i've fallen down that deep hole known as depression again. i don't know why. i don't know how. all i know is that the happiness i've had has been shattered for no apparent reason.
it seems like my life is falling apart. i become so analytical over every little thing that happens to me that i can't take anything at face value. i just think and rethink, each time turning a usually harmless occurence into something that seems threatening to every ounce of my being. i hate it. i hate myself for doing it, but i cant seem to stop.
i thought that i well and truly conquered this feeling a year ago. but its back with a vengeance, and im even lower that i used to be, if thats even possible. it seems like so much is at stake, and its all hanging by a slender thread. and the thread is fraying.
i suppose the biggest sign of it is that i've pulled out some of my old goth jewellery. the multitudes of bangles and the spiked bracelet i used to wear when i was most unhappy with myself. it served double purpose back then, a security blanket, and a way of hiding my wrists, which more often than not had scratches all over them. i don't want to go back to that. i really dont. im scared i might though. and i know that if i do go back, it'll be even harder to get back out.
i dont understand myself anymore. i get urges to burst into tears at the oddest moments: on the street, in my room, in the baackyard, while in a record store listening to a piece of vinyl i love. they're not euphoric tears tho. they're painful, emotion filled, sadness tears. and half the time i dont know why im crying.
the oddest thing is, i fear losing everything. this is despite the fact that my fears are in now way founded by the utside wrld. its all in my head, but my psyche doesnt want to shake them. rather, it just feeds them and they grow and grow, to the point where they're starting to meake me a walking wreck.
i dont want to go back to that dark place.
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