- Nick Carter, Rolling Stone, December 14, 2000
Howie felt claustrophobic.
The emotions he had tried so hard to battle over the past few days had finally threatened to overtake him. They were the reason why he knew he shouldn't have accepted his mother's invitation for dinner. There was just too much on his mind and he should have heeded the nightmares that forecasted that disaster was looming not too far ahead.
Howie sighed as he pulled the Corvette into his garage. Why wasn't his family able to understand? He hadn't meant to snap at Pollyanna, but she had been the easiest target. He felt like a two-year-old when his mother scolded him and now he barely remembered the excuse he gave for his sudden departure.
He had allowed himself to become too involved, but where else would he rather be when his friends needed him? He had just about come to grips with A.J.'s situation when the trouble with Nick decided to compound the frustration he felt. All he could ever ask was why. Why couldn't he help them?
A.J. had told Howie about Nick's visit. It had been a surprise to the other guys that Nick had run from them in L.A. only to go visit Alex in rehab. According to his account, A.J. had an enlightening heart-to-heart, lay-all-your-cards-on-the-table discussion with Nick – really forcing the issue in a situation that bordered on tough love. All was happening in line with what A.J. had expected, including the tears, until he was faced with Nick's silence as the blonde man walked away. He said nothing in response to A.J.'s epiphany. His only response was a long hug and Nick was gone.
No one had heard anything from him since. Jane Carter went from angry to concerned when she discovered that not only was Nick not showing up to perform in Tampa and Orlando, but he also wasn't with the other Backstreet Boys. In fact, no one knew where he was. Howie, Kevin and Brian were frantic in their search until Brian suggested checking the marina in Marathon, Florida. The smaller of Nick's boats had been gone for a few days, a fact that had been affirmed by the company hired to care for the Carter compound while the family was away. Finally, they had found the note saying he needed some time alone.
Howie ran a hand through his hair as he walked toward the front door of the condo. He was so focused on his thoughts that he didn't see the dark shadow slumped against the wall to the right of the front door until he was nearly upon it.
“Excuse me, sir, this is private property.” The man moaned. Maybe he was seriously hurt. “Is there anyone I can call?”
No response.
“Sir?” Kneeling, Howie reached out to shake the man's shoulder. Bloodshot blue eyes met his concerned brown ones.
“H-h-howie?”
“Nicky? Oh my God!” He hugged the younger man tightly. “We were all so worried. Where have you been?”
“I w-went to s-see Alex.” The statement brought another round of tears from the younger man. "I c-couldn't handle…it. Had to get away."
“Come on inside.” Howie threw an arm over Nick's shoulder to help him from the ground before punching in the security code and opening the main door to the condo. The trip to his fifth floor penthouse was filled with an almost stifling tension. Howie watched his friend out of the corner of his eye feeling his concern grow.
This wasn't the Nick Carter he knew. He looked so different and not just because of the newly pierced ears either. Howie pondered the new accessories for a brief moment before continuing his appraisal.
Nick's normally perfectly styled blonde hair was dull and noticeably brown in places. Those blue eyes reflected the confusion and sadness that he must have held within him. The famous Carter grin was no more and there was a cynicism in the voice that once filled with such optimism and faith.
Howie let Nick into his condo bringing the dimmed lights up to bearable brightness in the vestibule. Though the younger man had visited numerous times, Howie felt the need to lead him to the sitting room. "Wait here. I'll be back in a second," he said escaping to his room to collect his thoughts and change into something more comfortable.
Nick stood unmoving for a moment before venturing to glance out the windows at the ocean he loved so much - the place he had used to escape his life so many times. It hadn't been as willing to be his sanctuary this time though. There was too much bearing down on Nick's soul that it couldn't fight hard enough to keep all of it at bay.
Nick walked back through the kitchen to the living area and opened the door to the balcony. Even five stories up, the sound of the waves crashing into the sands of Cocoa Beach could reach him. Leaning on the railing, he allowed the music to surround him as he stared into the distance, trying to find some answers there. This was where he was supposed to be – without a doubt.
“Nick?” Howie called. The older man had panicked when he noticed his friend missing from the lounge area. He had been concerned that Nick had run again until he saw the sliding door open in the living room. He cautiously stepped outside and the two men were surrounded by an uncomfortable silence.
Nick sighed. “I guess I owe everyone an explanation. Might as well start with you.”
“Take your time,” Howie offered as he claimed a seat in one of the chaise lounges. “Do you want to sit?”
Nick shook his head. “I know you guys were all worried but I figured you would realize that I was on my boat sooner or later. It was the only place I could think of where I wouldn’t be bothered and could sort out some stuff.
“But you know something? There was just too much to deal with by myself. I mean, I already feel like I’ve lived my entire life so far removed from the rest of the world that I am in some sort of damn bubble. Nothing was real to me then all of a sudden, there was too much reality. I couldn’t handle any of it.
“If all this ended tomorrow, I don’t know what I’d do, where I’d be. Being a Backstreet Boy is the only life I remember. There was just so much to forget about my life before all this happened that I kind of surrendered myself to the fame and being a Backstreet Boy.”
Nick bit his lip slightly trying to stop his sobs threatening. “I’m so scared, Howie. My life as I know it is falling apart. I see A.J. in that rehab center…I know that it could have been me. Hell, I could still end up there.” He watched Howie try to open his mouth to protest but silenced him. “It’s the truth. You and I both know it.
“God, I barely know who I am anymore,” he sniffled. “It's so hard living this life, losing yourself in the midst of the craziness. Nobody understands how hard it can be. You turn to the drugs and alcohol or just physically push away everything that matters to you. That’s why I was always running. I was trying to forget that.”
“Nick, how can you say we don’t understand. Brian, A.J., Kevin and me, we do.”
“Yeah, you say you do, but there is so much extra I’ve had to deal with like my family. At least you have a family that gives a damn about who you are not what you can do for them.” He wiped his thumbs over his eyes. Fuck. “You know I can’t remember the days when I was just ‘Nick’ to them. These days, I’m just Nick Carter, Backstreet Boy, another means to an end – be it money, fame, whatever…
“It’s never been that way with you guys, ya know? And then all this shit with A.J. happened and I swear I saw my real family breaking apart. Brian was acting all self-righteous. Kevin hated A.J. so much that he was falling apart. And you, Howie? You were acting as if you could just explain everything away, like you knew exactly what we all needed. That’s when it all fell apart. Instead of trying to lean on each other, we went our separate ways when we should have stayed together. That’s what families do. They lean on each other in times of crisis.
“You know all this time I spent running away and trying to figure out the hell that his my life, it did always come back to one thing. You know what I'm scared of most? Losing you guys. You've become a part of me – all of you.“
Howie felt the emotion rise in his throat. “Nicky…”
“No, let me finish. I honestly don't know where the hell I'd be in this world without any of you.” For the first time since their conversation started, Nick stared directly into Howie’s eyes. “I need you – all of you – so bad. You are my family, the ones I depend upon for everything. I can’t lose you.”
Then Nick surrendered to his tears.
