I'm not a violent man by nature. Truly, I am not. My most triumphant altercation in a bar was not a fight. It was a crafty bit of conflict resolution that involved an explicit description of my unwillingness to fight. To put it more directly, I said, "If you try to fight me, I will run away. Now, I'm really fucking fast. It will be a pain in the ass to catch me. But, should you manage to get me, know this: I will turtle and scream. Scream like a sorority girl in a horror film." I believe that was the closest I've come to a physical altercation in the last 20 years. Really. I hate violence.
BUT.
I think it's finally time to take some action. You see, I'm not allowed to vote in the US elections (for reasons that escape me...), yet I feel the need to make my voice heard any way I can. The Bush administration has spent the last 4 years working my anger and outrage into a festering boil ready to erupt. George Bush must be defeated, yes, but there is something else that I believe must happen: George Bush and his pack of bullies must be shown the error of their ways. They need to be smacked down and made to feel the unbearable weight of shame that is their due.
I propose a show down between myself and Dub-ya. No weapons of mass or even medium destruction. No adornments or tools or weapons of any kind, in fact. I want Bush and I, mano-a-mano, in 12 rounds of bareknuckle boxing. At stake: his job. If I win, he must pull out of political life completely. If he wins... well, I have nothing to offer them really, and besides, he WOULDN'T win. If there's one thing about "never-had-to-fight-his-own-battles-or-make-his-own-way-and-my-daddy-got-me-into-this-school-and-
out-of-all-the-trouble-I've-been-in" kind of bully, it's that they are hopeless when left to their own devices. It's why Dub-ya has had the fewest press conferences of any President in over 50 years. People ask inconvenient "questions" that may, of all things, take a different point of view than his own. Its why he accepts no criticism or dissent from his cabinet (witness the marginalization of Colin Powell). Its why he looked like such a pathetic brat during the debates. When not surrounded by his "possey" of bullies and hand-picked throngs of supporters, he falters. And in our fight, with no place to hide a receiver and ear-piece, no gloves to hide a metal plate or other device, he will fall. He might even cry, like the misguided little boy he is.
You see, it's become painfully aware to anyone with sense and intelligence in the world that George W. Bush is nothing but a rich, spoiled, mean-spirited frat boy. I watched his demeanor during the recent debates, and you could see his smug little smirk turn to an incredulous "no one talks to me this way" scowl (when he wasn't acting like a slouching, fidgeting, impatient child). He even blurted out "I knew that!" in true I'm-rubber-and-you're-glue fashion (Karl Rove's favorite campaign strategy, it would seem). He's a brat and a bully. He's smug and stupid. And he's the leader of the most powerful economic and military entity on the planet. This is a bad combination. In my experience growing up, there's was only one way to deal with kids like this. You have to stand up to them. You can't reason with someone who literally or metaphorically plugs their ears and sings "la la la I'm not listening". You can't find comprimise and a better way forward with someone who's critically stubborn, and not adult enough to admit (or even see!) their own mistakes. There is only one way to make an impression: humiliate them in front of their peers. Strip away their imagined strengths. Expose their inner cowardice. Let them know they won't be declared the alpha dog on their say so. There WILL be a challenge. A truely devastating challenge.
Now I admit, there are a few problems with my plan. First of all, I must find a way to trick him into taking the bait and accepting the challenge. And I said before I'm not a violent man, so this idea is a bit of contradiction. Yes, one of my favorite quotes is "fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity". Yes, violence begets violence. Yes, it is a pretty silly idea altogether. But lets face it, sometimes the only way to stop a bully from beating up someone in the lower grades is to step in. Even if it only works as a distraction. After all, all we're really trying to do is get their attention and open their eyes to their evil, evil ways. If you cast them in the role of lonely victim for a moment, SOMEtimes they can see the light. Of course that does require some level of emotional maturity and intelligence. There must be a seed to germinate.
Here's hoping beyond hope.
Also, I must admit that I have some selfish reasons for this proposal. As a Canadian, I have no vote in this incredibly important election (even though it effects the entire planet), and convincing my American friends in the US, here in Canada, and abroad to vote against Bush has run its course. I've bugged just about everyone I can bug. Yet I still feel a burning desire to do more, to give the world a little nudge in (what I believe is) the right direction. And also, the level of corruption and arrogance they operate under, and the level of damage they have inflicted on world politics and the earth and its peoples has offended me in the deepest manner.
And I demand satisfaction.
So waddaya think Dubya? You want a piece of me? You got the guts to get in the ring with all 160 pounds of my out-of-shape Finno-Canadian fury?!
Hmm...?
Hmph! ...
...That's what I thought.
The "Muukii's Soapbox", bareknuckle box-off dancecard:
Main event: George W. Bush
Undercard: Dick Cheney
John Ashcroft
Donald Rumsfeld
Paul Wolfowitz
Karl Rove
Tom Ridge
Mike Leavitt
That'll about do it. The rest can make due with a stern talking to and 4 years detention.