one followed me. I thought myself very lucky. I called Reuben Smith on the phone and we decided to meet at the 7-11 to play some video games.

Danielle was not so lucky as I was. There were others too at various points – Slugs McEaton who she made eat a slug, Susan Applegate who she pulled the skirt off of, and Fat Ass Fanny who she kicked a few times. But Danielle, well, Allison called her “Lesbo,” mainly. But I also recall other phrases like “Lesbian bitch,” “Muff licker,” and “Carpet cruncher.” I almost think it started in gym too. Allison and Danielle had lockers in the same row and we had to change for gym into a pair of shorts and a T-shirt, even though a lot of the girls wore heels or pumps or dance slippers to school. But anyway, Danielle was kind of out of it anyway and she just sort of stood there with this lost, dopey expression on her face. Any second, I kind of expected drool to run down her chin and her to utter one long “Duh,” not that she ever did. But she looked like that, like she was kind of stupid. And she stared a lot. My mother would grab my pony tail when she caught me staring at a hooker or a bum on the street and say, “Don’t snare.” I guess Danielle’s mother never did that. So I assume Allison must have been changing into something an Danielle doing that stare of hers and Allison decided she was checking her out or something like that.

“Don’t look at me you lesbian cunt,” Allison said to her, “I wouldn’t fuck an ugly carpet muncher like you.”

And Mona and Wanda laughing, you know.

“I wasn’t looking at you,” Danielle would answer.

“I saw you looking you fucking lesbo and if I see you looking at me again, I’m going to pour crazy glue in your cunt so it won’t open every again.”

And I thought myself lucky because I was in a different row. I shared with drama queen Janine and Susan Applegate and her best friend Janet.

Sometimes we heard Danielle being pushed into the lockers by Allison. Or pushed over the bench. And she’d cry and cry and cry and then they’d send her to the nurse. Danielle would come back for math, though. She was never hurt that bad.

Susan Applegate passes me a note in English class. It’s from Janet. It’s the first note I’ve gotten in class in days. Everyone is so busy paying attention or crying.

I open the note. Macbeth is so boring anyway. It’s a picture of a girl with a gigantic head. There’s a bubble coming out of her mouth saying “Creek. Lies. Boo hoo.” At the bottom is inscribed, “You too can find your way to televised fame.” Janet nods at me. She is proud of her incredible wit and drawing skill. I write back, “She probably wishes she did the beating herself.” Susan deftly sends my note back to Janet. Life seems a little more normal from that one note.

But Ruben knows what’s really on my mind. He was there when it happened and he heard it all too. Reuben goes to the boy’s school across the road. We’ve known each other only this last year because he moved here from Germany. He even speaks German which is really sexy. If I knew what he was saying. He taught me a few phrases like, “Ick leeb dick,” which means “I love you,” only I really can’t believe that “dick” means “you” in German. He also taught me, “Ick vull mit dick schlafen” which means I want to sleep with you. And “Do hast ein schnozzer” for you’ve got a big nose. There are some funny curses too, but they sound like English anyway. “Shlang.”

Reuben and I are kind of going out but kind of not. Well, we play video games at the 7-11 and sometimes we do homework together. We also bike a lot of places too. Okay, what it really is is that I have a crush on him but I don’t want to let him know how much I like him. But he has a crush on me and we made out that one time.

And that’s when we saw something happen with Allison and Danielle.

It was inside the school, after school, because back then you could be in the building pretty late because there was sports and drama club and all kinds of crud. I wanted to take Reuben on a tour of Brigit Stratchen South, so I snuck him in through the caffeteria entrance, which had no guard and opened right onto the playing fields. I showed him my locker and the library ( Reuben likes to read too) and the backstage of the auditorium. And that was where he leaned into me as I was talking about one of Janine’s dumb plays and he just kissed me. And I kept on talking, right, because I didn’t know he was going to do that. So then I continued my tour and I was about to show him the bathroom when I decided to kiss him. So while he was just standing there, I pushed him into a stall and said, “Close your eyes.” So he did. Then I went into the stall and locked the door and I went for his lips because they were there. He kissed back too and I had his tongue in my mouth and everything.

Then I heard voices. We heard voices, in fact.

“Quick,” I said, “Stand on the toilet so they can’t see our feet.”

So we both stood on the toilet. The stall dividers went to the ceiling so I wasn’t worried about anyone seeing us from the top.

“You little lesbo.” It was Allison. I knew her voice.

“Leave me alone,” said the voice back, which I immediately recongized as Dierdre, a 7 th grader who had a huge head and a skinny, skinny body. She looked deformed, really.

“I’m going to make you lick the toilet water, you little lesbo, because that’s the only water you’re fit to drink.”

Mona said, “The whole bowl full.”

This made Dierdre bawl harder.

“What do we do?” Reuben mouthed at me.

“I don’t know,” I mouthed back. “Wait.”

The bathroom door opened and I heard another pair of feet.

“Oh, it’s the real lesbo, come to defend the little lesbo.”

“Shut up, Allison,” said Danielle.

“Don’t fucking talk to me like that you lesbian bitch.”

“Why don’t we make them show us what lesbians do,” said Wanda.

“Leave me alone,” said Danielle.

I could just peer through the crack of the stall door and could see Mona pushing Danielle to the ground.

“You’re going to lick her pussy,” said Allison. “Lift your skirt.”

“Holy fuck!” said Danielle, “I’m not a fucking lesbian.”

“Shut up,” said Allison. I heard Danielle get kicked.

“My nose,” she screamed.

“Shut up,” Allison said again.

“Lift your skirt or I’ll rip it off you,” Allison said. There was scuffling and I could see Allison grabbing Dierdre from around the waist. I assumed she was grabbing her skirt up.

Dierdre whimpered. I could barely make out what was going on, but it seemed to involve Wanda and Mona holding Danielle on the floor and Allison pushing Dierdre to her.

“Now bring it here, you little lesbian bitch.”

And then I heard, “Now fucking lick her or we’ll cut you wide open. Show her the knife so she stops squirming.”

Silence. Then Dierdre screaming and screaming and pushing and lots of scuffling. Dierdre sprinted out of the bathroom screaming and bawling. Danielle ran after her. Mona and Wanda were laughing and Allison too.

“Lesbian bitches probably loved it,” Allison said.

“Fuck,” said Mona.

(to be continued as well…)

©Rachel Levine 2003