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Closeted

They say itís not good enough.
Didnít try hard enough.
Failed again.

They say Iím not good enough.
Didnít do well enough.
Failed again.

They say Iíll never make it,
Never reach my goal,
Never make my dream come true.

They say
ďYou think you can?
Well, wonít you be surprised
When you find out what we say is true...
Youíll never do.Ē

And though I know itís wrong,
A part of me starts to believe them...

ďItís all your fault.Ē
ďYouíll never make it.Ē
ďYouíre too stupid.Ē
ďYouíre too fat...Ē
ďIím embarrassed to have you for a daughter.Ē

ďIím sorry Momma,
Iím sorry Daddy.
Iíve failed again.
I know Iím not what you want me to be.
I know Iíll never be good enough.
I know there is no hope...
Iíve disappointed you,
And Iím sorry.Ē

But what can I do?
Itís a part of me.
Iíve failed again
And will fail many times before Iím through.
I canít be good enough for you.
I only do what I can do...

So I pack my fears away and hide them in a closet.
Pretend that everythingís okay
While all my dreams and hopes are stuffed behind a shoe.
There, only the pain shows through.
This is what I do.

Stuff everything down and pack it inside.
This, at all costs, this I must hide.
The fear and the pain and the hopes and dreams, too
Are all there
Stuffed inside
Hidden under a shoe...
Yes, this is what I do.

There comes a time when the closet door wonít shut.
Whatís hidden inside just wonít stay put.
And this is when I cut...

I cut out the fear and I cut out the pain.
I push it outside; I can handle it there.
I flush out the anger and cover the stain.
And after it all I am even more scared...

But I find, that for now, there is room to spare.
I pushed everything out but I donít despair.
For, now I can put more in there.

When the fear comes back
Along with the pain,
I can lock it away,
Safely
Closeted
Again.