..you came..
-- yes, I am bored and depressed and a little fucked up and I have nothing better to do with my time. I personally would recommend that you read no further for fear of what I may say. So. Chances are if you're reading this, you something about me already. But, if you don't, here's a little snippit about me. I hate almost everything and everyone on this planet. I'm a bad, bad person. I've killed, raped, stolen, snorted, dropped, smoked, tossed back, beat up, looted, huffed, shot up, lied, cheated, fucked over, stabbed in the back, and tried on several occasions to kill myself. I now know better. I instead would like to take some flashy method of death, or something stupid, or entertaining, or fun, or heroic. Or even all of them put together. As for the reason for my depression, you would be here for hours if I told you everything that depresses me. I'll give you some basics though. I'm addicted to several things I should not be addicted to. Things that will come back and kill me in the end. I am an alcoholic. Everyday, I wake up at 7 and spend my day at a place I hate with people I hate doing work I don't want to do while someone I hate and defy constantly tries to teach me something I will never need nor use. And everyday I get a little closer to snapping and taking a knife to each one of them. I've never been in love. Atleast, not really. I've told a person I loved her. I told another person I loved him. And in the most wasted six months of my life, I told another girl everyday that I loved while my mind tried to keep itself with me, and keep me alive. I don't know what happened there but it did. And then I told yet another girl I loved her, even though she was really just my fuckbuddy. Oh, and I'm bi. You can imagine the shit I get constantly. And I truly feel for full blown homosexuals. I really do. They must get so much more shit than me for their orientation. Meh. So I've never been in love. And right now, the only person I have a chance of loving is a girl engaged to another guy. Suckaroo. My father ran off and never came back not too long into my life. My mother, whom I love dearly, is married to a man I hate with every fiber of my being. Le sigh. That barely makes a dent in the problems my life spouts out of it. But enough about that shit. Enough of it. Right now, I, Jordan, he of little love and much hate going both directions, lord of the southern stoners, Ivan Raineyes, Max Madison, the garwolf, wannabe songwriter, guitarist, harmonicist, pianist, death on feet, red blood child, dready, jammer, psychadelic relic, am talking to the girl I am going to love, that will bite me in the ass and everyone knows. So I maybe will continue this, should I have nought to do.. Adieu... --
-- I hate alcohol. It makes me do STUPID shit. God. I can't believe I said all that stuff. It's just gonna make it worse. Stupid stupid stupid. Stupid me. God. I hope she can just forget about it. I don't want things to change from the way they were before I told her those things. Fate, God, Ra, Buddha, whatever deity is really up there, please just let her forget. Don't change things, please.. --
-- well i've got nothing else to do so I decided I'd dick around here for a while. and yes, I am getting drunk again. you know how the saying goes, if at first you don't succeed, try try again. so, bottoms up. hm. I was considering turning this into a real site. Maybe I will.. I dunno. The closest i'll get to it probably will be to put a bunch of the songs I've written up. As a matter of fact I think I will. That sounds like it'd be more productive. --
-- So yeah. I guess that project flopped. Too lazy to do it. *Sighs* I'm hoping that soon I can get over this shit I call depression. It's really not worth it. Bah. Maybe I'm just weak... *shrugs* whatever. If you're even reading this at this point, you must be interested in it for some reason. And I can tell you now, there's no reason to be. It's just my droll. Sorry... *sighs* Stupid grades. Stupid parents. Stupid people. Stupid school. Stupid drugs. Stupid liquor. Stupid love. Stupid caring. Stupid cigarrettes. Stupid life. Stupid Fate. Stupid me. Stupid me. Stupid me. Stupid me. Stupidstupidstupid. Stupid, weak, depressed, ignorant, cold and ugly, wretched, better off dead, stupid me. --
-- Okay so I'm sitting there, bumming my ass out like the pathetic loser I am and I ask Carrie, yo, if you had this friend who wanted to do acid to cope with depression would you let him? and she knew it was me and she was like no and I was like well I'm really depressed and she was like why are you so depressed and she said three simple words that smacked me like a brick of sense and those three words were this, she said 'You got Meggie'. It was so simple. She said that and I sat there dumbfounded for a few minutes. I was just like. You know. She's right. I got Meggie. And I started thinking yeah she's got Tyler, yeah its gonna end, yeah lifes a bitch but who CARES. If its gonna happen its gonna happen, and I can't control that. What matters is I have her NOW. I have what makes me happy RIGHT NOW. I don't plan the future anyway. The only guy or guys who should do that is Fate or God or Ra or whatever deity exists up there or down there or wherever. And I was just like. MAN. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE MATTER WITH ME?!?!?!?! I'm going out with MEGGIE. That makes me HAPPY. or it damn well should. So I my friends have had a minireligious experience. I like Meggie, a ton, and she makes me happy. So I'm going to forget about the past, enjoy the present, and worry about the future in the future. Damn it feels good to be a jackass. --
-- i dont feel well.. ive been dirnknig again.. i was like a little opeeved afetr school today and little insecure and abit down and then I dgot drunk and so all the emotions were mganified so i was pised as ufcking hell and really insecure and depressed as fuck. and now i'm sitting here drunk starin at the i got meggie thign in my profile and it is calming me, soowly but surely. so yeah i just figured this was you cane worthy. so if uigured id put it in. man. fuck. jesus was starting to piss me fof today. i didnt say antyhig cause it was megie and Iwouldnt stop her from donig what she wants if i coudl, but still, he was making m mad. man. i just dont like this feeling, this feeling that makes me hate thehtough of her eing anythin but my girfrien it sucks. GOD I HATE HFELLING. ARG. dude i should really stop drinking.. and iw sh i wasn't sto hottempered. gah. i just dun like msyelf. but whatever. i jsut neded to vent. now i need o try to get better. --
__ diude im so wasted. aaaaaaaahahahahad ude my ""Frind ray us such iabtich. i was like due im drun and she wslie dude yuor drunk arnet you and iw as lik yeh and she wa li tdont alk to em and iw as like BITHC and then ib wraned hedr abbunch and locked her bitchass. heehheh os yeah i'm raly pised off about today gain but you knw wha cn you do? Lol. so yeah i'm gonna erase some more stuid feeing. wheeeeeeee --
-- So I've been grounded. Still am. So that's why I haven't written here in a while. But I will soon. Cause I will be ungrounded soon. So yeah. Just to tell you, I'm more depressed and whiney than ever. Everything's hitting me hard. I guess I'll tell ye all about it when I get ungrounded. So yeah. Gonna go collapse now... --
