He reached for his cellphone knowing that he needed to contact the others and alleviate their concern over Nick’s disappearance. Both Brian and Kevin were relieved by the news. He could only leave a message for A.J. Now he stared at the piece of paper on which he had written Jane Carter’s cell number. His conscience knew that it was only right to call her and tell her that her oldest child had been found, but his loyalty to Nick wondered more about what was right for his friend’s sanity. Howie glanced at the numbers again. In the end, his strong commitment to Nick won. He tossed Jane’s phone number into one of the drawers of his beside table before turning off the light and falling asleep.
~ * ~ * ~
Nick awoke the next morning with what felt like a hangover. His eyes and throat were dry and sore. The thoughts that were still jumbled in his mind had caused an explosion of pain behind his eyes. Though somewhat content to be lazy and stay under the warmth of the comforter, he needed a chance to breathe before the inevitable questions from Howie.
He slipped out of bed and dressed in a pair of red nylon sweats, a white t-shirt and a baseball cap. The proximity of the guest bedroom to the door made for an easy escape but his conscience made him scribble a quick note and placed it on his pillow before leaving.
He reached ground level quickly. Without even thinking about it, he turned left once he hit the sand, walking away from Cocoa Beach Pier. The sun was still making a steady climb above the horizon. He could see a couple of the Kennedy Space Center buildings on Cape Canaveral, which stretched into the ocean just to the North. Flocks of sea-faring birds scavenged the treasure brought in by the high tide. They would scatter as Nick approached only to settle a few feet ahead where the action would be repeated once more.
Nick sighed. It was a beautiful morning…the first day of the rest of his life, as the saying went. Only he could choose which direction his life would go.
He could continue as he had prior to July 8th. Pretending that nothing had happened and feigning ignorance were two things he had done well enough in his life thus far, so well at times that even he believed the lies he had created. There was plenty awaiting him, both good and ugly, and just as many vices to fall prey to when he couldn’t handle life’s twists and turns. That was the easy way, the coward’s way. Nick Carter was not a coward, not anymore.
He could also make the conscious decision to change his life. There were places much like the rehab clinic where he could go to find himself much like “A.J.” had rediscovered “Alex”. He knew he could lean on his friends. The Backstreet Boys could go on hiatus until he straightened out his life and he knew the guys would understand and give him the time he needed. If anyone in management or the record company wanted to argue, tough shit. His sanity was more important.
Nick smiled. He felt good about himself for the first time in months.
~ * ~ * ~
Howie had to admit that he panicked when he first noticed Nick missing from the guest bedroom, but the note quickly laid all Howie’s fears to rest. Now he sat on his porch with a cup of lemon herbal tea watching a man in the distance walk down an almost empty beach.
Howie heard the muted ring of his cellphone and picked it up off the table beside him. “Hello?”
“D, it’s Alex. You found Nick?”
“Good morning to you to A.J. I’m fine thank you and how are you?”
“Yeah, good…Whatever, smartass,” the reply was punctuated with a good-natured chuckle.
“Yeah, Nick’s here. He showed up last night. Scared the hell outta me when I saw him.”
“How is he?”
“Honestly? I’m not sure. He told me a lot of stuff last night, J – I mean, heavy stuff. I think we underestimated him.”
“I kind of got that impression when he showed up here last week. Anything in particular?”
“I think he’d rather tell it in his own way. We need a group meeting as soon as we can and not in any place formal. There is a LOT to talk about.”
“I’m heading to L.A. for outpatient when I get out next week.”
“L.A.?”
“Yeah. Sarah’s going to meet me there. I’ve thought so much about things in here and I’m not certain it’s in my best interest to return to Orlando just yet.”
“I can understand that.”
“I knew you would at least try, man. Cuz you know, you’re just cool like that.”
“Well, thanks, I guess.”
“You know it’s all good.” Howie could nearly hear the smile in his words. The old A.J. was definitely back. “Listen, take care of Nicky, alright? Tell him I love him and that I’ll talk to him soon.”
“You bet. Take care of yourself, too.”
“Bye, Howie.”
~ * ~ * ~
Howie fully expected that Nick would have returned by the time he had showered and dressed, but there was still no sign of the blonde. Howie gazed out the window as he put the water for tea on the stove to boil and spotted his friend sitting on the sand just below.
After preparing his tea and pouring a freshly brewed cup of coffee for Nick, Howie ventured downstairs and walked carefully across the sand. “Nicky? Hey, I brought you some coffee.”
Nick looked up. “Thanks,” he said quietly as he took the mug from his host. The two men sat silently, both staring at something unseen near the horizon. Howie chanced a few glances of concern in Nick’s direction knowing that he wanted his friend to speak on his own time.
“You know, when I was growing up, there was nothing better in this world than having my family around me. It was just me and BJ and Mom and Dad. We didn’t have a lot, you know that, but we had each other and – this may sound cheesy – but it was enough for me because it was all I knew. Now it is all just so damn complicated.
“Coming out here this morning I had a lot of time to think by myself. I thought I had it all figured out, ya know?” Nick raised the mug to his lips and sipped the coffee. “It’s just not that easy…
“I mean, I wanted to…no, I need the chance to get away – like A.J. did. I’ve never gotten the opportunity to go figure out exactly who I am away from all this. A.J. talks about how he rediscovered himself.” Nick turned to his friend. “I’m not sure I’ve ever really known who I am outside of all this.” He shook his head. “God, I haven’t been treated like I was just Nick since I was seven. My parents haven’t treated me like their son for that long.”
Howie laid a hand on his friend’s shoulder. “She was looking for you – Jane, I mean. I have her cellphone number just in case you showed up here. I couldn’t do that to you, though.”
“I just don’t know what to say to her. She has all these plans for us. Me being on tour with Aaron and Leslie was this big thing…you’d think it was the Jackson’s Reunion Tour or something. I loved being with Aaron and Leslie. There’s just so much shit that goes along with it that I just don’t have the power to deal with anymore. Family is supposed to be easy.”
“Not always easy. Everyone has their problems…”
“Yeah, but at the end of the day, it’s all about the love and the trust. I don’t have any of that, at least not with my parents. I have to wonder if I have ever known what it means to be loved unconditionally. Love has always been a business deal – getting something for something. I know it isn’t the way it should be. It’s just reality – something I’ve come to accept.”
Howie was taken aback at the matter-of-fact way that Nick dealt with such an intimate subject. “You know something, Nicky, you deserve so much better than that.”
“A.J. said almost the same thing.”
“Maybe it’s about damn time you started believing it.”
