Summer '03-
July 10, 2003- I went to rehab!! I am a meth addict and alcoholic.... I bet no one saw this coming!! lol! I have been clean for 61 days and I'm living in Vacaville with my beautiful gf Erika... :) Life is good.
Summer '02-
August 29, 2002- Kae well, I spent my entire summer with Suzanne, Steve, Albert, Robert H, Whitney, Drew, Holly, James, Nicholas, Robert, Marin, Tiffany, Andie, Mike, Joe, Eddie, Jesus, Lilja, Ron, Alex, Jeremy, Devin, Cassie, Kevin... there's more, I just cant think right now, and we all basically lived at Whitney's. I went the SF and Sac and Berkely and Oakland and Marin, it was a great summer. I just moved in with my Aunt in Petaluma, so Im going to go to skool here. I've been with Suzanne for almost 3 months, and I love her to pieces, so thats all 4 now.
SKOOL IS BIZ-ACK
May 20, 2002- Hmmm... where to begin. The Navy thing isnt really happening. I really dont want to do it. SO I went to Marin this weekend with my friend Maria. It was super fun. I hung out with Bianca and got to see Katie P and everyone. It was nice. So Vacaville isn't so bad. I seem to acquire a mini cult following everywhere I go. :) No, but all the queers are so very sweet here. I didnt know most of them existed. So I am working at Sub way now, its not so bad.
April 9, 2002- Okae... I havent been back to Marin in a while, but Bianca came up last weekend, and it was fun. I was sick, tho. The hunt for a job continues. Life here is super boring. There is nothing to do in Vacaville. New life plan! I'm going into the Navy. My dad and I went to the Recruter last week and I'm hopefully leaving in August. Boot camp is 8 weeks long. In Illinois. That seems like an eternity. But I'm sure I'll be fine. And I get to get the hell out of here. I want to be a journalist, or find a position in Human Resources. The Navy idea has given me something to look forward to, something to get up for. I started going to the gym with my mom to start training, I dont want Boot Camp to kill me, only kick my ass a bit, so I figure if I start getting in better shape now, the transistion wont be so bad. :) Thats whats new with me.
March 25, 2002- Well. What a weekend. My father said that if I stay with him this past weekend, I wouldn’t be aloud to leave, I had to just stay there and be in the house. So I told my mom that, and she said that it was cool if I stayed at friend’s houses. I ended up staying at Bianca’s house basically all weekend, and my mom knows about us, and she’s okae with it, so I figured that it wouldn’t be a big deal. She didn’t try to contact me at all for the duration of the weekend. I figured everything would be fine. Its not fine. I went to my dad’s house on Sunday night to finish packing and to gather things I’d need in Vacaville and he accused me of stealing money from him. Which of course I didn’t. Apparently the whole family thinks I did. But I haven’t even been to the house when he wasn’t there. The really fucked up part of it is that I know who took the money. And I can’t tell without getting someone I really care about in trouble. Double Jeopardy. I hate my life. I don’t even think the person who did take the money realizes how much my father thinks he knows I took it. I’m really tired. I want to take a break from coming down here. My life just seems to keep ripping apart at every seam I think is really strong. The threads are just pulled so tightly and the resistance never seems to let up, even slightly. My situation never gets better, I just adjust to the pressure and I’m beginning to realize that I need to adjust to the fact that the pressure is only going to keep building, and I’m going to have to keep on adjusting. I wonder what will happen when all the seams break, and all the threads come undone. What then?
March 22, 2002- Alrighty... So back to Vacaville I am. Holy craziness. This is difficult. I'm taking the Cali High School Proficiency Exam next month. I'm graduating this year. Early. I really liked drake. Drake's the only high school I ever really felt a part of. Im tired of starting over. I'm really sick of it. So, in the case that I dont pass the CHSPE, I'm going to finish my junior year so I have the option of going to senior year. I just want to get my life started already. I'm going to be 18 in december, and my parents both want me to be outta their houses, so they want me to get my degree before my 18th birthday. They dont want to be forced to support me through another 6 months to finish my senior year. Its kind of depressing. I never thought it would be me. Getting out of High school early is for people who cant handle it. I can, hell, I even liked one of my high schools. But of course it had to be in a place where I can't stay. Okae, enough self pity. SO amazingly enough, Bianca and I have decided to stay togetherm despite the hour and 15 minutes that seperate us now. She really means a lot to me. We have the best times, just laughing. I think I care about her so much because we were super good friends first. She drove down here the other night, and only stayed for 3 hours, and then dorve back. It was really sweet. Yeah. SO thats it for now. Payce.
March 14, 2002- Damn the man. I'm out of Dad's again... thats o so typical. But I'm pretty sure that I will be renting a little shack- cabin thing from Allie's mom in the valley. It's two rooms plus a kitchen and bathroom, and its got a tv and a bed and electricty... YAY! I wont freeze! So now I know I dont have the time to be emancipated, but I can atleast work towards it so my mom cant take me back to Vacaville. I love my mom, but I cant leave now, I cant start over again. I'm so comitted to getting my grades up here at Drake and passing my junior year with some sort of grace. So I'm trying.
March 7, 2002- I think about death sometimes. Like what will the world say about who I was or how I effected them. Will someone find this and read it, and care? Will it just be lost forever in the eternity that is the internet? Why do I somehow think that people will want to read this? I cant stand the thought of being left behind. Left behind with nothing. If someone I loved or cared about, or even passed by randomly died,I'd want to know what they thought about, or what they believed in. I'd want to somehow be touched by the life they lead. i hope with all my heart people will someday understand that all I wanted to do with my life is show love. I want to be someone that people can say, yeah, I know she had love to give, or that they recieved it, or that somehow I made them feel special, even if it was something as insignifigant as a smile, wave, or squeeze on the arm. God, sometimes I feel like my heart is so full it could burst, like I dont know what to do with all of the compassion i feel. And other times, Im filled wiht so much grief that I dont think I cant stand it, like im breaking and shattering and i wont ever be able to understand and express it. I want to understand. I want to learn. I hate how that's not good enough for my dad.Maybe hes right, I dont really think my education in school is my first priority, because in the fairy tale world I've built my self, a smile and good word will get you far in life, yes even in the "real world". But i want to work hard. I want to achieve things, but my achievments might not be so great in the eyes of the people who judge me. But its not about them, its not their life im leading, its mine, and I want to take that and run with it, to expirience all that the world has to offer. I know my life is a gift, I know what I have... I know! I just want the freedom to stay up all night if I need to, or sleep for 20 hours strait, but just live at my own agenda. At my own command. THings will fall into place, they always do. The universe will always provide for me, because i have that faith. i put myself out for what i believe in. I stumble, I fall, I hit rock bottom, btu its still okae. I still have my self. I still ahve what i am, and thats good enough for me. It doenst have to be good enough for anybody else. Because I want to love, and feel. And I dont have ot be happy all the time. Im not just about feeling emotions that come easy. Im down for heartache, heartbreak, longing, loss, sadness, anger, selfishness, guilt... but not regret. Regret is something that I dont give myself the opportunity to have. Its a waste of time, I know I cant change things when they're gone and done. But i can learn from them. I can take the expirience in my grasp, and analyze it, and squeeze every last detail out of it until I find what went "wrong" or fell short, until I can feel in my heart that i have learned. Even if it means I make the same fucking mistake 3 billion times in a second in a row, thats fine with me, because Im always going to have the chance to learn from it. Until the day that I die. And even if that day came tommorow, I could honestly sit here and say, I have no regrets, I have no malace toward anyone or anything, and that I expirienced love, passion, hurt, guilt, joy, sadness, loss, and gratitude. In the 17 years I've spent on this Earth, I've used my time wisely in my eyes. I got out of my safety zone, I chased the moon, ran with the stars, seized the day, I lived. I loved every moment of my life, even in my darkest hour, even the world was falling and i was loosing grip on everything I ever had or wanted. Even when I didnt want to love life, or even live life... I can look back and say, yeah, that was so fucking hard, but look at me now. I apreciate it all. I have respect for it all, every curve ball thrown in my path that disturbed my quiet waters. And I have apreciated the people in my life, and loved them. I can only hope, wish and pray that someday they will have even the slightest glimpse into how much they were cherished and loved by me.
March 6, 2002- Went back to my dads. The man really bothers, like how does he expect me to respect him?... to be continued.....
February 12, 2002- Well. The teen shelter isnt so bad. It sucks, but not too badly. My dads in jail... not surprising, and hopefully he'll be out by Friday so I can go home. My Mom and step dad (the guy who is my dad[we made up and he apologized] and deserves a better title) came and took my out last weekend to the city and my brother got to come and I saw the movie "I AM SAM" with my mom. They really want me to go back to Vacaville, but I really cant. My life is here. My friends, true friends are here and I love drama and I'm in 2 plays that I've already comitted to. My life is here, and this is where I need to be. And Kim! Kim wont let me move in on Friday because my dad isnt there. She hates me. I cant stand her, but I shouldnt be punished because she didnt know what a moron my dad is. This is so stupid.
February 5, 2002- Oh Hey now. Well on Sunday night Jasons Mom took me to a teen shelter. They are so strict. They took my pager, curling iron, lighter, cigarettes, everything. They search my stuff. I understand that they need to keep the house safe, and I dont have anywhere else to go. I cant go anywhere and I have to be home directly after school. Its so hard. My parents are coming in for counseling sessions, and its so weird. My Dad came into see me , and I'm pretty sure he was high. I'm also pretty sure he was arrested last night. Cool. Cool parents. Well... yes. Its amazing. What a country we live in. My parents, who are in no position to have that title, have so much control all of a sudden. I've been on my own for 2 months, where they've neglected to give me any financial or emotional support, and now they determine who can see me at the shelter, and whether I go into Foster care. Its such bullshit. I'm more the adult here. Age is bullshit. Thats not what its about. I feel like a 35 year old trapped in a 17 year old body. ::sigh:: There is no justice. If they would just sit and listen and know me, they'd see how i'm not a dilinquent, or irresponsible or hopeless. I want to succeed, not for them, for me. I'm so much better than this. I'm worth so much more. Why can't they just step back, and seek to understand, instead of control. I'm going to fine, I'm going to be better than fine, I'm going to be great. But it needs to be my choice, my project, my life. I'm working towards the light.
Jan. 28, 2002- Happy New Year. Late. Sorry. Life is interesting, ya know? I am starting on two musical productions this year, "Something about Pink Candles for Breakfast" And "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory" both by my director David Smith. I'm really excited about it. I finally got a job! I'm working at a Pet Shop a few blocks from my house. I'm only making minimum wage... but I am making money. I'm probably going to have to pick up another job soon so I can start looking for a real home. I'm finally understanding a bit more about responsibility and what its like in "the real world". I got my report card... it sucked. I need to do my skool work. Even with working I still have plenty of time to do it, I just havent been. But I'm going to start. Its a new semester, and even if it wasnt... today IS the first day of the rest of my life, and I'm working on making every moment count. :)
Dec. 16, 2001- I'm 17 now and i'm living with this guy....
October 26, 2001- Man, Im back at my dad's. shit went down, josh and I are over... look, its me and allie!
-------> 
September13, 2001- Okae, Im living at Moms again in Vacaville, back at Vanden, and Josh and I are still 2gether... but things have been tough. He doesn't believe anything I say, and its getting old. 'm tryin so hard to be patient, but man. Its not easy. I love him, but I'm wondering why he likes to mess with my head so much, like manipulating. His mom and my mom totally dont get along. Its sad. I dont know how much longer we can hang on
Summer Time Again
August16, 2001- Count down, two days b4 i go to Mexico. I cant wait. Okae bye
August 15, 2001- Heya, as of yesterday, Josh and I are back 2gether, yeah, and I leave for mexico on saturday! Hurray for that!Kae love yall bye!
August 3, 2001- Man- Two faced folks are really not cool. I'm going to cry. Pray for your enemies, dont hate them, it will only destroy you.
August 1, 2001- Kae. Church camp was really great. i had a blast.it was very uplifting. I'm so glad i went. I leave for Cheer camp day after tomorow, that will be a blast, and then it's two weeks till mexico, and 3 till school!!!! 2morrow im gettin my nails done and packing. yay. Okae, bye bye.
July 19, 2001- Riiiigghhht- Okae. Here I am in my room, just typing away becuase I can and I thinking becuse there are commercials on the raio and Im trying to ignore them becuase I dont feel like getting up and turning it down or off. Yeah, like i have said many times... ignorance bothers the hell out of me. It really does. yesh. Legally blonde is a really good movie, the end.
July 16, 2001- Heya. Yeah, driver's ed! I'm passing still and there is only one week left! YAY. Maybe I will be driving someday! SO yeah. Im just hanging out here, and I went to my mom's and I'm going to Mexico! Yay! Not a lot is new. Im writting poetry a lot more, and I read some last night at open mic in the valley, it was really cool. Poeple like... like it. Weird. Okae, enuf for now, Love yas.
*July* 2, 2001- Hey peoples. Happy July. On Saturday, I werked at Marine World and it was sorta fun. And weird, Josh was there, he who i havent thought about in ages...(riiiight) and we like got along, we even laughed and joked. For once he didnt try to make me feel like a fool. It was decent, cool even. Yeah. SO Im still really mad at my "father". Kae bye
June 26, 2001- yeah hey. My dad didnt come home tonight. its almost 11. he didnt call. whoa. cool. i hate it when he does this.he always expects me to be home when i say i will, or call, yet he gets to be a jackass. this is bs. Im going to get out of here. I hate him. love you all- Me
June 24, 2001- Yeah, summer is great. I'm at my Mom's, and just chillin. I have cheer practice 3 times a week :). I think I'm going to Mexico in August, but its still in "the werks". I've never been out of the country before, and it would be sooo sweet. I can't believe that this is a basic summary of a whole year of my life already! Time flies. I dunno if I've changed much. ::shrug:: But maybe. Man, I know I haven't talked about it much, but I really miss my Aunt Darlene, she was really a great person. She was so caring and honest. She loved me so much, it was such a shock when she died. No one saw it coming. I just wish I could have told her how much she meant to me, and how much I apreciated her. I did. I really did love her, and still do. Not a day goes by that I don't remember her, and miss her. I am so thankful of the time that we did have together. She sure did make me and everyone laugh. She always seemed to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will treasure her humor and miss her laughter.
June 16, 2001- Yeah, hey. Wuts up? Nada here, except for the concert yesterday, the BFD. It was so awsome, there were like 20 bands there, among my favorites were Staind, New Found Glory, Pennywise, Fuel, and I don't care what anyone says about Blink-182, they totally don't suck live. They were all great.
June 11, 2001- Heya. Yesterday was my brother's 12th birthday. (Chris Jr.). He's up in the mountain's visiting grandparents, man I miss that kid. He's a really neat person, you should meet him, hes way great. I went to a concert again on Friday, it was very fun. Yeah. This week is finals! Yucky. But we get out on Thursday and then I'm going to the BFD, so that's my reward for surviving! Okie day. Enough for now. Love yas!- Lynny
JUNE 3, 2001- well, this is where I end my Skwel Journal, and start another Summer one! Okae, summer isnt officially here, but it might as well be! I'm tan, restless, and its is HOT here! So yeah, my dear friend alex decided to attemp communication with me, and it worked, it was so great, like i dunno, all these memories came back, dont you just love happy endings? I do. Yeah, mad love to all, its going to be okae.
Skewl Journal
and got dumped, we decided not to let it ruin us, so she asked me, and we're going to have the BEST TIME! I love you guys, u know who u are!
She crawls and babbles and makes
this adorable face that I call "the stinker face" where she bunches up her nose and wrinkles her face and starts breatheing really hard out of her nose.. it's soooo cute!!! And she also growls at the dog! She halarious! I don't know what I would do without her, she makes me laugh sooo much
So yeah... Happy Late GroundHog DAY! Mwah love you all.... XOXO
Summer Journal
