Thursday, July 3rd, 2003

There's this constant battle going on inside my mind. I've never really understood it. Most of the time I can ignore it, but not now...

It's like there's two of me. I can be so happy sometimes. I can put on a smile, I can sing in the choir, I can laugh and act stupid. And usually I'm sincerely happy! But not now...

What is it that takes ahold of me? What crosses me over into who I am now? It's like there's no warning. All of a sudden I'm under this dark cloud that won't go away. All of a sudden I'm this depressed person. All of a sudden I don't know who I am or where I'm going. All of a sudden I'm nothing...

So back to the battle... stupid battle!!! Whatever it is, I want it OUT of my head. I'm sick of it! I feel tired all the time. I'm usually just completely mentally exhausted. I waste all my energy fighting. I want to do so much, but I can't...

So I'm thinking maybe it's a spiritual battle? I've heard before that there's always a spiritual battle going on. Maybe that's what this is. But if it is then why don't I see more of it? Why don't my friends have "demons" or argue with themselves like idiots? GOD I WANT TO BE NORMAL! SOMETIMES I AM! WHY NOT NOW? What am I doing wrong?

Okay I'm not a victim... calm down... I'm just confused. See what I mean? I read back through this and I sound like a freakin' skitzo...

Maybe it's best if I don't share this with anyone... I'd like to keep my friends!

I'll write later...