Nick yawned as he slowly descended the stairs the next morning. He had slept little more than fifteen minutes at a time and his body was still exhausted. As he approached the kitchen, Nick’s senses were awakened by the distinct smells of a down home country breakfast complete with ham and biscuits then he head Leighanne’s giggle mix with Brian’s laughter. From the livingroom, he could see the couple helping one another fix the morning meal.
Brian was perched at the stove cooking what looked to be scrambled eggs while nearby Leighanne sliced fruit for a salad. Sometimes they would stop their preparations to steal a kiss from one another. Even after the two had married, it was obvious they had kept their love exciting and comfortable.
It was the type of affection Nick longed for to the extent that the need was almost physical. His heart ached to share a love like that, but he had stopped believing so long ago. The relationships he had experienced had failed so miserably that he no longer searched for something so absolute. Certainly he wanted unconditional love but he knew he was capable of giving or receiving something so pure.
Nick re-entered the room and this time Brian turned toward the sound of his footfalls on the hardwood floor. “Good morning, Nick.”
“Hey, Rok. Morning, Leighanne.”
Leighanne put a mug of steaming herbal tea in front of Nick as he sat on one of the barstools. “Sleep okay?” she asked.
He nodded. “Thanks.”
“Hope you’re hungry. There’s a lot of food involved here.”
“Need any help?”
“I think we’re set,” she replied.
Brian smiled. “Good timing as always, Nick.”
“I’ve had a LOT of practice on the road,” the younger man grinned briefly before taking a sip of his tea.
Ten minutes later, when the trio had said a blessing and began to eat, Brian finally asked about Nick’s plans for the day. Nick swallowed his forkful of scrambled eggs.
“I called Mom last night. I’m going down to Phillips Arena to talk to her.”
“You want me to go with you? It’s been a while since I’ve seen Aaron. It might be fun.”
God no. He didn’t want Brian there when his mother ultimately chewed him out. “Thanks but I really need to go alone. Mom and I need to discuss some stuff.”
Brian shrugged. “If you change your mind…”
“Nicky,” Jane greeted her son with a hug when he arrived backstage at the Phillips Arena that night.
“Hi, Mom.”
“Nick!” Aaron ran out of his dressing room. The two brothers shared an embrace.
Nick couldn’t help but smile. “Good to see you too, A.C.”
“You’re okay?”
The elder sibling nodded. “Fine. I was just out on my boat. Sorry to worry you.” He glanced at his mother before adding, “All of you.”
“Aaron, you need to go get ready.” Jane reminded Aaron.
“I’m going – just wanted to say hello.” Another hug and a “see ya later, Nick” before Aaron disappeared back in his dressing room.
“It’s really great to have you back. Everyone missed you so much.”
“Yeah, I missed you guys, too.” Nick’s eyes found a spot on the floor and focused on it rather than his shame. “I’m sorry I ran off like that Mom. It’s just when I saw A.J. at the rehab center, I didn’t really know what to think of everything, ya know?”
“It’s okay. You’re here now. All is forgotten.”
“But I wanted to tell you about…”
“No time, sweetie. We have to get you and Aaron ready for the show tonight.”
“But I’m not…”
“Of course, we’ll have to see what kind of costume we might be able to find for you.”
“I want to talk to you, Mom. I’m not here to perform.”
“What? Don’t be absurd, Nickolas. We can talk on the phone. Why else would you have come all this way?”
“Um, I was already in town. I came to see Brian and Leighanne,”
“Brian and Leighanne? You came to see Brian and Leighanne.” She paused for a moment to check her frustration and anger. “WE are your family, Nick! Not Brian. Not A.J. You need to be here with us. We need you to be here with us.”
“Do you really or are you just saying that because it’s what I want to hear?”
“NICKOLAS!”
The 21-year-old Nick felt himself regress to a scolded five-year-old. “What?”
“The family needs you, Nick. You are a part of all this,” she said indicating something more encompassing with her words than with her hands as she gestured to the backstage area, “and you don’t need THEM to be successful. If anything they are holding you back.”
“But they’re like my brothers.”
“This isn’t some teenybopper interview, so there is no need for that rehearsed crap.”
“It’s the truth. They’ve been there for me when I needed them. A.J., Bri, Howie and Kevin are just as much my family as you, Dad and Aaron. Maybe more,” he concluded – not realizing he had voice the thought aloud.
“Really? Then maybe you should just forget about us if you think you are so much better. Go depend on your little Backstreet family,” she hissed. “And what a family they are: a religious zealot who thinks he was saved by the physical touch of God, a thirty-year-old that misses his dead father so much he can’t keep his marriage together, a druggie fresh out of rehab…”
“They’re my friends, Mama. T-they’re not like that,” Nick protested.
“I wonder what that makes you?”
When their eyes met, she found her answer. “A disappointment.” Her smile was filled with visible certainty. “You are NOTHING but a bitter disappointment to me, to your father, to your family.”
Nick shook his head and tried to keep his emotions on an even keel as he spoke. “No…I’m not…please don’t.”
“Don’t what? Tell you the truth? I think you’ve been listening to those fans for way to long. They keep telling you that you’re perfect that you can do no wrong when the opposite is true. You are NOTHING at all to anyone. When this whole Backstreet thing ends and no one gives a damn about you, don’t even think about crying to me.”
“It isn’t supposed to be like that.” The pain of his tears burning a trail down his cheeks was much like pain he felt in his heart. Both were all too palpable.
“You only brought this upon yourself – acting like you do. Now if you’ll excuse me, my SON needs my help.” Jane Carter walked away leaving Nick to try to understand what had happened.
“What did I do that was so awful? I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.” He waited for an answer that never came. “Mama, please don’t leave me alone.”
Nick was all too aware of the people staring at him and failed at his attempts to brush off the incident. Finally, he stopped one of the male crew passing by. “Excuse me, I was wondering if you might be able to give me directions…”
