Brian could only stare at Nick. How did he know? For how long? What now?
Without hesitation, Nick took Brian's hands in his and guided them to the bed, where they sat face-to-face. Squeezing his friend's left hand to focus the attention on his mouth, Nick began, "I kind of pieced everything together, but I wasn't completely certain. That's why I wanted to talk to you alone tonight." Brian's eyes reflected his curiosity. "Not a typical blonde moment, huh?
"You're probably wondering about the sign language?" Nick shrugged before continuing. "I bought the book when I first got suspicious of what was happening with you. I thought knowing the language might help when I confronted you."
Nick glanced down at his hands for a moment before returning his gaze - now reflecting the unmistakable cloudiness of the pain he'd held inside - to Brian. "Why, Bri? Why couldn't you tell me?"
Though he could hardly hear the intonation in Nick's voice, Brian knew the heartache his friend felt through the look he communicated with his eyes. The sorrow there was deep. The betrayal evident in the gray that now shrouded the normally bright blue eyes. "I'm so sorry, Nicky," Brian whispered, his anguish raw and exposed. "I didn't know what I should do. Knowing that I was going d-deaf...God, I still have difficulty even thinking that this is something that is happening to me. It's just hard to fathom that I may wake up someday and not be able to do what I love. In a way, I thought I was trying to shield you from the pain. In reality, I was denying the situation.
"I can't even fathom a world of complete silence even now. I can't believe that one day I won't hear A.J. laugh, Howie say something corny, Kevin play the piano or you call me Frick." Brian's voice broke so he was forced to take a breath before continuing, "I won't be able to hear Leigh tell me she loves me, my children call me daddy.
"It hurts to know that I'm going to lose all this."
Nick reached his arms around Brian's trembling torso and shared an embrace with his friend. "Why did this happen? Why now when my life seemed so damn perfect? So much has been thrown at me in my life...I'm starting to feel like a modern day Job. Why does He continue to test my faith? Why?"
"I don't know, but there is no way you are going to face this alone anymore. We'll get through this together." Nick made certain that the older man could see his face and understand the conviction in his words. "Brian, just for the record, no matter whether you hear me or not, you'll always be Frick to my Frack, okay? Cuz I love you and you're my brother, right?"
Brian was overwhelmed by the emotion in Nick's statement and could only nod.
That night Brian opened up the once-closed book that was the last few months of his life. The two friends discussed what had happened since Brian had discovered his disability, the most recent diagnosis and the outlook for the future until long after Nick switched off the light. Even then, though, one question lingered. Fear disallowed either man to lend his voice to its cause.
* ~ * ~ *
Nick awoke the next morning and lay silent for as long as his normally energetic personality would allow. He could hear the hum of the air conditioner, the gentle roll of the waves, the muffled sound of footprints on the carpeted hallway, the gentle click of a door being closed. Glancing over at Brian, who slept undisturbed on the other bed, his own mind began to realize the tragedy and he felt a tear escape his eyes.
"Please, God, don't do this to Brian," he prayed silently.
* ~ * ~ *
Over breakfast, Nick tried his best to persuade Brian to call a meeting and tell A.J., Howie and Kevin about his hearing loss, but his suggestion met with plenty of realistic and unrealistic arguments. It was inevitable and yet extremely easy to avoid approaching the subject with the rest of the Backstreet family. He had seen how the news had affected Nick. How many more hearts did he have to break?
So the subject was never approached. Instead for the remainder of the trip, Brian felt alienated from the rest of the group. Rather than accepting that, however, he insisted it was self-imposed exile and hid himself in the corner of the studio, his only companions a blank composition book, a pad of legal paper and a pen. Music had always been something he could rely on much like a close friend and it hadn't let him down yet.
Nick, meanwhile, watched helplessly as Brian withdrew from the world. The others - A.J., Kevin and Howie - would party downstairs at the bar or play at the casino while Brian stayed in his room. There was no obligation, but Nick found himself with him.
The two friends used the time to talk. They practiced their sign language, discussed their lives. Nick talked about his family; Brian talked about his upcoming wedding. The subject of his disability and the other Boys was avoided, though Nick could see the pain in Brian's blue eyes.
Later in the week, Nick observed Brian, who had taken residence in his now usual corner, this time with a small keyboard. There were headphones over his ears. Eyes closed, he was tapping his foot to rhythm of something only he could hear. Nick was dumbfounded - and curious. Could Brian honestly still write music? Could it be any good?
Nick touched Brian's arm and motioned for him to take off the headphones. Brian obliged "Whatcha doing, Bri?"
"Since my opinions are wanted, I thought I'd work on some of my own stuff." The bitterness in his voice soften as he continued. "It's a song I'm working on for my wedding."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. Just because I can't hear as well as I used to doesn't mean I've grown stupid, too." Nick's mouth hung open at the uncharacteristic cynicism in his friend's comment. Brian sighed. "I'm sorry, Nicky. Didn't mean to take out my frustration on you."
"Don't worry about it," he replied. "Maybe I can hear it later?"
"Sure. You can be my sounding board although I'd rather have a woman's point-of-view." Brian smiled and Nick was relieved to see the sparkle back in his blue eyes.
