- Nick Carter, Rolling Stone, December 14, 2000
~ * ~ * ~
It was surreal to watch himself cry on television. Those words boasted in the Rolling Stone article last fall were certainly haunting him now.
"I don't cry."
Nick Carter had been proven wrong more times than he wanted to admit this week. Of course, the interview prior to the live broadcast on Monday's MTV Total Request Live was the one time that he had lost it that had been captured on film. It was also the one moment that had been repeated on every network from CNN to NBC since the announcement.
A.J. McLean, one of his best friends and a fellow Backstreet Boy, had signed himself into a rehabilitation facility at "an undisclosed location," where he would be treated for depression, anxiety and alcohol abuse compounded by the death of his maternal grandmother. The situation forced the Backstreet Boys to postpone the second leg Black and Blue Tour for 30 days. They had already assured the fans that the dates would be made up in September.
The four remaining members of the group had just returned from yet another interview on the subject and Nick had resigned himself to staying in the room, where he could only stare at the bland ceiling of his hotel room and marvel at the lifetime that had passed since the announcement. In reality - a strange sort of reality for everyone involved, it had been only three days. His other bandmates - Kevin Richardson, Howie Dorough and Brian Littrell - claimed they had see this coming. Maybe so, but how the hell do you prepare for something like this?
The news media was always talking about the five identifying personalities of any group that was labeled a "boy band". There was the hearthrob, the shy/sweet one, the boy next door, the rebel and the big brother. A.J. was the rebel and he played his part well. His exploits were well-rumored, some even well-documented. He drank alcohol, bedded a large share of women. He was even into recreational drug use - marajuana and a little cocaine. It was the rock-n-roll lifestyle - the kind of behavior almost expected of you once you attained a certain level of success.
So where had A.J. finally crossed that line? When had his life become unacceptable? Was it because it started to affect the group and his performance? That was Brian's reasoning and Kevin's too more than likely because Lord knew Kevin wasn't exactly innocent of the same crimes A.J. committed. Being the big brother, he just knew how to keep it under control and under wraps.
And Brian - the all-American boy and the one member that Nick used to call his best friend before life and marriage got in the way? The tone of Brian's comments during the television interviews had sounded so righteous. A few misplaced steps or wrong turns and Brian and A.J.'s roles could have been switched. Didn't he understand that? How could he act so aloof?
Then there was Howie. Nick felt for certain that the one who had known A.J. the longest would have shown a bit more empathy, especially since there were a few parallels in their lives. Howie also liked to party, although he usually limited himself to alcohol, and he had lost his eldest sister to Lupus only a few years ago. He didn't fall apart, not like A.J. had.
They had always talked about how close they were. In numerous interviews, one Boy or another would proclaim that they were family. If they were, it should have made it easy to understand and sympathize, to get A.J. the help he needed before the problem mushroomed. Yes, they had hired a counselor at the beginning of the tour, which didn't seem to help matters. If the others insisted they could have predicted this, why couldn't anyone stop it?
The thoughts in Nick's head swirled like a hurricane even now. When the announcement was finally made, Nick had tried - obviously without success - to keep his emotions in check. It was the reason he had stayed quiet and the reason he had felt the need to apologize to MTV newsman John Norris and the fans that were watching.
He snatched the remote off the other side of the queen-sized bed to switch stations and there was his image on VH1. "It's not about the group," he heard himself say through tears. "It's about his life and who he is and that's the most important thing."
Is that honestly what he said? The more he heard that soundbyte, the more he wondered if he had really said those words. God, it was so difficult to sit there and listen to the others talk. Sure, Kevin had choked on a couple of words, but Brian or Howie had avoided showing any sort of emotion. Nick remembered trying to keep silent, but something inside him felt the need to make people understand he wasn't handling the situation well. Not one of other men could be bothered to comfort him. It hurt more than he could say.
Nick tried to focus on the Incubus video and unconsciously wiggled the fingers on his broken right hand, the result of his heated conversation with A.J. and Howie on Friday night. He couldn't remember what had set him off, just the pain that screamed through his hand as it hit the wall.
The emergency room doctor at Massachusetts General Hospital had been a bit cautious about the injury after hearing who Nick was. He opted to use a soft cast that ran from Nick's hand to midway up his forearm and prescribed Vioxx for the pain. He also told the young man that it might be advisable to take some time off. Because he was a musician, it was in his best interest for the injury to heal properly.
His broken hand had been the subject of much media and internet chatroom speculation since then. Did he punch a wall like Kevin hinted to the fans during the concert Saturday? Did he hurt himself when he mis-stepped and fell onstage Friday night? The official cause was a basketball game, at least according to a statement from the Backstreet publicity camp. How believable was that? You don't break your hand playing basketball a wrist or a finger maybe.
But his injury was the cause for the group meeting on Sunday where life as Nick knew it to be did a 180-degree flip. They had talked about postponing the tour then - for the few days it might take to find a physical therapist willing to travel. That was until A.J.'s tearful confession that he couldn't fight his demons by himself anymore.
After a very emotional meeting, where each man sorted out his feelings on the issue and Kevin made the call to managment. The group considered heeding of the advice their handlers gave them - formulating a plausible lie rather than being honest about the situation. "It will destroy the group," they had said. Nick's injury would have been the perfect excuse to postpone the tour, but not for the 30 days or more that might be required for A.J.'s treatment. None of the guys felt right about lying either.
So Nick, Brian, Howie and Kevin said goodbye to A.J. and worked to developa crisis public relations strategy. They flew directly to New York for the announcement on MTV followed by interviews with The Today Show and CNN. From minute number one, public opinion seemed to be positive. Nick could still see the faces of the audience at TRL, all the girls crying in sympathy. He felt angry. They didn't know A.J. How could they know how it felt to lose friend to this?
~ * ~ * ~
Maybe it was because they talked so much during the day, but when they returned to the hotel at night, silence won over. Management - on advice from the counselor that had been touring with them - had purposefully ordered a four-room suite to facilitate talking. Instead of taking advantage of that closeness to discuss whatever might be on their minds, doors once left open were now closed. As a topic of conversation, they avoided A.J. but not for lack of trying of Nick's part. It was as though their friend had ceased to exist.
So, aside from a conversation or two with Howie, Nick had spent most of his time in his room - thinking about A.J. and what he had said a disc jockey buddy of his on the phone that morning. He and A.J. shared a lot of experiences. The two of them had basically grown up as brothers in the Backstreet family. Nick joined the band at age 13 and A.J. was like 15, giving up their own childhoods for the chance at something as fleeting as fame.
Neither knew much beyond touring, performing and making music. Life before Backstreet didn't exist for them. Because of the way they had been treated as social misfits in school, neither cared to remember the past. It was too painful.
They grew up similarly as well. Both had stage mothers, a requisite for a kid in the business. Of course, in watching A.J.'s relationship with is mom over the years, Nick realized that Denise McLean was by no means as harsh on her son as Jane Carter. He used to watch the two McLeans and wish that he and his mother shared a similar relationship.
The wetness on his left hand shook him from his reverie and he knew he was crying again. God, why couldn't he just turn off his brain? He took the orange bottle of Vioxx from his bedside table shaking it like a maraca before slamming it back down. Maybe the medication was to blame? A push of a button and the television screen went black. What he really needed was conversation and companionship - someone that understood what he was feeling.
Nick rose from the bed and peeked out into the corridor before stepping out himself. Passing Brian and Kevin's rooms, he heard muted voices behind the closed doors and figured that they were both on the phone. That left Howie and although it sounded as if he were on the phone as well, Nick knocked anyway.
"H-howie," his voice was hoarse as it tried to squeeze past the lump of emotion in his throat.
Howie answered the door with his cellphone in hand. "Oh, hey, Nicky, um...come on in. Just give me a minute to finish this conversation."
Nick wandered over to the window and tried not to eavesdrop on his friend but he couldn't mistake what words he did hear: songs, Toronto, flight, writing, tomorrow. Was Howie going somewhere?
"So, Nick, what's up?"
Nick slid a hand through his blonde hair and shrugged. "Nothing, just kinda bored. Looking for something to do."
Howie sighed. "Yeah?"
The silence forced Nick to ask the question without an appropriate transition. "So, um, yeah, what's this about Toronto?"
Howie looked away from his friend. "I was looking for something to do also. You know me, I'm like A.J.," he swallowed the thought. "You know, I just can't stay still for a second. I had to find something to do while we're off."
"What about...me?"
"Come on, Nicky. You didn't seriously think we'd all just hang out and wait for A.J. to come back to us, did you?"
Of course not. He wasn't that naive. "No, but..." Nick didn't know what he thought was going to happen, but now he had to do some thinking of his own. "Were you just gonna leave?"
"No, I would have said goodbye. Brian and Kev, they're going home to their wives. We would have said goodbye." Howie watched Nick withdraw in front of his eyes. Damn, the kid was taking this all hard. "Listen, maybe you and I can get together later in the month in Florida. I won't be spending all my time in Canada...Momma wouldn't allow that."
"Yeah," he answered sadly, wondering if his family would bother to expect him. Hell, they weren't even home. In true Carter family fashion, nearly everyone was on tour with Aaron and Leslie for the summer. He caught himself before his mind wandered into the realm of self-pity. "We'll do that," he muttered as he walked toward the door.
"So where are you headed?" Howie called after him.
Nick shook his head as he reached around to pull the door shut. "I don't know," he replied softy then he was gone.
