|
The views expressed by the Gutter in no way represent the views of the Robo Wrestling Federation, its employees or any of its subsidiaries.
"You're watching the hottest interview show in the wrestling world, WELCOME TO THE PIT!!!"
"Becoming" by Pantera plays while the intro starts up and the opening logo flashes across the screen. This week the crowd is a little different, as there are some RWF fans in attendance, even a few holding signs. The barflies are still there, but they're sitting further away from the interview booth this time.
The shot goes to the interview table, where Gutter is sitting with cabbie and there are empty pitchers of beer covering the table. They both have full glasses and look pretty buzzed already.
Gutter: I know we said that we were gonna be here every week, but last week was a little rough as I went on a little bender. So from now on, we'll be here when I'm feeling up to it, or not busy hanging out with strippers. Sitting here with me today is my co-host if you will, my good friend Cabbie Klowaski. Cabbie, welcome to the pit!
Cabbie: Hey my-man, nice to be here.
The camera angle changes to overhead as Frank the bartender brings up a tray with 10 shots of Jagermeister, Gutter's preferred shot. He lines them up, 5 in front of each man. They both take back to back shots before Gutter continues.
Gutter: It's good to see you Cabbie. We've been friends for a long time, but I have to say it's different to see you on the "other side of the coin" so to speak, by making a turn for the good and joining the Blue Collar Mafia. I heard rumor that you were going to join bin Laden's group, what made you decide to smack that bitchface and join the other side?
Cabbie: Well it's simple my-man... Being a drinking man, you'll understand this. One of his men destroyed every single drop of alcohol I had stored in the Family Bar, and NOBODY fucks with my beer! This is good drink by the way...
Gutter: I know what you mean. Death to he who fucks with my liquor!!!
Gutter and Cabbie each cheer and take another shot as Frank lays down two more pitchers of beer.
Cabbie: The truth is that I only slightly considered joining bin Laden. He has so many HOT women! Wow!
Gutter: Yeah, they are some grade A pieces of ass. He's got some really good drugs too.
Gutter pulls a three foot bong out from under the table and takes a huge hit.
Cabbie: We're gonna have to change the subject. I got something popping up downstairs if you know what I mean.
They both go quiet as the crowd laughs. Gutter's mouth is still on the bong as Cabbie finishes his sentence. Gutter then exhales and both men chuckle along with the crowd.
Gutter: Changing subjects... Two weeks ago at Hangover, you beat Vanity ShowWood, proving that you are still a man in the World Title hunt.
Cabbie: That guy is enough to get any boner to go away.
Gutter: Yeah, tell me about it. I haven't had a boner since 1997 anyway. Kelly ruined sex for me. New question, how do you manage life after the Family Bar? I can remember all, okay, SOME of the good times I had there, but I can't even understand what it must be like for you.
Cabbie: Well I must say it's extremely hard to cope with. Ever since I came to Juno, I've spent my time either drinking there or unconscious on the floor. Then when I realized I had money, the first thing I did was buy the bar. Then I stocked up on alcohol and decided that I'd drink the beer to save the customers from having to. I loved that place and now it's gone thanks to one man. I must tell you this now, I haven't had my revenge for that yet but I will sometime. Nobody wastes beer and gets away with it.
Gutter: Not even my evil side could get along with bin Laden. Well... I mean I'll take free stuff from him I guess, but there's no way I'd join his cause.
Cabbie: I don't even think the shit from my ass, which has so much in common with bin Laden, could get along with him.
Gutter: That's harsh man, but I dig it. Come to think of it though, when we were in Pure Venom, we were just pretending to be evil. So I guess I was never really evil to begin with!
Cabbie: Oh man, the Pure Venom days, they were so great. Remember the time I dressed up as Frankenstein and got attacked by an old woman?
Gutter: Ummmm, hmmm, no. I was doing a lot of drugs back then you know.
Gutter pops a couple of purple, football-shaped pills and downs them some beer, then takes another bong hit.
Gutter: Ahhhh, but I've slowed down a lot since then. Let's take a break, and we'll be right back.
Cabbie picks up his last shot and holds it up for Gutter to toast as we fade to commercial.
When we come back from break, there are another 10 shots, this time Wild Turkey, and 4 pitchers of beer on the table. Gutter and Cabbie do a shot and then continue. Someone in the crowd shouts, "Whoo Cabbie!" Cabbie smirks as he waits for Gutter's next question.
Gutter: You and Terry Williams advanced last week in the Tag Title Tournament, how do you think you'll do against Blockbuster and Shay?
Cabbie: Well, I believe me and Terry make a good team. It's hard to tell how you're gonna do, but as long as my gut is full of beer, I'll work my ass off to win it. If I had to predict I'll be confident and say we'll walk away victorious.
Gutter: You know if you beat them, then you have to face your stablemates, Zeke and Patient. You have to be scared for your colon in that match. I hear Patient's got an itchy trigger finger for "The Colonectomy." Ugh, did I just say that?
Cabbie: Oh yeah, I never really thought about that! That should be a great match! Yeah man! You said it! I think I'm gonna puke too! I think I'll try and get on his good side before that match that's for sure! I do not want that treatment! Man I'm all uncomfortable now I need a beer!
Cabbie takes a shot and gulps down an entire mug of beer. Gutter takes a bong hit as both men try to eradicate the thought of Patient's gigantic finger up their asses. They then take another two of the shots of whiskey and chase with another beer. (Any normal human being would be fucked at this point.
Cabbie: hey that's cool! Let me try that!
Gutter lifts up the bong and points to it.
Gutter: This thing?
Cabbie: YEAH!
Gutter passes the bong to Cabbie and lights the bowl for him. Cabbie takes a huge draw and coughs, spluttering so hard that he's holding his throat. His face is red and his eyes look like a Texas road map. Cabbie takes gulps from the pitcher of beer.
Gutter: Let's get to the really serious question here, and that question is, WHO can drink the most alcohol in the RWF? Since I'm not wrestling anymore, obviously my name is no longer in contention for that title.
Gutter flashes a cheesy smile at the camera before downing a mug of beer and refilling.
Cabbie: Well... I gotta say Kave seems to think it's him. Obviously I'd say myself because I know what I can handle. Besides it's like you passed down the drinking and wrestling torch to me.
Gutter: Well if anyone in the locker room were fit to be my heir, it would be you. Breweries should give us awards every year.
Cabbie: grinning Yeah I agree with that! If it wasn't for us they wouldn't have a profit! About who can drink the most... I'd also say Kave is a bit arrogant, and he's an ass, but hey he's my stable mate so I gotta put up with it and try to get along with him.
Gutter: Everyone knows there's strength in numbers, so I can see your point. What's your favorite alcohol?
Cabbie: Jesus! That's a tough one! Well... shit... erm... hmm... I think it's beer but I'd drink anything that's going really. You know how it is! If it's alocohol, drink it!
Gutter: Truly, those are words of wisdom... Whatever happened to your brother?
Cabbie: OH man! That piece of shit... That guy came in tried to do everything I do. Lost an alcohol match, which must have made him realise that he sucks. Then he seemed to just disappear without even saying goodbye to me. He's probably back in England, washing cars.
Gutter: Is that what he did before he came here?
Cabbie: Nah he sent in a job application and got rejected, but his slight fame may have helped him climb up that extra step. Cabbie sniggers.
Gutter: Not a lot of people know about your past. What made you join the RWF?
Cabbie: Oh Man... I tried to forget about this. It was actually a punishment. A guy got knocked over back in England, and the tires on the vehicle matched those of my coach. Then they saw how much I liked my alcohol and assumed it was me. They then for some reason sent me to RWF as a punishment, and I've loved RWF ever since. I can tell you right now that I didn't do it though man.
Gutter: And the RWF has loved you back. Your title history reads like a Denny's menu. Everything you could possibly want is there. King of the Forest IX & X Champion, 4 Time R.W.F. World Champion, 3 Time R.W.F. Intercontinental Champion, 1 Time R.W.F. Stipulation Champion, 3 Time R.W.F. Hardcore Champion, 1 Time R.W.F. Traditional Champion, 1 Time R.W.F. European Champion(Canada), 3 Time R.W.F. Tag Team Champion(1 w/Jubei, 1 w/Predator - Canada, 1 w/G.A.P. III).... Whew, let me catch my breath. bong hit And I believe you.
Cabbie: Yeah the title history makes me extremely proud! Even two King of the Forest victories and a tag title reign with the now President himself! I'm aiming for more title reigns this season though. Hopefully another World title reign would be great.
Gutter: It's definitely something to be proud of. I never even won the World Title.
Cabbie: I must say that is a surprise because you were great.
Gutter: I had a few shots thrown my way, I just never made anything of them. Partying is just too important sometimes. It looks like you're on your way to becoming a 4 time tag champion, so maybe that will score some points and you'll get your shot again.
Cabbie: Well that would be excellent... It's all up to working my ass off though, and hoping that Terry will do his part too.
Gutter: You know, I beat the Prez once.
Cabbie: Well beating Gordon A. Powell III is a great achievement.
Gutter: Yeah, I got him stoned to the bejeezus and pinned him in less than a minute. Hehe.
Cabbie: laughing Great plan my-man!
Gutter: He was an evil little bastard back then. He's done a lot of growing up though.
Cabbie: I've had some bad times with Gordon but also some good. I mean, just look back to the Firetruck Ladder match, Cabbie v X He goes and hits a 450 splash on me through a few flaming tables. Not that I knew anything about it until I watched the replay later.
Gutter: I've seen the footage, crazy stuff.
Cabbie: Yeah, my greatest match yet. Who knows...maybe I'll better it this season
Gutter: Well you still have a season left in you.
Cabbiei: That's true, and I aim to make it a great one too, although it hasn't started off too great.
Gutter: Hey, we still have shots left!
Gutter and Cabbie polish off the rest of the shots and fill up their mugs with beer.
Gutter: What are your retirement plans? Not everygone gets lucky like I do and lands an interviewer position.
Cabbie: Well... I was gonna continue to run the Family Bar but that may be a destroyed plan. Maybe I'll come here and just sit and drink beer all day. It sounds like heaven.
Gutter: If heaven has pickled pigs feet and fights every day, then this is the place. Cabbie, it's been great having you on the show tonight, but our time is up.
Cabbie: It's been great talking to you again. Make sure you continue to love alcohol!
Gutter: Oh you don't have to worry about that. Cabbie and I are gonna seriously tie one on now people, see you next time on THE PIT!!!
"Becoming" takes us out as we fade to black.