As soon as Brian had cut the engine, Nick had opened the passenger door and stepped out of the car. The ride had been a silent one without so much as the radio’s companionship. Brian had only chanced to glance in Nick’s direction and saw his friend staring out the window as the lights of the city passed by.
Brian secured the car’s alarm before following after Nick, who had opted to round the house and venture into the backyard. He found the younger man in a lounge chair by the pool trying hard to find answers in the water like a soothsayer.
The older man sat in the chaise beside Nick and focused on his face trying to find the answers there. Before long, he saw the tears. It made his own heart break that the man he used to call his best friend was in such torment. He felt guilty for neglecting Nick for this long.
“I’m sorry,” Brian told him quietly.
When Nick turned toward him, the surprise was evident in his eyes – even in the low light. “You’re sorry? What the hell for?”
“I let you down. I’m sorry.”
The blonde man scoffed. “You let me down? Yeah, right. I think you got that backwards. I let you down, Brian, in the worst way,” he paused before quietly adding, “Somewhere in life I’ve let everyone down.”
“What is with this cynical attitude lately?”
Nick sighed. “Life hasn’t exactly been kind lately. I don’t want to burden with details, so if you’ll excuse me…”
“I’m not going to let you do this. You’re tormenting yourself, Nick.” There was no reply from the other man. “I wasn’t around a lot when you needed me, was I? You have been having problems and I wasn’t there for you? I’m here now. Talk to me.”
“You just don’t understand…”
“What? I don’t understand what? Dammit, if you would just fuc – talk to me maybe I could understand. I may not be Howie or A.J. I’m sorry for that. We used to be best friends. We have a past. You were there for me all those times I needed you. It’s about time I returned the favor.”
Nick shook his head sadly. “See that’s just it.” Brian stared at him. The blue flames of anger were now smoldering showing more will to listen than to judge. “Don’t you ever want people to give a shit about you because they want to not because of some obligation they feel?”
“You know that’s not the way I feel. There is no obligation. You’re my little brother, Nick. It’s what families do…try to help each other out.”
“You’re family maybe. My family only exists to make sure I know how stupid and irresponsible I am. They don’t give a damn about me unless it in some way gives them more money or more publicity.” He ran a trembling hand through his blonde hair. “Hell, I wonder if I can even trust my siblings anymore.”
Brian hated that Nick’s life had turned out the way it had. If anyone deserved to be loved just for being himself, it was Nick Carter. But the older man now realized it was because of the lack of love from his family that Nick had such an insatiable thirst for it. He found himself apologizing again only this time for different reasons.
“No, Brian, I don’t want that. Don’t you dare pity me.” There was anger overriding the hurt now. “It just don’t know how to explain it to you. I mean, really, what would you do if your mother told you that you were nothing but a disappointment to everyone, that you were basically nothing.” He heard Brian gasp. “Yeah, I thought so.” Nick shook his head. “I still don’t believe the things she said to me. A mother isn’t supposed to do that.”
“You didn’t honestly believe the things she said?” Nick’s tears began again. “Oh, Nicky.”
“What am I supposed to do? She is my mother. Who knows me better?”
“We do. The guys and I have been around you more often than your family Nick. We’ve seen you grow up into this incredible person. It’s amazing that your family can’t see that. Your dad was on tour with us for weeks at a time, he couldn’t see that?”
“My father didn’t come on tour to see me. The only reason my father is on tour is because of the perks he gets. He’s there for the groupies and the drugs. I swear the guy has slept with more than I have.”
Brian gasped. He had heard the whispers of the rumor, but to have it confirmed.
“You didn’t know that, did you? Nice arrangement really, I’d do the daughters while he kept the mothers and older sisters occupied. They thought it would get them closer to me and sometimes it did. My dad would introduce the girls to me.” He paused. “You know, I’ve never been one for sloppy seconds, but I wasn’t supposed to know about it, was I? Stupid Nick was smart for once and figured it all out on my own.”
“Nick…” Brian’s voiced cracked and Nick realized his friend had started crying. He should have felt better knowing that someone else shared his pain, but he was nearing the bottom of his downward spiral.
“I can’t do it,” Nick said shaking his head sadly. “I can’t live like this anymore. Something’s got to break…and I am so goddamn afraid that it is going to be me.”
Brian reached for him, to try to comfort him as best as he knew how. Nick struggled against the embrace. “No, Nick. I won’t let you talk like that. Let us help you…PLEASE. Do you realize how much it would hurt us to lose you?”
Brian recognized the look in his friend’s blue eyes as one of disbelief and his own heart broke at the sight. What am I going to do with you, Nicky?
