Redneck Date APPlication

Eff'n yer a YANKEE CLICK HERE

This hyar applicashun will be incomplete an' rejecked unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job histo'y, lineage an' medical repo't fum yer docko'.

1.
Full Name

Nickname

DATE OF BIRTH

2.
HEIGHT

WEIGHT

I.Q.

G.P.A.

3.
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER

DRIVER LICENSE #

4.
BOYSCOUT RANK GOOD STANDING:
Yessuh
No

5.
HOME ADDRESS

CITY/STATE

ZIP

HOME PHONE

CAR PHONE NUMBER

PAGER

6.
Do yo' haf one MALE an' one FEMALE parent?
Yessuh
No
Eff'n no, explain

7.
Number of years parents married up wif?

Parents occupashuns

Whut in tarnation is th' bess time t'interview yer parents?

8.
   Do yo' own a van?
   A truck wif on over sized tires? :
   Waterbed?
:    Do yo' haf an earrin', nose :rin' o' belly button rin'?
   Tattoo? :

(Eff'n YES t'enny of th' above :in quesshun #8, Discontinue Applicashun an' Leave :Premises)

9. In 50 :wo'ds o' less, whut does LATE mean t' yo'? :

: 10. In 50 wo'ds o' less, whut does DON'T :TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean t'yo'?
: :

11. In 50 wo'ds o' less, :whut does ABSTINENCE mean t'yo'?
: :

12. Church yo' :attend How offen does yo' attend Bess time :t'interview yer
priest/minister?
:

Fill in th' blank: Please answer freely, :all answers is confidential, ah reckon.
: (Thet means ah will not tell ennyone, evah :...ah promise!).

A. Eff'n ah were :shot, th' last place on mah hide ah 'd be :hankerin' t'be woun'ed is :
B. Eff'n ah were bett up, th' :last bone ah's hankerin' busted is

C. : A woomin's place is in th'
D. Th' :one thin' ah hope this hyar applicashun does not :ax me is_ :
E. Whut in tarnation does yer hankerin' :t'be IF yo' grow up? :
F. When ah meet a gal, th' fust :thin' ah notice about her is
G. Now answer th' :quesshun yo' filled in on letter "D"

NOTE: Eff'n :yer answer t'letter "F" begins wif a T o' A, :discontinue. It is advised thet yo' leave premise :quickly, keepin' yer haid low an' runnin' in a :serpentine fashion, as enny fool kin plainly see. :

ah SWEAR THAT ALL THE :INFORMATION PROVIDED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO :THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, :DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, :ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT :POKERS, AND/OR A HILARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE. :

Signature (This hyar means sign :yer name, Mo'on)

Hi! Fry mah hide! Thank :yo' fo' Interest, please aller four t'six years :fo' processin'. Yo' will be corntacked in writin' :eff'n yer approved, cuss it all t' tarnation. :Please DO NOT call o' write ( on account :o' yo' probably kin't ennyway), howevah this hyar :c'd cuz yo' unspecked injury. Eff'n yer applicashun :is rejecked, yo' will be notified by two :juntlemen warin' white ties an' carryin' violin :cases. It is advisable t'watch yer back! Fry mah :hide! ah's not jokin' eifer! Fry mah hide!! Fry :mah hide!

RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTERS~

When Ah wuz 'n high school Ah used tuh bay terrified uv maw girlfriend's father, who Ah believe suspected me uv wantin' tuh place maw hands on his'n daughter's chest, pardner. Bubba would open thar dang door 'n immediately affect ma good-naturedly murderous expression, holdin' out ah handshake that, when gripped, felt like that thar could squeeze carbon into diamonds, hot damn! Now, years later, that thar am maw turn tuh bay thar dang dad, hot damn! Rememberin' how unfairly persecuted Ah felt when Ah would pick up maw dates, Ah do maw best tuh make maw daughter's suitors feel even worse, Leroy! My motto: wilt 'em 'n thar dang livin' room 'n they'll stay wilted all night, pardner. "So," I'll call out jovially, pardner. "Ah see y'all have y'alls nose pierced, Leroy! Am thut thar because you're stupid, or did y'all merely want tuh APPEAR stupid?" As ah dad, Ah have some basik rules, which Ah have carved into two stone tablets thut thar Ah have on display 'n maw livin' room, hot damn!

Rule One: If y'all pull into maw driveway 'n honk you'd bettuh bay deliverin' ah package, because you're sure as heck not pickin' anythin' up, hot damn!

Rule Two: Y'all do not touch maw daughtuh 'n front uv me, Leroy! Y'all may glance at her, so long as y'all do not peuh at anythin' below huh neck, Leroy! If y'all cannot keep y'alls eyes or hands uvf uv maw daughter's body, Ah gots ta re-move them, pardner.

Rule Three: Ah am aware thut thar that thar am considered fashionable fuh boys uv y'alls age tuh wear they's trousers so loosely thut thar them's appear tuh bay fallin' uvf they's hips, pardner. Please dona take this'n as an insult, but y'all 'n all uv y'alls friends are complete idiots, Leroy! Still, Ah want tuh bay fair 'n open minded about this'n issue, so Ah propose this'n compromise: Y'all may come tuh thar dang door n'all y'alls underwear showin' 'n y'alls pants ten sizes 'n all big, 'n Ah gots ta not object, pardner. However, 'n orduh tuh assure thut thar y'alls clothes do not, 'n fact, come uvf durin' thar dang course uv y'alls date n'all maw daughter, Ah gots ta take maw electrik staple gun 'n fasten y'alls trousers securely 'n place around y'alls waist, Leroy!

Rule Four: ah'm sure you've been told thut thar 'n today's world, sex mithout utilizin' ah "barriuh method" uv some kind kin kill you, pardner. Let me elaborate: when that thar comes tuh sex, Ah am thar dang barrier, 'n Ah WILL kill you, Leroy!

Rule Five: 'n orduh fuh us tuh get tuh know each other, we'all should talk about sports, politics, 'n othuh issues uv thar dang day, Leroy! Please do not do this, Leroy! Thar dang only informashun Ah re-quire ferm y'all am an indicashun uv when y'all expect tuh have maw daughtuh safely back at maw house, 'n thar dang only word Ah need ferm y'all on this'n subject am "early."

Rule Six: Ah have naw doubt y'all are ah popular fellow, n'all many opportunities tuh date othuh girls, pardner. This'n am fine n'all me as long as that thar am okay n'all maw daughter, Leroy! Otherwise, once y'all have gone out n'all maw little girl, y'all gots ta continue tuh date naw one but huh until thar woman am finished n'all you, pardner. If y'all make huh cry, Ah gots ta make YOU cry, hot damn!

Rule Seven: As y'all stand 'n maw front hallway, waitin' fuh maw daughtuh tuh appear, 'n lotsa than an hour goes by, do not sigh 'n fidget, pardner. If y'all want tuh bay on time fuh thar dang movie, y'all should not bay datin'. Leroy! My daughtuh am puttin' on huh makeup, ah process which kin take longuh than paintin' thar dang Golden Gate Bridge, hot damn! Instead uv just standin' there, why dona y'all do somethin' useful, like changin' thar dang oil 'n maw car?

Rule Eight: Thar dang followin' places are not appropriate fuh ah date n'all maw daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anythin' softuh than ah wooden stool, pardner. Places where there are naw parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight, Leroy! Places where there am darkness, Leroy! Places where there am dancin'. holdin' hands, or happiness, hot damn! Places where thar dang ambient temperature am warm enough tuh induce maw daughtuh tuh wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anythin' othuh than overalls, ah sweater, 'n ah goose down parka zipped up tuh huh adam's apple, Leroy! Movies n'all ah strong romantik or sexual theme are tuh bay avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay, hot damn! Hockey games are okay, Leroy!

My daughtuh claims that thar embarrasses huh tuh come downstairs 'n find me attemptin' tuh get huh date tuh re-cite these eight simple rules ferm memory, pardner. I'd bay embarrassed too-- there are only eight uv them, fuh cryin' out loud! And, fuh thar dang re-cord, Ah did NOT suggest tuh one uv these cretins thut thar I'd have these rules tattooed on his'n arm if bubba couldna re-membuh them, Leroy! (Ah checked into that thar 'n thar dang cost am prohibitive.) Ah merely told he all thut thar Ah thought writin' thar dang rules on his'n arm n'all ah ball point might bay inadequate --ink washes uvf--and thut thar maw wood burnin' set wuz probably ah bettuh alternative, hot damn! One time, when maw wife caught me havin' one uv maw daughter's would-be suitors practice pullin' into thar dang driveway, get out uv thar dang car, 'n go up tuh knock on thar dang front door (he had violated rule numbuh one, so Ah figured bubba needed tuh run through thar dang drill ah few dozen times) thar woman axed me why Ah wuz bein' so hard on thar dang boy, hot damn! "Dona y'all re-membuh bein' thut thar age?" thar woman challenged, Leroy! Uv course Ah re-member, hot damn! Why do y'all think Ah came up n'all thar dang eight simple rules?

Hi! Thank y'all fuh Interest, please allow four tuh six years fuh processin'. Leroy! Y'all gots ta bay contacted 'n writin' if y'all are approved, Leroy! Please DO NOT call or write ( since y'all probably cana anyway), howevuh this'n could cause y'all unexpected injury, Leroy! If y'alls applicashun am re-jected, y'all gots ta bay notifiedby two gentlemen wearin' white ties 'n carryin' violin cases, pardner. Thut thar thar am advisable tuh watch y'alls back! ah'm not jokin' either!