After playing catch up on one another lives in a none-too-successful effort to keep the conversation light, Nick left Howie’s condo the following day. He had been grateful for his friend’s hospitality and told him so.
“Thanks for being here for me, D. I may not say it a lot because it ain’t macho – and God knows, we don’t need anymore people questioning our sexuality – but you know I love you guys, right? I appreciate all that you have done for me.”
“No problem, Nicky. So, where you off to?”
“I hear that Aaron Carter is performing in Atlanta this weekend.”
“Is that such a good idea?”
“As much as I hate to admit it sometimes, Jane is my mother and she deserves to know that I am okay. And there is plenty that we need work out, you know?” Nick sighed. “Besides there is a friend there I thought I might try to visit.”
“I’m sure Brian would love to see you.” He looked at his blonde friend. “Just don’t let her hurt you okay. Remember what A.J. and I both said about deserving more.”
Nick blinked away his tears then covered them with the infamous Carter grin. “You know something, Howard? You rock.”
Nick used his cellphone to call the Littrells as he turned his SUV into the drive leading to their house in suburban Atlanta. “Hello?” He smiled as he recognized the voice.
“Hi Leighanne. It’s Nick.”
“Oh my God.” She must have turned away because her next sentence was muffled though still audible. “Brian, Nick’s on the phone.”
“Nick?”
“Yeah, Bri, it’s me.”
“God, it’s so good to hear your voice. We were so worried about you. Howie called and said you were at his place.”
“Actually, I’m not in Cocoa Beach anymore.”
“What? Where are you then?”
“Before I tell you that, would you do me a favor, Rok?”
“Anything.”
“Give me the code so I can open the damn security gate. I don’t want anyone to spot me out here.”
Nick was there, in Atlanta? Right outside his door. Brian shook his head. Unbelievable. “Yeah, yeah sure. Hold on a second and I’ll buzz you in.”
Brian wasn’t inclined to believe until he opened the front door and saw Nick climbing down from his Explorer. He was quick with a hug in greeting. “God, it’s so great to see you.”
Nick smiled over his friends shoulder. “Yeah, you too.”
Leighanne Littrell couldn’t help but be relieved as she watched her husband and his best friend. Brian had been concerned about Nick’s well being over the past few months and the blonde man’s disappearance had both shocked and upset him. She lay awake beside him some nights as he talked about his worry for Nick and A.J. as well as his fears about the future of the Backstreet Boys. The group had overcome so much and Brian was genuinely afraid that the current situation would likely prove fatal to its existence. Of course, he was also willing to admit that it could also strengthen its members both individually and collectively.
Nick smiled as Leighanne handed him one of three glasses of the lemonade she had brought from the kitchen. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome,” she answered taking a seat beside Brian on the couch and settling her hand on his knee.
“I can’t believe Howie didn’t even bother to warn me that you were coming.”
Nick shrugged. “He probably didn’t want to get your hopes up. Honestly, I nearly turned around several times on the way up here.”
“Why? You know you’re always welcome to come visit.”
“Things have changed, Brian. As much as we don’t like to think so, we aren’t the same people we were nine years ago. A lot of shi-stuff happened – both good and bad.”
“I know that, but no matter what we’re still friends, right?”
Nick said nothing to that as he smiled a sad smile and tried not to glance at Leighanne. “It isn’t the same. I’m not a naïve 12-year-old anymore. I have seen and done too much.” Not really wanting to visit that issue yet, Nick cleared his throat in a weak attempt to change the subject. He stood and stretched. “Man, that was a long drive. I think I need some sleep.”
“Leigh always makes certain to have a few of the guest rooms ready. Take your pick.”
“Thanks for everything. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Good night, Nicky.”
“He still doesn’t like me, does he?” Leighanne asked when she was certain that Nick was out of earshot.
“It’s my fault, not yours. I’ve really neglected our friendship since you and I got married.” Brian shook his head. “I can’t help but think this is partly my fault.”
“We’ve gone over this, Bri...”
“I know. It’s just sometimes I feel like I failed him, you know? That I wasn’t the type of friend he needed.”
“Look at tonight as a step in the right direction. Maybe you can mend some of what is broken.”
“That’s all I want to do. I can’t lose him, Leigh.”
Nick didn’t mean to be rude or disrespectful to Leighanne or Brian, but there were so many thoughts still spinning in his mind after the long drive from Cocoa Beach to Atlanta. He tried – albeit unsuccessfully - to keep his mind preoccupied by singing along with his Incubus and Linkin Park albums. Even now he knew what he had to do. So after stripping down to his boxers and a t-shirt, Nick reached for his cellphone and flopped onto the bed. There was a phone call he had to make.
Three times he dialed the number, only to end the call before it could connect. Now, he couldn’t remember how long he had been staring at the ceiling, silently berating himself for being a coward. Dialing a final time, he heard the phone ring on the other end.
“Hello?”
“Mom?”
“Oh my God, Nicky, is that you? Where have you been? We’ve been so worried.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I had to get away for a while. You know, sort some stuff out.”
“But you’re alright now? Ready to join us back on the road?”
She always did have a one-track mind. “Mama, I’m not sure I can.”
“Your brother and sisters miss you and so do the fans. They ask about you a lot.”
The fans miss me. What about you? “Do you miss me?” he asked carefully, not sure that his fragile psyche could handle the answer.
“What? Of course I miss you, Nick. You’re my son. Your father and I both were so worried about you when you disappeared. It just isn’t the same without you on the road with us. Poor Aaron misses his duets with you.” There was short pause. “You know, we’re in Atlanta tonight and tomorrow. You could come up and see everyone.”
Nick sighed. She didn’t know that he was already in town. “Yeah, I’ll let you know, okay?”
There was audible commotion in the background. “Listen, I’ve got to go. Talk to you later?”
“Yeah. I love….” He started but heard a dial tone before he could finish. “...you. I love you, Mom.” Nick’s voice was quiet. “That’s all I wanted to say.”
