Author: Pete Milan
Baby, I have burned with a fever
I've been scorched by desire
But baby, I am not your deceiver
Or your eloquent liar...
Your jealous heart is tearing us apart
And turning love to ashes...
You've got me walking through fire
Walking through fire to get to you...
--Mary Chapin Carpenter
**********
Generally, on Saturday mornings, Willow liked to sleep in. She liked to bury herself beneath the covers and take advantage of one of the few restful periods her life afforded her, her bed becoming a cottony womb as the morning wore on.
It didn't look like that would be happening today.
She stared at the ceiling, her eyes wide open, as birds chirped in the early morning dew outside her window. Beside her, Tara slept with vigor, her mouth wide open, her breathing deep and easy.
Willow looked down at Tara. She looked so innocent, so peaceful... Willow felt monstrously guilty to think that less than eight hours ago, she had been kissing Xander.
She was a horrible, horrible person.
Just once, she'd like to kiss Xander without feeling like a horrible, horrible--
No! She didn't want to kiss Xander! Ever! For any reason!
Horrible, horrible...
But the kiss had been so--
No! Horrible! Period!
Overcome, she sat up and touched Tara on the shoulder.
"Tara?"
Tara stirred slightly, but that was all. When she went to sleep, she was not kidding around. Willow shook her slightly.
"Tara."
"Mmmmggghh." The witch cracked one eye open and saw the clock. No, that couldn't be right. There was still more sleeping to do.
"Tara, wake up."
"No. Goway."
"I need to tell you something."
Tara groaned and opened her eyes. She sat up, slightly annoyed, but the feeling passed when she saw Willow, who was looking at her with eyes full of fear and remorse.
"Whatsamatter?" Tara murmured, brushing Willow's hair away from her face.
"I'm a horrible, horrible person."
Tara stared at her in complete confusion.
"Nuh uh," she finally said.
"I am. I'm a horrible, terrible, bad person."
"No, you're not."
"Something happened last night. When I went to that party. I...I kissed someone else."
Tara's expression was unreadable in the early morning light.
"Who?" she finally asked.
"I...I'd rather not say. But, but, but I wanted to tell you because it was totally a mistake and something I should not have been doing and have no intention of doing ever again!"
"Willow..." Tara slipped her arms gently around Willow, who was still on the verge of sobbing with guilt.
"I'm so sorry," Willow said, as tears slipped down her face. "I'm so so sorry, I didn't know what I was doing, I'm a horrible person--"
"Ssssshhhh," Tara said. She kissed Willow's quivering lips. "Stop saying that. Calm down."
Willow whimpered, her tears drying up immediately.
"I love you," Tara said. "I trust you."
"I don't know if you should," Willow said in a choked voice.
"I trust you. Whatever happened, I'm sure..." She struggled with the next sentence briefly, then gave up, snuggling closer to Willow. "I trust you. Go back to sleep."
They lay back down, Tara's arms around her, which should have made her feel better...but instead made her feel worse.
She was a horrible, horrible person.
*********
It was Saturday afternoon when Xander descended the stairs, clad only in a pair of boxer shorts. Groggy from sleep, he stumbled into the kitchen. Willow was sitting at the table reading; she looked up at him in shock.
She watched as he walked over to the refrigerator...his tanned skin, the flecks of hair on his chest, his flat stomach...
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"Huh?" He peered at her. "Oh. You're Willow. Morning."
"Good morning. What are you doing?"
"Food," he said, opening the fridge. "Need a sammich."
He pulled bread out of one of the cabinets. Willow stared in what she frantically told herself was indignation.
"Is it too much to ask that you not wander around like, like, like that?" she finally asked.
Xander turned and looked at her, confused.
"Like what?"
"Like a big almost-naked guy!" Willow said.
Xander looked down at himself.
"My fly's buttoned," he said. "What's your problem?"
"My problem is some of us are trying to read and it's...distracting for you to walk around like that, with all of your...stuff and none of the clothes. I mean, how would you like it if I walked around in nothing but my underwear?"
It took a few seconds of silence for her to figure out what an incredibly bad idea that sentence had been.
"Never mind," Willow said hurriedly.
"No, wait, I've got a response to that, just give me a second--"
"Xander! Will you just wear more clothes in the future?"
"What's your problem? This is how I come downstairs every morning."
"Well, just...just stop it."
"Okay," Xander said, turning back to the fridge. "Lemme just get my sammich and I'll be out of your hair."
Willow watched him as he prepared the food.
In indignation.
She was such a horrible person...
"You know, I know what you're doing," she said.
"Yes, but can you guess what kind of meat I'm using?" He closed the fridge. "I go back to bed."
"Thank you."
"Will?"
"Yes?"
"Feel free to walk around in your underwear all you want. I'm not here to judge."
Willow frowned as the kitchen door swung shut behind him.
********
Buffy opened the door to Giles' house and was surprised to see a prone figure lying on the couch. She took a closer look; it was Spike, his mouth wide open, snoring loudly.
"Giles?" she called out.
"Guh," Spike moaned.
"Coming," Giles said somewhere upstairs. Buffy looked at an open food container on the floor; it looked like...she picked it up and sniffed it, her nose hairs almost bursting into flame from the stench of curry. She put it down distastefully.
"Oi," Spike groaned. "That's my vindaloo. I paid for that."
"'Vindallo?'" Buffy asked, amused. "You using your made-up words again?"
"Vindaloo. 'S Indian food. Spicy as hell." He closed his eyes, pulled his coat over his head.
"And you are here why?"
"Sleepin'."
"And Giles invited you over for this little sleepover, did he?"
"'Snot like he could drive home last night. We closed down Benny's."
Buffy blinked.
"Benny's? The nudie bar?"
"That's the one," Spike said from beneath his coat.
"But--"
"Ssshhh," Spike ssshhhed. "Spike head hurt. You be quiet now."
"Ah, good morning, Buffy," Giles said, stepping downstairs in a fresh suit, looking not at all hung over. "And how are you?"
"Fine," Buffy said. "I was just checking up on you after last...you closed down a nudie bar?!"
"Oh, he, er, he told you that, did he?" Giles asked, embarassed.
"Be more quiet!" Spike demanded.
"I seem to have blacked out for a short period," Giles admitted. "When I woke up, we were at the Bombay Diner, eating...well, that," he said, indicating the food.
"Uh huh," Buffy said, still confused. "Well, your eyes are bright and your tail is bushy. So how come he's all hangover-y?"
"Because he ate twice as much as I did and I drank twice as much as he did," Spike groaned. "Do the bloody math, can't you?"
"I have a sudden urge to be elsewhere for several hours," Giles muttered. "Was there anything else?"
"Yeah," Buffy said. "A crossbow."
**********
"I need to kill him," Willow said sharply as she walked. She and Buffy were in the backyard of their house; Buffy had set up a target against the single tall tree and was stringing the crossbow for a little practice.
"You don't need to kill him," Buffy replied.
"He-he-he's discomboobulated me!" Willow cried as she paced back and forth. "He's knocked me out of whack!"
"No, that's you doing that," Buffy said. She took careful aim with the crossbow.
"And-and did you notice that I'm stammering! And babbling! I'm Stammering Babbling Willow! I was Confident Purposeful Willow before this happened!"
"Will, he told you he wasn't going to ask you to deal with this..."
"Oh, yeah, like that helps," Willow groused.
"This isn't that bad!"
"Let me ask you this," Willow asked. "Suppose Angel moved into this house, right down the hall from you, and casually mentioned that he's still in love with you, but you don't have to deal with it one way or another."
Buffy glared at her and lowered the crossbow.
"Point," she said. "But there's a few other things to consider there. For instance, Xander can walk around in daylight, he won't turn evil after sex, and he doesn't have a triple digit body count on his record!"
Willow nodded, a little shamefacedly, and took a seat in one of the lawn chairs.
"I don't need this," she muttered. "I really don't."
Buffy tried aiming the crossbow again.
"And when did he start walking downstairs in nothing but his boxers?"
"That was pretty much as soon as he moved in," Buffy said, lowering the bow again. "You didn't notice?"
"Well...well, our schedules, um...don't worry, I've talked to him about it." She paused. "He's doing it on purpose, I think. To entice me."
"To entice you?!"
"He's showing off his booty in an enticeful manner! Like, 'Check out what I got, big mama!'"
"Okay. I'm not talking to you anymore." Buffy aimed the crossbow again.
Willow watched as she aimed and let loose; the quarrel thudded into the bullseye, just left of center.
"He kissed me last night," Willow said.
"He what?!" Buffy asked, whirling on her.
"Kissed me," Willow said. "Well...actually, it was more like I kissed him."
Buffy stared at her.
"It was an accident?"
"An accident," Buffy repeated. "Like, you tripped? And fell into his lips?"
"And a little bit of his tongue."
"But he's enticing you. I see."
"I couldn't help it! He was...he was just...he told me and...you see?! Stuttering! Babbling!"
"Willow!"
"I know, I know," Willow moaned, burying her head in her hands. "It was just..." She looked up. "It was like something out of my dreams, Buffy. It was just like I always pictured it, when Xander would eventually figure it out and tell me that he loved me, and...Buffy, I don't know if I can do this again."
Buffy said nothing. A little embarassed, she started loading another quarrel into the crossbow.
"What now?" she finally asked.
"I don't know," Willow replied.
************
Her hair seemed to be glowing in the stark light of the Stable's dressing room as he crouched in front of her.
"I love you," he was just saying. "And you should know that."
She looked at him, her eyes full of unconditional love and desire.
"Say it again," she whispered.
"I love you," he replied, and took her in her arms. Desperate kisses passed between them. She began to struggle with his belt, finally undoing it, as he pulled her skirt down her legs--
POUND POUND POUND.
"Whuh!" he shouted, coming awake. He blinked and looked around; his room. His stuff. And not the dressing room at the Stable.
The door swung open, revealing Willow, her eyes not even remotely full of unconditional love and desire. She opened her mouth to speak and stopped, staring at him. He was naked under the covers of his bed, having gone back to sleep after his snack...sitting up as he was, she could see all the way down to his waist...
"Hey!" he shouted, pulling the covers up to his chest. "Can I help you?!"
"Sorry!" she cried, as if suddenly realizing what she was doing. She stepped hurriedly back into the hall, closing the door behind her. "Uh...could you get dressed?"
"Why?! Are we under attack?!"
"No, I just...could you just please put something on?"
Grumbling, Xander pulled himself out of bed and hurriedly pulled on jeans and a T-shirt.
"Okay, I'm decent," he yelled. "Though according to some of the ladies at the bar, I'm pretty decent the other way too..."
"I have a list," Willow said, stepping inside.
"Okay." Xander looked at the clock. "Jeez, is it three o'clock already?"
"I've been working on it for a while." She showed him a piece of notebook paper with several scratched-out entries, all in Willow's handwriting.
"And this is a list of..."
"Reasons the two of us can't pursue a relationship."
Xander rolled his eyes and sank onto the bed.
"Will...look, I told you last night--"
"Yes, I realize what you told me last night."
"So..." He gave her a look which said 'why are you wasting my time with this' as eloquently as possible.
"I spent a lot of time on this," Willow said stiffly.
"This is insulting."
"Xander, you can't drop a bomb like that on me and then tell me I don't have to deal with it, because I do have to deal with it." She looked at him purposefully. "It's what I do."
"Fine," Xander said, annoyed. "Go ahead."
"Okay," Willow said, raising the list and reading from it. "Point one: You and I are both in committed relationships."
"Well, you're in a committed relationship. Which I respect. I, on the other hand, have not heard from my girlfriend in almost two months, and not for lack of trying."
"So we're agreed on that one," Willow said. She pulled out a pen and made a check mark on the page.
"Please be kidding," Xander said.
"I need to keep track!"
"You need therapy."
"Point number two: The last time we tried to pursue a relationship, somebody ended up with a steel pole jutting through her abdomen."
Xander blinked.
"And the chances of that happening again are...what?"
Willow considered this. Then she scratched out the second entry.
"Point number three: You're not Jewish."
She looked at him, daring him to shoot that one down.
"What the hell does that have to do with anything?!" Xander asked. "You're, like, barely Jewish anyway!"
"I am not!"
"You're lapsed Jewish," Xander said incredulously.
"You can't be lapsed Jewish, you goon. You either are or you're not."
"You're a Wiccan, you haven't been to synagogue in months, and this never mattered to you before. Gimme that!" He grabbed the list away from her.
"Hey! Wait!" Willow cried. "I wasn't sure how many of those I was gonna--"
"Oh, man, you're reaching," Xander said with a smirk as he surveyed the list. "Music preferences? You actually listed that as a reason?"
"That can be a deal-breaker, Xander--"
"I mean, I gave Buffy better reasons than this. What about my complete lack of ambition? My alcoholic criminal family? The fact that I'm dumb as a stump?"
"You're not dumb as a stump!" Willow said. "And come on, if we're gonna go by family, you should be worried that I'm going to become a religion-obsessed, emotionally empty psychiatrist. And--"
"Anya?!"
"Hmm?" She craned her neck to look at the list. "Yeah. Well, don't you think it's possible that this is all a reaction to Anya leaving?"
"No!" Xander said indignantly. "For one thing, this has been going on since before I even knew her!"
"It has?" she asked wonderingly.
"And another thing...history?" Xander asked, pointing out another entry which was circled.
"History," Willow repeated, nodding. "We've got too much of it."
Xander pinched the bridge of his nose; it was an action he'd seen Giles perform when Buffy was in similar states of dementia. It seemed to help.
"Too much history," he said.
"Exactly."
"Like...what?"
"The fluke, for one."
"You know, I really hate that word," Xander said, standing back up.
"Well, that's what it was. And what happened last night--"
"Will, so help me God, you call that a fluke and I'm moving to Borneo."
She looked at him in confusion.
"I was going to say 'a mistake,'" she said. "Borneo?"
"It's far away."
"Xander, what we have is..." She struggled to find the words. "You're my favorite person in the world. And, and I think you'd be the best boyfriend anyone could have...but if our history shows us anything, it's that we don't work as l-lovers."
"Where do you get that from?!" Xander asked. "We kissed for a month! And when we were found out, we got spooked and went back to our significant others, and if you wanna talk mistakes, that was a mistake."
"For you, maybe," Willow said, her voice growing a little cold.
"Meaning what?"
"Meaning that you and me didn't begin and end with the fl--the kissing."
He felt suddenly heavy as he realized what she was referring to.
"The Faith thing."
"The 'I told you I love you and twenty minutes later you were in the sack with Faith' thing, yes," Willow replied.
"I can't believe you're still bringing this up!" Xander shouted.
"Xander, I told you I loved you!" Willow yelled back. "I said the words to you! I thought we were all going to die and I wanted you to know and I said the words! And you...do you have any idea how much that hurt me?!"
He looked away.
"Do you?!"
"Yes," he finally said.
"No! You don't!" she continued, building up a head of steam. "Because you don't know what it's like to want something for so long, and then see the person you wanted it with just throw it away, Xander! You don't!"
"Will...you know I didn't mean--"
"It doesn't matter if you didn't mean it!" "It does matter!" Xander shouted back. "And don't get on your high horse with me, either! How d'you think I felt when I heard about your little Christmas seduction?"
"My little...that's totally different!"
"Yeah, right. You don't think I would have given anything to be him that night? God, Will, when I heard about that..."
They were both quiet for a second, lost in a blizzard of memories.
"But it's just history," he continued. "Look...this is all academic anyway. I told you, it doesn't matter, you don't have to deal--"
"Of course I have to deal! God, Xander, you told me you love me. That means a lot to me."
He looked surprised.
"It does?"
"Of course it does, you big lunatic!"
"Then what are we arguing about?" Xander asked, even more confused. "Look, if the way I feel means that much to you--"
"There's other factors!"
"Like what?"
"Tara!"
"Besides Tara."
"No, not besides Tara!" Willow shouted. "That's a pretty big factor! A major lifestyle choice!"
"Oh, come on, you haven't made a lifestyle choice!" Xander replied. Then he thought. "You...haven't made a lifestyle choice, have you?"
"I might! You don't know! Maybe I'm not attracted to men anymore!"
"Oh, I could tell last night," Xander said, smirking.
"Take this seriously."
"I'm serious as a heart attack! I felt the way you touched me last night. That was not the touch of a woman who is not attracted to men."
"Maybe it's just you," Willow said with an uncharacteristic sneer. "After all, I couldn't see your face. Did it ever occur to you that maybe you just don't do it for me anymore?"
The glint in Xander's eye was cold and dangerous, and for a moment, she thought she'd gone too far. Then...he grabbed her.
There was no violence in his touch as he brought her close to her; anger, yes, urgency, certainly, but she still felt safe...somewhat safe, anyway. Before she could protest, his lips were on hers, pressing into her, the kiss fierce and hot and almost painful...she found her hands drifting down his back, gripping him down by the curve of his spine...
He broke the kiss and glared at her.
"Now I don't know about you," he said, "but my vision's gone blurry and I can barely stand up."
"Umg," Willow said.
"Sorry? Didn't catch that."
"All right, fine. You shot down that argument. But--"
"No, goddamnit!" Xander yelled. "Stop it!"
His outburst finally shocked Willow into silence.
"Why is so friggin' hard to believe that I might love you? Why? Why does it have to be a reaction to Anya leaving or you and Tara?"
"Because that's what it's always been before!" Willow shouted back. "You were only interested in me before when Oz showed up, you--"
"You don't know anything!"
"You went and fucked Faith right after I told you I loved you. I don't trust you! How am I supposed to believe anything you say?"
Xander stared at her.
"You don't trust me?" he asked.
"I...look, I didn't mean that..."
His face became incredibly dark as he glared at her.
"I gotta say, Will, considering your track record in trusting people--"
"Don't you dare," Willow growled.
"No, seriously!" Xander yelled. "Let's talk about the Great and Powerful Oz for a second, shall we? Because I am sick and tired of living in that little creep's shadow!"
"What?!" Willow yelled back. "He's not a little--"
"He fucked around on you!" Xander responded. "And you wanna know something else? He knew he was gonna fuck around on you. He spent all that time with Veruca--"
"Stop it!"
"He spent all that time with her because he knew, he fuckin' knew she wanted to get into his pants, and he was digging it! He..." His fury grew quiet as he spoke. "He had you and that wasn't good enough for him."
They were both quiet for a moment.
"He loved me," Willow said. "He waited for me. You didn't."
"Oh, for cryin' out...fine. Think what you want." Xander headed for the door.
"Where are you going?"
"Away!"
"Fine! Go! Why don't you go find Anya? I'm sure that'll be easier than staying here and actually dealing with this!"
"I told you we didn't have to deal with this!" Xander said. "You just decided to come in here and pick a fight!"
"I'm trying to talk about what's wrong between us!"
Xander rounded on her, his face an open wound of frustration.
"You wanna know what's wrong?! What's wrong is, you refuse to forgive me for not being Mr. Perfect Guy! Unlike Perfect Tara, who doesn't tell you anything about herself, or Perfect Oz, who..." He closed his eyes for a moment. "Let me tell you something. He hurt you and he knew he was gonna hurt you. I'm a screw up, no bones about it, but I would never do anything like that to you. So fuck him, and if that's what you think of me, then..."
He wanted to curse her, scream at her, tell her where to go...and he couldn't. Instead, he turned and walked out.
"Xander--"
He didn't respond. She heard a loud WHAM as he headed down the stairs. She ran out into the hallway; there was a fist-shaped dent in the hallway, just before the stairwell. The front door slammed; she opened it and saw Xander's car careening out into the street.
Her hands shook as she closed the door.
***********
The afternoon sun had been pleasant to walk in, and Tara felt radiant as she stepped into the house.
It faded quickly.
Willow, her eyes streaming with tears, was sitting on the couch, her knees drawn up to her chin. Buffy was sitting beside her, a hand gently rubbing her back.
"What happened?" Tara asked, immediately concerned.
"I'm a horrible, horrible person," Willow said in a voice half-drowned in tears.
"She and Xander had a fight."
"Oh," Tara said, rushing to Willow's side. She sat down and put her arms around Willow. "Willow, whatever you were fighting about, I'm sure it'll be all right..."
"No," Willow gasped. "It won't."
"Um...I should go, uh, patrol. Or something." Buffy stood up hurriedly and headed for the door, practically running outside.
"Willow?"
"I don't believe it," Willow murmured. "God...did you ever know someone who could hurt you without even trying?"
"Willow...what did he do?"
Willow looked at Tara through pink eyes.
"He fell in love with me," she finally said.
***********
The lights were all out as he pulled up to the house.
Good.
He was still trying to decide what he was going to do; he had enough cash now to get his own place. On the other hand, he could just pack a bag and hit the road...avoiding all routes through Oxnard, of course.
He idly wondered where Borneo was, and if you could drive there.
Silently, he opened the door and stepped inside. He hadn't taken more than three steps when a flame leapt to life not far from him.
Tara was sitting in one of the chairs. The flame was sitting in the palm of her hand; it drifted over to one of the myriad candles that sat on their coffeetable and lit it.
"Neat trick," Xander said, wondering if he should run.
"Thanks," Tara said. "I'd like to talk to you."
Xander sighed and sat down.
"What is it?" he asked.
"She didn't mean to hurt you," Tara said. "Her feelings for you are kind of confused."
"Tell me about it..." He trailed off. "You know."
"I know," Tara said simply.
Xander closed his eyes.
"All right. Turn me into a frog and get it over with."
"I'm not looking for r-revenge, Xander," Tara said with a sad smile. "I just want to understand."
"I don't understand it myself," Xander replied. "I...do you know about homecoming?"
"The fluke?"
"Please don't call it that."
"Fluke means 'a stroke of good fortune,'" she said.
"It does?" He considered that. "Wow. Way Freudian."
"She's my girlfriend, Xander."
"I know, I know," he said. "I'm sorry. You've gotta understand, I didn't intend her to know about this. Ever. She...a couple of years ago, she got hit in the head. Went into a coma. And...I was sitting by her bedside, praying for her to wake up, and...I was thinking about her, you know? All the things we've been through, all the stuff we did together, and...blam! Epiphany. Ever had one of those?"
Tara nodded, watching him carefully.
"It was like, 'Oh! Right! I love Willow! Of course! That shoulda been easy to figure out!'" He smacked himself gently on the forehead with the heel of his hand, grinning at the memory. "So I actually say it, right? I mean, out loud. And she starts to stir...and she calls out for Oz."
Tara winced.
"Know the feeling, huh?"
"Sort of," Tara admitted. "What is it with that guy and her anyway?"
"I don't know." He was quiet for a moment. "No...actually, yeah, I do. He's the first guy who ever pursued her. I mean, without intending to eat her once he caught her. And he was good to her...for a while. But anyway...she calls out for Oz. And Oz comes rushing in, and...another epiphany. 'She doesn't love you anymore, dumbass.' So I surfed the wave of denial."
"How long?"
"About six months...and then I just hit a point where I couldn't. We were trying on homecoming outfits together, and...she came out wearing this dress, and..." He couldn't help but smile. "I mean, I'd always known she was cute, but somehow I never noticed she was beautiful."
"And this was the fluke."
"This was the kiss. The kiss that launched about a month of guilt and lies and more and more kisses. God, that was a great month..."
Tara smirked and leaned back in her chair.
"She went back to him, of course," he continued. "Kinda cut me off halfway from her life. When the Faith thing happened, that was the other half. But...I've loved her ever since."
"And you've kept your mouth shut this whole time," Tara said coolly.
"Tara, I swear to you, I'm not trying to break you up. I just...I couldn't lie to her anymore." He sat back, tired. "I'm probably gonna move out."
"Why?"
"Because it's already starting. The tension mambo. Besides, apparently she hates me, so..."
"She doesn't hate you, Xander," Tara said. The words came out as a sigh.
"I'm hurting her. I'm hurting you, too, and I don't want to do that. I like you. And you've been good for her."
She looked away in a state of high shyness.
"Do you really love her?" she asked.
He took a long moment to answer.
"Every bit of her," he said. "Even when she's yelling at me." He looked at her. "Do you love her?"
"With all my heart" was her sincere reply.
"Great. Isn't it romantic," Xander muttered, laying back on the couch.
Tara stood, walked over to him, and crouched by him.
"Don't do anything rash," she said. "I'm sure everything will turn out all right."
"Wish I could believe that."
He was slightly surprised when she bent down and kissed him on the forehead. She smelled like herbs and oils.
"Good night, Xander."
He listened to the swish of her skirt as she mounted the stairs. He was just about to get up himself when the kitchen door opened.
"Hi," Willow said from the doorway.
Xander stayed silent. He didn't move.
"I, uh...pardon me. I was in there having some ice cream, and...I heard the two of you and...I need to tell you something."
"Okay," Xander said.
"When you...with Faith, I...you broke my heart, Xander," she said. "I mean, you'd hurt me before, but I could always shrug that off, because you didn't know how I felt...but that time...you did, Xander. You broke my heart."
Several guilt-tipped arrows thudded into his heart as he listened.
"That may be why I give Oz more chances than you...he's the one that put it back together. But then he broke it too...and then you were dating Anya, which I still don't understand, and...I thought you weren't you anymore."
"What does that mean?" he asked.
"I mean I thought you'd changed from Xander into just another guy," Willow said. "Another Percy. Another Parker. But you're not just another guy, no matter what you do. Not to me."
She walked over to him and knelt by him.
"I forgive you," she whispered.
He nodded, his eyes closed.
"Can you forgive me?"
He nodded again and put his arms around her. They held each other, taking comfort in the contact.
"I'm sorry," he whispered.
"So am I, Xander, I'm so sorry..."
"Will, I swear to God, if I could go back and do it again, when you...when you told me that, I'd just grab you and take you home with me."
"I wouldn't," Willow replied.
"You wouldn't?"
"Well, I would have helped Buffy beat up on that thing that was trying to escape the Hellmouth," she said, giggling. "Then I would have found you and brought you home."
"I love you," Xander said, kissing her cheek. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."
"I know," Willow said. She gently moved away from him. "I...I love Tara, Xander."
"Right," Xander replied.
"But..."
But I love you too.
She couldn't make herself say it. She couldn't dangle that kind of hope in front of him.
She couldn't dangle that hope in front of herself.
"I have to go to bed," she said.
"Okay," Xander said. "Like I said...no demands. No ultimatums."
"Thank you." She stood up. "Good night."
Xander closed his eyes as she walked to the stairs.
"Xander?"
"Yeah?"
"I...thank you for waking me up."
Her bare feet padded up the stairs. As she walked, Xander found a smile somewhere and put it on.
She loves me.
He could hear it in her voice.