I awoke with his arms around me. Guilt swarmed around me like a cloud of smoke. I let my guard down last night and let him in. I made false pretenses about giving him stuff I couldn’t. I let my eyes water a bit and realized I was late for school. Damn him. He was ruining my scheldule. I was an untouchable, emotionally and even pyhsically but now…now…it was different and it was too early to tell if it was good or bad. And to be frank I was scared. I was scared too death. This was my future. This was my life. Could I let him in my life like that? Well considering I already did, I really couldn’t change that. I quickly changed not caring if he awoke. I was mess. I had become such a mess. A broken down mess.
He awoke as I began to write him a note.
“Hey. Where you going?” He asked. I looked at him as if was an idiot.
“School.” I finally replied.
“Don’t go.” He pleaded.
“Brian, you can’t just barge into my life and expect me to automatically change for you.” I replied.
“Your right. I am sorry. I just think that maybe it would be good for you to just give up everything for a day and just be. Be yourself, be with me.” He argued. I closed my eyes.
“No.” I firmly replied. I left right after that I left. It was cold and it was mean. But I couldn’t do it. I didn’t know who I was really anymore besides a smart person who was occasionally was fun. I walked out mad. My blood was boiling. Not at him, although I took it all out on him. It was because I hated myself. I hated who I had become and I had no idea how to change it. I began to get into my old station wagon to drive to school when he walked out of my house and told me to wait.
“What? Do you want me to have breakdown in front of my house?” I asked about ready to do just that.
“No. I want to help. Let me.” He pleaded.
“Why? You don’t know me. I don’t even know me…Why?” I asked.
“I…I…I just….really like you. I want to know you. I want to help you. I want to be able to help. Let me in.” He begged.
“Don’t you realize? How can you not? You are the closest I have let someone get in a long time Brian and I am not sure if I am comfortable with that.” I explained. He looked at me surprised then as the tears began to fall and the realization occured that I would not be attending school today. He rushed to my side and held me.
“You know what. I am not the same either. I’ve changed so much since I met you…Let us grow together. I want to…” He urged. I took his hand and put it to my stomach.
“Feel this…” I said and he did and looked at me a bit confused.
“You are making me nervous.” I explained.
“Isn’t that a good thing?” He asked. I cracked a smile and nodded. I guess it was, wasn’t it.
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Chappy 13-Last ONE (I think)