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The views expressed by the Gutter in no way represent the views of the Robo Wrestling Federation, its employees or any of its subsidiaries.
"You're watching the hottest interview show in the wrestling world, WELCOME TO THE PIT!!!"
"Becoming" by Pantera plays while the intro starts up and the opening logo flashes across the screen. The camera pans around the Keystone Lounge, showing a few bums here and there. The biggest part of the crowd is a group of Hell's Angels bikers sitting around a table stacked high with empty pitchers. We then focus on the Gutter who is sitting at a booth in the back. He looks completely ripped as he addresses the camera with bloodshot eyes and a huge smile.
"RWF fans, welcome to the first edition of the pit. I am your host, the Gutter." A round of cheering and applause comes from the bikers. "Remember, this is a live show and guests are very welcome. Just come out to the Keystone Lounge on Monday night and you can watch me interview the best the RWF has to offer! For our first show I have two special guests, and let's kick if off right now with guest number one. Give a warm welcome to rookie, John Stamos!"
John walks through the front door smiling big even though you can tell he's totally uncomfortable with his surroundings. A few of the bikers cheer for him, one of them yelling out, "Uncle Jesse!!!" John just laughs it off as he takes a seat in the booth opposite the Gutter. One of the bums yells out, "Hey, that's the guy from Cabaret!" prompting Frank the bartender to grab the bum by the collar and throw him out of the bar.
Gutter: "Who knew bikers watched sitcoms? John Stamos, welcome to the Keystone Lounge, WELCOME TO THE PIT!"
Gutter extends his hand and John accepts it as a friendly greeting.
John Stamos: "The pleasure's all mine Gutter. Nice place, (rolling eyes) I like the location."
Gutter doesn't even notice.
Gutter: "We all know your biggest claim to fame is as Uncle Jesse in the long-running TV show Full House. After that show ended, you had a long string of TV movies that basically flopped. So now you're here in the RWF. Can you tell me what brought you to wrestle in Juno?"
John Stamos: "Well after competing in another wrestling organization and finding success there, I figured why not join another organization and prove myself a second time?"
Gutter: "I have to admit it's a shocker to see a guy like you mixing it up in a wrestling ring. Most actors don't even have enough balls to step into one, let alone actually compete. You seem like a pretty tough guy though."
John Stamos: "Thanks."
Gutter: "You want a drink?"
John Stamos: "Oh yes, Amaretto Sour please..."
Gutter: (rolling his eyes) "Ugh, okay. HEY FRANK, AMARETTO SOUR OVER HERE!"
There's an uproar of laughter from the biker's table as Gutter makes that order.
Gutter: "AND A WILD TURKEY FOR ME, MAKE IT A DOUBLE!"
John Stamos: "What are they laughing at?"
Gutter: "Oh nothing..."
John smiles.
Gutter: "So tell me John, what do you hope to accomplish in the RWF?"
John Stamos: "I hope to accomplish what everyone else wants to, and that's to be number one."
Gutter: "That's a good goal to have. Fuck knows I never reached number one. But I did have a stint as the Intercontinental Champion once." (stares into space for a few seconds) "Whoa! Sorry, had a flashback there. Can we expect to see a manager or valet by your side any time soon?" (wink wink)
John Stamos: "Maybe, maybe not. Remember, I built my success on my own."
Gutter: (sarcastically) "Yeah, Never Too Young To Die was a great one. I bet if you brought that sexy wife of yours to the ring with you, your popularity would soar. Whew, what I wouldn't give to...
John Stamos: "Hey hey, watch it now!"
Gutter: "I'm just messing with ya Johnny boy."
John smiles desperately.
Gutter: "Your first match was at Hangover against the Unknown Jobber when Jimmy Hitler no showed the event. Now everyone and their mother has beaten UJ. I want to know how you think you'll fare against some real competition this Saturday at Hangover. You're booked in a Triple Threat match for the Number One Contendership to the Hardcore Title."
John Stamos: "Hardcore, you're talking my language now."
Frank finally shows up with the drinks and sets them down on the table. John says, "Thank you," then picks up the cherry and eats it.
John Stamos: "Hardcore Champion... Man wouldn't that be something? See I was Hardcore Champion in another fed for quite some time! In fact, I held every other title except the World Title."
Gutter: "Hey, let's not talk about that other fed you were in. That's where wrestlers go to die. You just made a step up coming to the RWF."
John Stamos: "Well Gutter, you really can't say that."
Gutter: "It's my show... I'LL SAY WHAT I WANT!!!"
The bikers cheer Gutter on.
John Stamos: "The other brand helped forge me into the wrestler I am today, relax man..."
Gutter: "I'm relaxed... Really."
Gutter leans off camera and snorts something.
Gutter: "You want some?"
John Stamos: (gives Gutter a snobby look) "No thank you. I DON'T do drugs."
Gutter: "Whatever floats your boat Johnny. I can tell by the clock that our time is up here. Good luck at Hangover, and I'm sure you have a bright future here in the RWF."
John Stamos: "I hope so. And Gutter, man, you really shouldn't do that."
Gutter: "Okay dad... Have a good one."
John gets up from the table, leaving his drink untouched except for the missing cherry.
Gutter: "We'll be back after we pay some bills."
Gutter: "Our next guest is the current RWF World Champion and Season 11 King of the Forest. Two of you love him, the rest of you hate him, Johnny bin Laden!"
There's a wide shot of the bar as a bunch of Arabic men dressed in black jackets and cargo pants enter, commando style, and secure the perimeter. A few of the bikers stand up and are ready for a fight, but the Arabic men just make sure it's safe for the entrance of Johnny bin Laden. Johnny is dressed in flowing princely clothing and is wearing his World Title around his waist with pride. He ignores the patrons as he walks over to the booth and takes a seat.
bin Laden: "Greetings Gutter. There are already explosives surrounding the building and RPG 7s pointed at this filth haven in case I do not leave here alive."
Gutter: "Well this WAS a friendly place until you arrived. Let's just get down to business swarmi. How does it feel to be the first rookie to win the King Of The Forest?"
bin Laden: "Allah's blessings have only begun to rain down upon me. I am most humbled and offer my prayers to him on high for my victories over the infidels."
Gutter: "Look, seriously... How long do you think you can hold on to that belt with all the people that are gunning for you? Word is that everyone in the locker room wants a shot at you, and not particularly for the title."
bin Laden: "The dissention within the ranks of the RWF will only assure my victory, because not only are they gunning for me, but they want to be the FIRST to defeat me. I've observed the pathetic nature of the locker room here. I and my partners are unified, unlike the rest of the RWF. With Allah as our guide, we can only prosper."
Gutter: "Speaking of partners, you have recently allied yourself with Vanity ShowWood. Not only is he an American, which you seem to hate, but he's also a pussy. What made you come to the decision to join forces with him?"
bin Laden: "He is what we call, in American pig terms, a "decoy." He draws so much heat that people tend to lose their focus on me. Also, he is the craftiest of all allies I could have. I'd swear he was already knowledgable in the area of Al-Queda as we speak. How could you not want him in your corner? Allah has always said to keep friends close and enemies closer."
Gutter: "Let's get down to brass tax, how much for a night with one of your hot wives?"
bin Laden: "My question to you, Mr. Gutter, is how did the Scots miss this bar?"
Gutter: "What does scotch have to do with this?" (BURP!)
bin Laden: "You cannot afford one of my wives. Speak with the infidel Zeke, who has accosted my lovely Jasmine."
Gutter: "I watched Hangover. Seems to me that she wasn't exactly taken against her will."
bin Laden: "She was only confused, brainwashed by the constant input of American debauchery. She will return to me. Then we will stone her."
Gutter: "I'd be glad to stone her for you. If you find her, just send her my way."
bin Laden: "You might not be so bad after all. Are you a master of stoning in these parts?"
Gutter: "Everyone knows if they need a good stoning, they just come to the Gutter. Besides, I hear they grow some killer shit where you come from."
bin Laden: "Excellent, I might have need of you. Do you have any way of finding people who might have interest in this material?"
Johnny pulls out a large bag of white powder and taps a corner open, revealing 100% uncut heroin.
Gutter: "I have an ex-wife that would cut your balls off for that stuff. OH WAIT! You already met her!"
bin Laden grows red with anger, but then it subsides, realizing that Gutter may be his one chance to get his heroin operation in effect.
bin Laden: "I need a way to finance my operations and your help could prove very profitable to both of us."
Gutter: "Put that shit away. I don't deal in anything that hard anymore."
bin Laden: "Very well, perhaps someone in here will know."
Gutter: "I don't think you're gonna find anyone around here willing to deal with you. One last question, then you need to get the hell out of my bar."
bin Laden: "Very well."
Gutter: "I see you've been given the week off. Any major plans, like oh say, leaving town?"
bin Laden: "I've always had back-up plans should the president try to 'soften' me. As far as 'major' plans go...you will know when they happen. Trust me."
Gutter: "Well thanks for having the guts to come on here."
bin Laden: "Good day to you, Mr. Gutter. Here is a gift."
Johnny leaves a small baggy of heroin on the table and some fine Arabian hashish.
Gutter: (grabbing the baggies and stuffing them into his jacket) "You can't trick me with your fake hospitality. Now get out of here."
Johnny's men swarm the perimeter as he walks out of the building. The bikers yell insults and cheer as he leaves.
Gutter: Thank you all for watching. And remember, we're here LIVE every week. Come on down, tie one on and be a part of the PIT!!! See you then...