i dont know whats wrong with me, and it seems that no one in the medical prfession can work it out either. the family doctor thinks im a hypochondriac, thanks to a few weekly visits from when my iron fell so low it was an effort to get out of bed. the doctors at uni just say a few words about stress.
its just getting ridiculous. i never used to be like this. i used to revel in stress, it used to me my firned and motivator. no matter what was thrown at me, i took it in my stride. last year, the stress started to bite, and this year its taken me over completely. i dont know which way is up, and im scared of.. well i dont even know what anymore.
i think part of it has to do with the company i keep (or dont keep) at uni. last year i had a support group.. a bunch of girls in the same classes as me. we spent hours in cafes, on the phone, in class just chattin to each other and keeping each other sane. this year, they're all doing courses for their degrees (med sci) while im left in the chem classes with the geeks. all they do is talk chem and compare theories and notes. no social life to speak of. maybe its the overkill that did it. maybe its the fact that i've been sick, but without being able to obtain extensive paperwork for it, none of the course coveners seem to care. maybe its beacuse of my parents putting pressure on me and flipping at everything i do. its like i cant breathe at home without being accused of doing something wrong.
i just feel so helpless and alone. people i know at uni have either finished exams or dont seem to get this stressed.. so i dont think they'd understand. its justo fucking terrifying. i know what im capable of, i've done stupid things before. i just hope i dont get that far this time. i nearly burst into tears on the scienta steps today. just thinking about how fucked up this session has been.
maybe i have finally cracked. i dont know. im too scared to try and find out for sure. besides that, it would probably shame my mother. she doesnt want to admit that im not the lil girl i once was. she always tries to guilt trip me into doing things i dont want to do.... like going away with them all for the weekend. last time we did that, it resulted in massive fights. i have a different idea of holidays than what they do. i dont want to be dragged all over some place like a tourist, having to be in photos in front of everything that moves and most things that dont. or even shopping. she always grumbles about how i never go shopping with her. i can tell you why.. we'll end up fighting. over something little. to me, shopping is finding what i want then buying it. to her, its finding the CHEAPEST alternative to what i/she wants, then considering buying it. you should see her reaction to some of the things i buy: vinyl = waste of money. clothes = unnecessary due to the size of my wardrobe already. shoes = too expensive for "sportswear" sif my diesels/royals are sportswear. she's too ashamed to tell anyone im going on holiday independently. apparently its "weird". i dont think it is. i told my uncle and he said that he could see the sense in getting away from the people i live with and see often for a while. she'd prolly flip if i told her i wanted counselling or something.
ok. this is turning into a huuuuuge vent. o dear. my life expose (as in ex-pose-ay... not a typo :p) on the net. nice.
i cant wait to get up to brissy. it'll be good to get away from the stress and pain for a while. mmm lazy days wif tim :)
/end rant. ok im calm now. well, maybe not calm, but at least i got some words out. i hope they make sense...
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