We carry a harpoon
There aren’t any whales
So we tell tall tales
We’re sailors on the moon!
*
Hercules: (Hercules) ..You know what they say.
Widow Twanky: Never trust a dentist with hairy knuckles?
*
Willow: (Buffy) It's kinda binding...I guess vampires don't need to breathe. Gosh, (looks down) look at those. ( Talking about a shirt, and...her...umm.. )
*
Scully: (X-Files) ...I thought your creed was trust no one. Mulder: Oh I changed it. It’s trust everyone, now. Didn’t I tell you?
*
Ralph: (Simpsons) Ms. Krabopal and Principal Skinner were in the closet and they were making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
*
Donna: (That 70’s Show) Yo, Jackie. When did you lose your soul?
Jackie: Umm.. cheerleading camp.
*
Michael Lang: (Organizer of Woodstock) I don’t think this defines a generation, I think it defines a small group of morons who were determined to screw this up. (Talking about the fires at Woodstock ‘99)
*
Mulder: (X-Files) Five years together, Scully, you had to see it coming. (Talking about himself being in a Mental Hospital)
*
Spike: (Buffy) I may be love's bitch but at least I'm man enough to admit it.
*
The Dictator: (Animaniacs) No! No! No! This is the uniform of a great man!
Yakko: Does he know you’re wearing it?
*
Willow: (Buffy) I eat danger for breakfast.
Xander: But oddly enough, she panicks in the face of breakfast.
*
Mr. Nut: (X-Files) You’d be surprised to find that not all women are attracted to overly tall, lanky men such as your self. It happens to be that some women find men of my stature intriguingly alluring.
Mulder: And some men to.
*
Dr. Block Head: (X-Files) If people knew the true price of spirtitulaity, there’d be more atheists.
*
Stevie: (Family Guy) When I’m done with you, you will rue the day! (Pauses) Well, start ruing!!!
*
Reverend: (Thanks) If you don’t open this door I’ll have your whole family burned alive!
Pilgrim Guy: Reverend?
Reverend: ...Yes, my son?
*
Spike: (Buffy) Oh... My head. I think I'm sobering up. It's horrible. Oh, God. I wish I was dead.
*
Sir Bedivere: (Monty Python and The Holy Grail) ... Then Sir Lancelot, Sir Galahad, and myself will wait till night fall to jump out of the rabbit and take them by surprise! Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
*
Crocodile Hunter: (Croc Files) Oh, he’s keen. Keen as mustard!
*
Bender: (Futerama) You know, Fry. Of all the friends I’ve had, you’re the first.
*
Hyde: (That 70’s Show) She wants to be with you, you want to be with her. So go be together, ‘cause the whole thing sickens me!
*
Billy: (Ally McBeal) Tell Georgia what?
Ally: That her head’s about to explode and the Pope’s stalking me!
*
Jessie: (AOL I.M. Info) I am the stupendous JUNE BUG! defender of ants, individuality, and loud obnoxious public singing. I have magic shoe laces that help me fly and a hat that ensures I don't use my brain (thinking cap). I will do a striptease for my 18th birthday. So long and thanx for all the fish.
*
Buffy: (Buffy) ...What’s that?
Willow: A doodle. I doodle. You too. You do doodle too.
*
Lisa: (Simpsons) There’s a weird smell and loud cursing coming from the basement. And dad’s upstairs.
*
Fry: (Futerama) Bender, why don’t you pull the cover off that steam pipe? (Bender does it) No good! It’s full of steam!!
*
Grandpa: (Simpsons) Ahh.. Homer. This world was never ment for one as beautiful as-
Homer: *gurgle, ahhckkkkk*
Grandpa: AHH! Kill it! Kill it! (Picks up a chair)
Marge: Grandpa! He’s not dead, he’s just in a coma.
Grandpa: Ah thats nothing. I go in and out of co.....(nods off).....(Wakes up)..... French toast, please.
*
Dennis Finch: (Just Shoot Me) Jack! I’m going out!
Jack: O.K. but remember to stay away from that Nicky.
Finch: I’m going to a party with her.
Jack: O.K. Have fun!
*
Bart: (Simpsons) Those snakes’ll be in here like Oprah on a Thanksgiving ham.
*
Homer: (Simpsons) Or what? You’ll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths? And when they bark they shoot bees at you?
*
Bree Sharp: David Duchovny (CD: Cheap and Evil Girl)
It’s Sunday night, I am curled up in my room
The T.V. fills my heart like a balloon
I hold it in best I can
I know I’m just another fan
But I can’t help feeling I could love this secret agent man
And I can’t...
Wait anymore for him to discover me
I got it bad for David Duchovny
David Duchovny why won’t you love me?
Why won’t you love me?
My friends all tell me,
‘Girl you know it’s just a show’
But deep within his eyes
I see me wrapped up like a bow
Watching the sky for a sign
The FBI is on my mind
I’m waiting for the day
When my lucky stars align
In the form of...
David Duchovny floating above me
In the alien light of the spaceship of love, I need
David Duchovny hovering above me
American Heathcliff, brooding and comely
David Duchovny, why won’t you love me?
Why won’t you love me?
Why won’t you love me?
So smooth and so smart
He’s abducted my heart
And I’m falling apart
From the looks I receive
From the those eyes I can’t leave
And you say I’m naive
But he told me to believe
My bags are packed, I am ready for my flight
Want to put an end to my daydream days and sleepless nights
Sitting like a mindless clone
Wishing he would tap my phone
Just to hear the breath of the man, the myth, the monotone
And I would say...
David Duchovny, why won’t you love me?
Why won’t you love me? Why won’t you love me?
David Duchovny, why won’t you love me?
Why won’t you love me? Why won’t you love me?
David Duchovny I want you to love me
To kiss and to hug me, debrief and debug me
David Duchovny I know you could love me
I’m sweet and I’m cuddly-I’m gonna kill Scully!
David Duchovny, why won’t you love me?
Why won’t you love me? Why won’t you love me?
I’ll be waiting...
In Nevada...
*
Brain: (Pinky and the Brain) Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Pinky?
Pinky: I think so Brain, but what if David Haslehoff won't hold still?
*
Balthazar: (Buffy) Hmmm... A trade. Intriguing. No. Wait. Boring. Pull of his knee-caps!!
*
Marge: (Simpsons) ...Some day you’ll thank me, because when you’re all grown and old you’ll have to take care of yourself.
Homer: Maaaarrrrge, there’s a spider by my car keys!
Marge: You did good telling me, Homer.
*
Ned Flanders: (Simpsons) I used to let the boys watch ‘My Three Sons’ But it got them all worked up before bedtime.
*
Emma: (Emma) Where could have Mr. Elton possibly have found her? Doing charity work in a mental hospital?
*
Scully: (X-files) Why would he cause a car crash while he was in the car?
Mulder: Maybe he reeeeaally didn’t want to go to jail.
*
Bender: (The Breakfast Club) Well, I don’t know any lepers either. But I’m not about to go out and join one of their fucking clubs.
*
?????: (Mumford) I may be young, but Doc can tell you that I’m very immature.
*
Mr. Whalen: (Talking about the ancient Greeks in History) And maybe they thought, ‘Hey! Maybe tidal waves aren’t caused by Neptune passing gas!’
*
Matt Shmechel: (In History Class) Yeah, but being bored and having nothing to do is better than being bored and having lots to do.
*
Mayor Wilkins: (Buffy) I’ve got two words that’ll make all the pain go away. (Pauses) Miniature. Golf.
*
Felicity: (Felicity) I can’t be having this conversation. I am the devil.
*
Homer: (Simpsons) Have you heard of ‘Let he who is without sin cast the first stone’? (A rock hits him)
Todd: Got ‘im, dad!
*
Room mate guy: (Friends) This is sorta outta the blue, isn’t it?
Chandler: No! It’s not! It’s smack dab in the middle of the blue!
*
Teacher: (Animaniacs) Wake up! (In math class)
Yakko: Fourteen!
Wakko: Ninety two!
Dot: Columbus sailed the ocean blue?
*
Sally: (Third Rock From the Sun) This is a test.
Tommy: What?
Harry: For the next sixty seconds she’s going to emit a high pitched squealing noise.
*
Harry: (Third Rock from the Sun) If Dick were here, we’d know where he was.
*
Harry: (Third Rock From the Sun) By the second day I was hearing my inner voice.
Sally: What was it saying?
Harry: I have no idea. I don’t speak French.
*
(A fear of Love, A fear of Battle/Fanfic by Bryan(?) )
MIKE: I didn't realize she had a choice.
CROW: I guess Buffy's got a multilingual butt.
*
Red: (That 70’s Show) Yeah, and if a frog had wings, it wouldn’t hit it’s butt when it hops.
*
Mick: (Idle Hands) And there was all this light and these chicks, ya know, singin stuff. And then we saw a tunnel, and we went, fuck it. It was really far. (Talking about why they were zombies)
*
TV: (Channel *4* Fox) If you change the station, you’re underwear will shrink three sizes.
*
TV: (Channel *4* Fox, When Good Times Go Bad 4) ...And a man tragically loses his arm during a tug-of-war game. (Seriously!)
*
Dick: (Third Rock From the Sun) ‘May these always point me towards the spoils of war.’ It’s Turkish nipple armor... It’s very valuable.
Mary Albright: Espessily when you have a pair.
*
Dick: (Third Rock From the Sun) I happen to know that every word in this book was published years ago! Perhaps You’ve read... the Dictionary?!!
*
Buffy: (Buffy) It’s like I’m gonna grow these parts, like horns, or scales, or claws....what? (Willow’s looking at her really weird)
Willow: Was it a boy demon?
*
Xander: (Buffy) For a minute there I thought you were going to make an expression.
Oz: I felt one coming on, I won’t lie.
*
Oz: (Buffy) ...Dingos Ate My Baby played as if they had plump polish sausages taped to their fingers.
Fank: Sorry, man.
Oz: No. It’s fair.
*
Pete: (Two Guys, A Girl And A Pizza Place) I’m not looking at you. I’m looking at the chair. It’s gone insane.
*
Drew: (Drew Carry Show) Oh. Mimi. I thought I felt Death nearby.
*
Mimi: (Drew Carry Show) Don’t be surprised if you find a dead hooker in your bed.
Drew: You’re not sleeping over, Mimi.
*
Cordelia: (Buffy) I demand an explanation.
Giles: For what?
Cordelia: For Wesley!
Xander: Ahh... inbreeding?
*
TV: (Channel *4* Fox) If you change the channel, everything in your refrigerator will change into cheese.
*
Phoebe: (Friends) Something just brushed up against my right leg!!
Rachel: What?!!
Phoebe: Oh. It’s o.k. It was just my left leg.
*
Cheese Commercial:
25 years ago man landed on the moon.
We haven’t been back since.......Behold the power of cheese.
*
Hot 107: (Radio Station) It may not be your favorite song....But it’s got a lot of the same notes.
*
Quinlinn:(Micheal) ..People will see your-your...We have to hide your..
Michael: My what?
Quinlinn: Your wings Michael. Your wings.
Michael: Why? Are you afraid that people will think less of you? (Slightly misquoted.)
*
Willow: (Buffy) Happy hunting!
Buffy: Wish me monsters.
*
Oz: (Buffy) On the plus side you killed the bench, which was looking shifty.
*
Willow: (Buffy) ....More like homicidal maniac crazy. So I sent her to see you, kay? (On phone)
*
Kathy: (Buffy) I thought maybe we had a thief.
Buffy: Like who? Sid the wily dairy gnome?
*
Marge: (Simpsons) I’m sure these things didn’t destroy themselves!
Homer: Did they?!!
*
Dolly Parton: (Steel Magnolias) He’s so confused, he doesn’t know whether to scratch his watch or wind his butt.
*
Clarey: (Steel Magnolias) Very good Anell. Spoken like a true smart-ass.
*
Shelbyville Guy: (Simpsons) You must be stupider than you look!
Homer: Stupider like a fox!
*
Chandler: (Friends) I thought we’d have a talk. Man to..well, me.
*
Joey: (Friends) Tails is clowns, and ducks is heads ‘cause ducks have heads!
Chandler: What kinda scary-ass clowns came to your party?
*
Oz: (Buffy) I don’t know, but maybe after all the horrific things we’ve seen, hippos wearing tutus don’t unnerve me the way they used to.
*
Xander: (Buffy) Thats the funny thing about me. I tend to hear the words people say and accept them at face value.
Anya: Thats stupid.
Xander: I accept that.
*
Xander: (Buffy) Who’s the little fear demon? Come on, who’s the little fear demon?!-
Giles: Xander. Don’t taunt the demon.
Xander: Why not? Will it hurt me?
Giles: No. It’s just tacky.
(The demon is about four inches tall.)
*
Doyle: (Angel) I always ment to do that. Except for the fact the fact that I intensely don’t want too. So I never got around to it.
*
Anya: (Buffy) Are you listening? Xanders trapped!
Giles: Where are Buffy and the others?
Anya: Oh, they’re trapped too, but we gotta save Xander!
*
Xander: (Buffy) If we close our eyes and say it’s a dream...it’ll stab us to death!
*
Xander: (Buffy) Big overture, little show. (Little demon Gaknor: about four inches of fear)
*
Gaknor: (Buffy) ...fear me! Bound down before me! Fear me!!
Willow: Oh it’s so cute!
*
Mr. Whalen : (History Class) Thats the Brave Heart way of fighting. The Greeks would’ve danced on their Scottish faces.
*
Monica: (Friends) P.S. enclosed you will find fourteen of my eyelashes.
Rachel: You know, in crazy world that means you’re married.
*
Amanda: (Lonesome Dove) Check your wifes butt, George. It’s covered in boils.
*
Skinner: (Simpsons) Ha. Ha, children. I couldn’t help but monitor your conversation.
*
*
Celia: (Drew Carry Show) Drew, what makes that woman so angry?
Drew: Deep down inside her’s a scared little girl. I think it’s givin’ her indigestion.
*
Phoebe: (Friends) We have got to get you lazy-boys out of these chairs.
*
Willow: (Buffy)...Make love-
Xander: Wait! Hot monkey love, or tender Sarah McLachlin love?
*
Angel: (Angel) You know Anthony, you can be a ‘rainbow’, not and ‘painbow’. (Remember, Angel is a big-bad Vamp)
*
Harry: (Third Rock From the Sun) ...and nothing can stop me...unless I get distracted by something shiny.
*
Willow: (Buffy) Xander!
Giles: You look like Death.
Willow: Are you O.K.?
Buffy: You didn’t bring rolls?
*
Lisa Ehret: (Her saying)
Sex is evil.
Evil is sin.
Sin is forgiven.
So sex is in!
*
Spike: (Buffy) A bear! You made a bear!
Buffy: I didn’t mean to.
Spike: Undo it! Undo it!
*
Judy: (Discussing something, looks at me) Cragey Mongolian Monkeys. (In a very serious voice)
*
Words we have woken up with in our heads:
Me: A quivering mass of insane potatoes.
Judy: Abestoes.
Judy: Jonas Macabee.
Jessie: Walt Whitman
*
Me: I wanna be happy crazy. You know, leave the stove on and go smell the flowers, kinda crazy. Like Drusilla!
*
Cordelia: (Buffy) You have so much to learn, little Irish man.
*
Angel: (Angel) The gateway to the lost souls is under the Post Office?
Doyle: Makes sense if you think about it.
*
Anya: (Buffy) Your pasty and wet and disgusting. They can dig without you.
*
Willow: (Buffy) Or maybe an ear harvesting demon. Maybe it’s building another demon...completely out of ears.
*
Giles: (Buffy) And this is in no way an elaborate plan to stick me with the clean up?
Buffy: So how about that ceromonial knife, huh?
*
Buffy: (Buffy) I’m a great cook. In theory. I’ve eaten alot.
*
Buffy: (Buffy) I like my men like I like my evil. Bad. All black-hat-tie-you-to-the-tracks-soon-my-electrode-ray-is-going-to-destroy-Metropolus kinda evil.
*
Giles: (Buffy) I like mushy peas.
Buffy: Your the reason we had to have Pilgrims.
*
Xander: (Buffy) Can we come rocketing back to me and my new syphilis?
Anya: It’ll make you blind and insane. But it won’t kill you...the small-pox will.
*
Spike: (Buffy) I’m saying Spike had a little trip to the vet and now he isn’t chasing the other puppies any more.
*
Spike: (Buffy) Bloody hell, woman. You’re cutting off my circulation!
Buffy: You don’t have a circulation.
Spike: Well, it pinches.
*
Spike: (Buffy) Thats what Caesar did. You don’t see him coming around saying, ’I came, I saw, I concurred, and I feel really bad about it.’
*
Angel: (Buffy) I’m not evil. Why does everyone think I’m evil?
Willow: He’s here to help Buffy.
Angel: Why does everyone think I’m evil? I haven’t been evil in a long time.
*
Buffy: (Buffy) Thats to many.
Giles: We need help.
(Big classical music is playing...and here comes Xander, Willow and Anya on bikes, riding through the parks.)
*
Xander: (Buffy) I think my syphilis is clearing right up. (Puts arm around Anya)
Buffy: And they say romance is dead...Or maybe they just wish it.
*
Un-Bob: (Lonesome Dove) ...And my Grandpa said she was only good for one thing....You know? Cookin’ beans?
*
Mulder: (X-Files) Put on something black and sexy and prepare to do some funky poaching. (To the LoneGunmen)
*
Homer: (Simpsons) Well, I was sure you’d be on foot because you say public transportation is for losers, and I’d be sure you be heading west because Springfield slopes that way, and I knew you’d be here because you’re attracted to blinking lights.
Homer: Like the one on the walffle iron.
*
Guy on T.V.: Come on!! Gandhi would have beat that guy to death with a cow!
*
Monica: (Friends) Can you taste this? I think my milks gone bad.
Chandler: Yeah, I once had a carton of half-and-half. Stole my car.
*
Mr. Bell: (Drew Carry Show) The spin is rooming.
*
Kate: (Drew Carry Show) As big as my foot is, I might lose it where I’m about to stick it.
*
Xander: (Buffy) I don’t know you do I?
Kathy: No.
Xander: This is very intrusive isn’t it?
Kathy: Little bit.
(Hugging Buffy’s roommate, whom he’s never met)
*
Angel saw her face was scraped.
CROW: Clean off, and frankly, it creeped him out. *
Me: (Talking to Judy) We’re not smart. We just know lotsa stuff.
*
Me: (Trying to explain where something took place) It’s over in Finway or something...One of those upper European countries.
*
Mary: (Third Rock From The Sun) Do you know where your guide pole is?
Tommy: Yeah, he’s over there. Trying to suck the venom out of his pine-cone bite.
*
Homer: (Simpsons) Is this episode going on live?
Lady Who Does Itchy/Srachey: No, Homer. Very few cartoons go on live. It’s a terrible strain on the cartoonists wrists.
*
Jamie Thulberry: (In Biology) ...I promise, I won’t break anything.
Jessie: (In a very sad voice) That’s what he said.
*
Conan O’Brain’s Head: (Futurama) Hey! You can laugh all you want. I may have lost my freakishly long legs in the war of 2016, but I’ve got something you can never have. A soul.
Bender: Nah.
Conan: Freckles. (Bender starts to cry)
*
Fry: (Futurama) I’m sure glad Global Warming never happened
Lela: Well. Actually it did. Nuclear Winter canceled it out.
*
T.V. News Lady: (Futurama) ...Is there anything sadder? Only drowning puppies. And there would have to be a lot of them.
*
Robot Santa: (Futurama) I’m gonna shove coal so far up your stocking that you’ll be coughing up diamonds for a week!!
*
Scully: (X-Files) If I hear Silent Night one more time, I’m going to start taking hostages.
*
Scully: (X-Files) (Looks at the female body) She’s wearing my outfit.
Mulder: How embarrassing.
*
Lyda: (X-Files) I don’t show my hole to just anyone.
(Lyda flashes Mulder, and has a huge gapping hole in her stomach)
*
Doyle: (Angel) Did you pull prints? (Angel nods) Good. At least that’ll put ‘em behind bars. Well, until ‘e skitters trough ‘em.
*
Doyle: (Angel) Not many tings give me the creeps. But ‘im, down there, under the covers. At least it was just ‘is ‘ands...and now I wish I ‘ad never tought that.
*
Cordelia: (Angel) What did you put in her tea?
Doyle: Enough whiskey to drop my Aunt Gerdie. And that woman ‘ad some girth.
Cordelia: What’s the point?
Doyle: Well, it relaxes ya and it tastes good-
Cordelia: No, of ever dating anyone?
*
Yakko: (Animaniacs) You’ve got a great face for radio.
*
Spike: (Buffy) Well. They were human. Two eyes each. Kind of in the middle. There, now I’m done. Turn on the telly.
*
Willow: (Buffy) So I said to myself, ‘Self,’ I said...
*
Terakauhn: (Buffy) That is your answer?
Willow: It is.
Terakauhn: Then I ‘m sorry to hear that. (In an evil voice) ....Oh well. Here is my talisman. Give us a chant if you change your mind.
*
Willow: (Buffy) Eat a cookie, ease my pain?
*
Spike: (Buffy) Well, I’m not the one who wanted ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’, for the first dance.
Buffy: ...It was the spell.
*
Scully: (X-Files) ...It’s my life, Mulder.
Mulder: Yes, but it’s m-
(Not funny, just sweet/sad)
*
Marshel Rose: (PSI Factor) I guess I wanted it...The fame...The managers...The bodygaurds. (Starts crying) I couldn’t hear the music anymore.
(Again, just sad)
*
Cordelia: (Angel) ...And you’re the embodiment of all things Sunnydale!
Oz: It’s a burden, but I manage.
*
Marcus: (Angel) (A tourcher vamp) His skin...
Spike: Annoying isn’t it. Still attached.
*
Angel: (Angel) I don’t know about you, but I had a nice day...except for the bulk of it where I was nearly torchered to death.
Doyle: But you stood up.
Angel: Barely. One more hot poker and I was giving him the ring...your mom...how is your mom by the way?
*
Marcus: (Angel) (A tourcher vamp) ...On the contrary, beings with souls have things to lose.
Spike: Souls, fingers, toes...let’s get chopping.
*
Buffy: (Buffy) This is it. My door. Wood. (Knocks on it) Maybe some kind of wood venier.
*
Nike Comerical: ...Everyone wants to know what I’m on. What am I on? I’m on my bike six hours a day, busting my ass. What are you on?
*
Mom: WHAT IS THIS?!!!! (Picture totall amazement she turns into a driveway at night, that is a one-way, and we’re going the wrong way.)
*
T.H. White: (Once and Future King) ...A new round table, one with no corners. (Last page of the book, last paragraph)
*
Xander: (Buffy) Hey, everybody! Giles has a T.V. He’s shallow like us!
Giles: Ah-
Oz: I’ll have to admit, I’m a little disapointed.
Giles: Ah-
Willow: Maybe it doesn’t work. Maybe it’s like art?
(Xander turns it on....dun dun..it works!!!)
*
Tanner: (Asks Eight-Ball) Is Whitney stupid?
Eight-Ball: “My sources say no.”
Tanner: Again, is Whitney stupid?
Eight-Ball: “Highly doubtful.”
Tanner: Is Tanner stupid?
Eight-Ball: “It is certain.”
*
Ross: (Friends) How did you know she would by Scotch-Tape?
Chandler: We used up the rest of her’s last night making scary faces.
*
Lewis: (Drew Carry Show) Oswald and I have joined forces, and will thwart you!
Drew: Have you been reading comic-books?
Lewis: Silence!
*
I overheard this in the halls at a Drama meet: God, the school is like, over-run with mimes.
Then later: Not that I have anything aginst mimes....
*
Angel : (Angel) They decided who was out and who was in...They were like the Sectret Police...if they cared a lot about shoes.
*
Monica : (Friends) Oh shut up. The camera adds ten pounds.
Chandler: How many cameras are actully on you? (Watching a video of Monica as a high-school student)
*
Rachel: (Friends) Oh God, I can’t beleive that on of us has one of these.
Chandler: I still am one of these. (Ross’s new baby boy)
*
Wesly: (Angel) I’m a rogue demon hunter now. (All dramatic and hero-y)
Cordelia: What’s a rogue demon?
*
Wesly: (Angel) ...You’d be locked up tighter than Lady Hamilton’s virtue...I beg your pardon. (To Cordelia)
Cordelia: That’s ok..I didn’t...know...what you...ment.
*
Buffy’s Friend1: (Buffy The Movie) ...How about the ozone layer?
Buffy’s Friend 2: Yeah, we have to get rid of that.
*
Buffy: (Buffy The Movie) Toaster caked ‘em!!! (She killed her first vamp)
*
Lothos’s Lackey: (Buffy The Movie) You ruined my new jacket, kill him a lot.
*
Buffy: (Buffy The Movie) ...and you find yourself babbling to a strange man in your living room.
Pike: ...are you...calling me...a... man?
*
Pike: (Buffy The Movie) But, Buffy. You’re the guy. You are the chosen guy.
*
Lothos’ One Armed Lackey: (Buffy The Movie) We’re imortal buffy. we can do anything you can.
Buffy: Oh yeah? Clap.
*
Boy in Interview: (Buffy The Movie) They had fangs. They were bitting people. They had this cold, animal look in thier eyes. I think they were young Republicans.
*
Sally: (Third Rock From the Sun) It’s like propaganda for an estrogen cult! (Women’s magazines)
*
The Criminal Dude: (From Dusk Till Dawn) What were they? Were they psycos?
Seth Geko: Psycos?! Psycos don’t explode when sunlight hits them, I don’t care how fucking crazy they are!!
*
Xander: (Buffy) Hey! Everyone, it’s Giles!...With a chainsaw!!
*
Buffy: (Buffy) Thank the Lord.
Oz: You’re welcome. (Oz is wearing a sticker that says “Hello, my name is: ‘God’.”
*
Xander: (Buffy) That’s your scary costume?
Anya: ...Bunnies frighten me.
*
Drew: (Drew Carry Show) You know, seperatly, were nothin’. But together, we’re 800 pounds of trouble.
*
Dude in Hallmark Movie: (Old Time Hallmark Movie) Why did you raise your eyebrows when I said hell? Last Sunday the precher said it 17 times. I counted.
*
Lewis: (Drew Carry Show) ...and if you dump her, there will be no one to comfort her because everyone will be to busy trying to catch the monkeys flying outta my butt!
*
Lysastrata’s Friend: (Arostophines’s Play Lysastrata) ...I shall not extend my Persian slippers twords the celing.
*
Homer: (Simpsons) Lisa, Vampires are make belive! Just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
*
Kennith Falk: (Liar Liar) How are you?
Fletcher Reid: I’ve just slipped into the seventh circle of Hell, thank you.
*
Mulder: (X-Files) ...Where we lay in repose under ancient starlight. (The prologue in Closure Part2)
*
Mr. Keeting: (Dead Poets Society) Now get in yaulping stance!
*
Neil: (Dead Poets Society) If I were ever to buy a desk set-
Todd: Twice.
Neil: Twice. I would definitly buy this one.
*
Neil: (Dead Poets Society) This desk set wants to fly. Todd? (Throws it) The world’s first umaned desk set. (woosh) Uh oh. (Papers everywhere) Don’t worry. You’ll get one next year.
*
Charlie: (Dead Poets Society) (The phone rings) Hello? Welton Academy... Mr. Nelson? It’s for you. It’s God. He says we should have girls at Welton.
*
Mr. Keeting: (Dead Poets Society) Phone call from God. (snorts) Now, Collect would have been daring.
*
Smithers: (Simpsons) Sir, he not only failed his aptitude test, he got locked in a closet on the way out.
*
Movie Guy: (Saturday Night Live Skit) Fantasia is fan-tas-great!
*
Goo Goo Dolls: (Song lyrics/Iris) When everything feels like the movies, yeah you bleed just to know you’re alive....And I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think they’d understand. When everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am. (Just realy cool lyrics)
*
Lewis: (Drew Carry Show) Wow! Drugs that make you smarter...what do they do?
*
Oswald: (Drew Carry Show) Tomorow is the 17th aniversary of the death of my first dog. The day I learned to drive.
*
Xander: (Buffy) They really are good. (About Cheerleaders)
Oz: Their spellings’ improved.
*
Charlie: (It Could Happen to You) Our favorite Koreans are being held up.
Partner: Are you sure?
Charlie: Yup. First, he tells me his wife has the flu-
Partner: Ah, Damn. That bitch would work if she were dead.
*
Mark: (Biololgy class) Just ask Dr. Jamie, he’ll tell you whats wrong with your genetic pedigree. Yeah, ‘I’m sorry, ....but you’re a babboon.’
*
Somthing I read on a posting on a alt.tv.x-files.creative newsgroup:
*
Willow: (Buffy) I wish I could have a hour alone in a room with her... if I were larger and had grenades.
*
Angel: (Angel) We did a good thing.
Wesley: We set the captives free.
(Evil laughter)
Cordelia: Didn’t we actully set a bunch of demons free?
Wesley: Well...technicly, yes.
*
Homer: (Simpsons) (Asleep and in an accent) In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.
*
Wane: (Honey I Shrunk the Kids, the Series) Ok somtimes I’m dilusional. Like that one time I was convinced that the mailman was a super intelgent form of plant life.
*
Moses: (Ten Commandmants) (About an old woman) What is she to you?
Annie: (As Jonah) My lover.
*
Red: (That 70’s Show) Or better yet, we could go out to the gargage and I could hit you in the elbow with a baseball bat.
Eric: ...I’ll stick with the fever.
Red: Sure! If you want to go through life half-assed!
*
Peter: (Family Guy) Do you have any books on toilet training?
Book Guy: Sure, we have the popular ‘Everyone Poops’. And the less popular ‘Everyone Poops But You’.
Peter: We’re Catholic...so...
Book Guy: Oh. Then you want the ‘You’re a Naughty Child and Thats Concentrated Evil Comming Out From Behind You’.
*
Malcolm: (Malcolm in the Middle) It’s been ten days since mom lost her job. Yesterday we had macaroni and rice. Today we’re having rice and macaroni.
*
Mrs. Solberg: (Choir class) Violence doesn’t solve anything-
Johnny Earley: Except the world’s problems.
*
Giles: (Buffy) Are you sure it was her?
Buffy: Well, I’ve narrowed down my list of one suspect...
*
Anya: (Buffy) Fine. Well, you know what? I hope you die! (Xander leaves) ...Aren’t we going to kiss?
*
Homer: (The Simpsons) God Bless those Pagans.
*
Xander: (Buffy) Come on guys! The suspense is killing Angel.
*
Peter: (Family Guy) This guy couldn’t make me laugh, even if I was laughing my ass off, and he was making me do it.
*
Spike: (Buffy) I came to you in friendship...well, OK, seething hatred.
*
Giles: (Buffy) (Phone rings) Hello? Yes. We’re well aware of that. We’re under siege now. Thank you. (They are under attack from a bunch of Indians)
*
Thomas: (Swing Kids) Murderous, ‘Herr Hit Man’.
*
Peter: (Swing Kids) I don’t always have to go. I don’t always go even if I have to.
*
Willow: (Buffy) He’s delirious, he thought I was Buffy.
Oz: You too, huh?
*
Homer: (Simpsons) What do you think of that? The cat burgler was cought by the very man who was trying to catch him.
Skinner: How ironic.
*
Buffy: (Buffy) This is where I spend most of my time. Memeorizing stuff off the sides of mosluems. Big freaky, cereal-boxes of death.
*
Xander: (Buffy) You’re not the big-bad anymore. You’re not even the kinda-naughty.
*
(Barnyard Series/By: Dark Nascent)
...it's a good thing she died when her head hit the sink, because
otherwise she would have died when her head hit the floor.
*
Alf: (Alf) I got the bar-b-que lit. Speficly the wheels,
*
MIKE: Well, yeah, she would, unless Angel spends his nights crying, screaming, sitting, quivering his lip, and chastely comforting himself.
CROW: Now -that's- an odd image. *
Mrs. Berkowitz: (X-files) I don’t know about no union, but I sure woke up in a condition.
*
Mrs. Berkowitz: (X-Files) Hey, thats it. That’s the song that was playing when I got knocked-up! (Cher is playing)
*
Eric: (That Seventies Show) Yeah, I’m a real bad-boy. My big teenage rebellion..I..got a job. Oh no! Look out! He’s got insurence!
*
Rosie: (The Rosie O’Donnell Show) To you, a hamster. To me, the devil.
*
Teaspoon: (Young Riders) When did this...this happen?
Lou: Born this way, I guess. (About being a girl)
*
Gypsy Girl: (Bram Stoker’s Dracula) (Hands him a cross on a chain) For the dead travel fast. (Translated, Romanian?)(Just a cool scene)
*
Count Dracula: (Bram Stoker’s Dracula) Wahghghdahghag mahhhgghghghgdaahahgah! (Swings a sword around,then says this. I’m sure it was actual words at some point, but I don’t understand them...Murder?)
*
Mimi: (Drew Carry Show) You’re the other man? Who’s she married to? The Elephant Man?
*
Song on Lonsome Dove: The Series: ...There’ll always be a faster gun. (Just some good lyrics)
*
Kate: (Drew Carry Show) Ok. Forget patheti-sad. How about weird-dork?
Drew: How about sarcasta-bitch?
*
Oswald: (Drew Carry Show) I’m an example of a mistake. (!)
*
John Eberly: (Young Riders) Did I kill ya?
Teaspoon: No, John.
John: But I got ya, right?
Teaspoon: Yes, John.
*
Lewis: (Drew Carry Show) Two plates. Two cups. (Chuckles) Oh, I see. You ate breakfast and then changed chairs and ate again.
*
Oswald: (Drew Carry Show) A Co-Ed! Sound’s like Drews robbin’ the craddle.
Drew: Actully she’s sixty two.
Lewis: Drew’s robbin’ the Craft-Matic Adjustible Bed!
*
Me: IT’S A SIGN!! (In the car, listening to The Eagles song Desperado. There’s a street sign that says ‘Hickok’. *
Lady: (Simpsons) Let’s just say he spelled ‘Yale’ with a six.
*
Tara: (Buffy) (Scooby-Gang catches Giles singing) Does he do this everyday?
Xander: Sure. Everyday the Earth rotates backwards and the skies turn orange.
*
Mrs. Holt: (Buffy) I refuse to listen to this! I can smell the sin on each and every one of you!
Xander: Yeah? You smell sin? Well, let me tell you somthing, Lady. She who smelt it, delt it. (Looks at Giles) It’s like what you said, only faster.
*
Xander: (Buffy) ...This totally adds to my ‘old-people-are-crazy’ theory.
*
I woke up with this in my head: Jesus Christ. Not again. (It was Monday.)
*
Xander: (Buffy) Just because you’re better than us doesn’t mean you can be all superior!
*
Willow: (Buffy) I tried to help, but, of course, being a ghost I was already way to late.
*
Giles : (Buffy) In the midst of all that, do you think really think they were keeping it up? (Get’s wierd looks.) ...Oh, for different phrasing.
*
Xander: (Buffy) ... like a big burst of poltergasm?
*
Reily: (Buffy) ... and when I saw he was bad-
Buffy: He’s no bad.
Reily: Seriously? That’s a good day? Well, there you go. Even when he’s good, he’s all billowy-coat, king of pain, and girls really dig that-
*
Buffy: (Buffy) I didn’t say you were stupid! Now stop being an indiot, and let me fix this!
*
Buffy: (Buffy) Xander? Oh, he’s the deadest man in Deadonia.
*
Ares: (Xena) The secret to understanding women is to realize that they don't actually need men. Now, if they ever figure this out, it's a very sad day indeed. So we must never let them use tools, or take out the garbage, or open their own door.
*
Xander: (Buffy) Sometimes I think about two girls making a spell...then I make my own spell.
*
The most prolific scene and song I have ever heard: “Company, always on the run/ Destiny is a rising sun/ I was born a six-gun in my hand/ Behind a gun, I make my final stand/ That's why they call me/ Bad company/ I can't deny/ Bad company/ Till the day that I die/ 'till the day that I die...” (Excerpt from the song Bad Company) The song coupled with scenes from Young Riders, with Jimmy (Wild Bill) Hikock. In a town called Regrets, he is looking rather dangerous, and pretty cute, but he is looking for himself in a town where all you can find are regrets (How Ironic). I guess you just have to see it.
*
Deputy Mayor: (PBS Movie) Have you moved yet?
Mayor: What?
Deputy Mayor: I heard you got a new apartment.
Mayor: I don’t know-
Deputy Mayor: Up (Nazi guy’s) ass.
*
Teaspoon: (Young Riders) There's something about Hickok, I don't know, that's bigger than life. If I wasn't superstitious -- which I am-- I'd call it destiny. Whatever it is, all I know is that we can't keep protecting him from it because, sooner or later, he would have to face it. And it ain't something a man ever beats. Not in this life anyways.
*
Guy watching the Jail: (Young Riders) What are you doing here?
Jimmy: Got somthin’.
Guy: What?
Noah or Buck(?): The keys.
*
Scully: (X-Files) Mulder! That’s evidence!
Mulder: Gee, I hope so.
*
Jareth: (Labrynth) Love me, serve me, do as I say, and I will be your slave. (Or it could be "Just fear me, love me and I will be your slave".)
*
Xander: (Buffy) Dinner is served! my very own recipe.
Willow: Ohh... You pushed the popcorn button on the microwave.
Xander: No, actully I hit the defrost button, but the choice was there in a clench.
*
Joyce: (Buffy) Nice to finally meet you. (Reilly Leaves) Notice the emphasis I put on ‘finally’.
Buffy: Nope.
*
Giles: (Buffy) (Dream Sequence) Come on, put your back into it. A watcher scoffs at gravity!
*
Anya: (Buffy) (Dream Sequence) I think I firgured out how to steer by gestering emphaticly. (Looks over at road, and wave arms to the left)
*
Voice over Loud Speaker: (Buffy) (Dream Sequence) ‘The demons have excaped. Please run for your lives.’
Reilly: (Stands up, all serious) This could be trouble. We’d better make a fort.
Demon formeraly known as Adam: (Very serious) I’ll get some pillows.
*
Reilly: (Buffy) (Dream Sequence) We’re drawing up plans for world domination. The key element? Coffe makers that think.
*
Reilly: (Buffy) (Dream Sequence) We have a lot of important work to do here. Lots of filing. Giving things names.
*
Giles: (Buffy) (Dream Sequence) I said there could be dire consqecences.
Buffy: You say that about chewing to fast.
*
Buffy: (Buffy) At least you all didn’t dream about the guy with the cheese. I don’t know where the hell that came from. (Giles, Xander and Willow look at each other.)
*
Guy with Cheese: (Buffy) (In Giles’ Dream) I wear the cheese, it does not wear me.
*
Hyde: (That 70’s Show) Welcome to camp naughty-bad fun.
*
Eve6: (X-Files) Paid to much attention a to a guard. Bit into his eyeball. (Knashes teeth) I ment it as a sign of effection...haha!
*
Cordelia: (Angel) You’er a lot smarter than you look. Corse, you look like a retard.
*
Guy: (Sprite Comercial) Maybe those sharp pointy rocks will stop him.
Girl: Nope.
*
Albert Einstein: (IQ) If you had a nickel for every nickel he has, you’d have a lot of nickles.
*
Drew: (Drew Carry Show) All we need is a weding dress, handcuffs and some flowers.
Lewis: Hey, I got all those in my trunk!
*
Drew: (Drew Carry Show) This morning, old people threw eggs at my house.
Old guy: How do you know they were old people?
Drew: They were driving so slow, I had time to walk alongside them for a while.
*
Grace: (Will and Grace) When you and I broke up for different reasons. I wanted to raise the kids Jewish; you wanted to sleep with men.
Will: And I do enjoy that so much.
*
Teaspoon:(Young Riders) I believe ‘im.
Jimmy Hickok: Why?
Teaspoon: ‘Cause nobody can make up a story that stupid.
*
Teaspoon: (Young Riders) How about you, Buck? do you have anything constructive to add?
Buck: How about a bandage?
Teaspoon: You think that’d cure it?
Buck: I don’t know, but at least we wouldn’t have to look at it.
*
Alf: (Project Alf) I’m a bit curious about the ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ policy here in the milatary.
Dr. Carnage: What about it?
Alf: I assume it’s worked to your advantage.
*
Alf: (Project Alf) Fruits. Berries. Free range-kitten. It was a pretty strict diet. I was an underwear model.
*
Alf: (Project Alf) Where’s the chedder-cheese?
Rocket the Robot: I’ll go to Wisconsin immeditatly.
Alf: Drive safetly.
*
Alf: (Project Alf) ...guess who flew the coup? I’ll give you a hint. Rick.
*
Major: (Project Alf) I’m gonna kick your butt so hard, your breath is going to smell like shoe polish!
*
Dr. Savage: (Project Alf) I’m going to show you some pictures-
Alf: Are they of you?
Dr. Savage: No.
Alf: Good.
*
Major: (Project Alf) Eventully I found out those symbols ment something
Second Leitenit: What sir?
Major: I don’t know.
*
Major: (Project Alf) There’s a very fine line between mutilating cattle and eating cats.
*
David Spade: (Black Sheep) Are you are or are you not, the Black Angel of Death?
*
Mimi: (Drew Carry Show) What are you doing here?
Drew: I don’t know. Why do people slow down towatch a car wreak?
*
Oswald: (Drew Carry Show) Either it’s really cold out there or there is suddenly a lot more room in my underwear.
*
Oswald: (Drew Carry Show) It’s got all the classic text-book signs of a thing.
*
Lou looked over at him and noticed his eyes were fixated on her mouth. Her insides did a little dance and she began to get warm. She knew it had nothing to do with the wine she had consumed. Unconsciously she licked her lips, and Jimmy let out a low moan. He cupped his hand around her slender neck and pushed her head down to his. Lou never fought it. Their lips met and Lou now knew what Devon meant about Jimmyness, it was all in his kiss.
It was tender yet demanding, innocent and seductive all in one. She felt as if she had found a piece of heaven in his arms. When Lou responded to his kiss, Jimmy had finally felt as if he had found the part of him that was missing. This, he thought, is heaven. *
Salma: (Jay Leno Show) Freddy could sell scabs and I’d buy one.
Leno: You have such a romantic way of putting things.
*
Wesley: Well what did you want me to do? Short of buying every paper on every stand in Los Angeles?
Angel: That would have worked!
Wesley: I tried that, they’d only allow me one copy per stand,” Wesley mumbled, pushing up his glasses. *
Cranior: (Conan O’Brian Show(Cranior is a brain)) I will push this button!....DAMN! I have no fingers!
*
Peggy: (Married with Children) Somthing dretful happened!
Kelly: I’ll call 911! Oh, god! I forgot the number!
*
Dodge Johnson: (Son of the Beach) I’m going to lick. Your. Possy.
*
Main Cop: (Scream 3) Give me a break.
Cop 2: Give me your car.
*
Angel: (Angel) I sorry but I can’t take her case.
Cordelia: (Looks in from next room) Are-you-insane-achoo!
*
Cordelia: (Angel) I geuss it’s safe to come in, Evil Angel never would have worn those pants.
*
Cordelia: (Angel) I’m not going to let somthing so petty in the way of our friendship.
Angel: (After a silence) You’re not going to untie me are you?
Cordelia: *pphiff* (Walks away)
*
Doyle: (Angel) I don’t see Angel putting on tights. (Pauses) Oh. Now I do and it’s really disturbing. (Looks at Cordelia, makes a face and walks away)
*
Oswald: (Drew Carry Show) You’re not so cocky now, are you Mr. I’m-not-so-cocky-now?
*
Drew: (Drew Carry Show) Mimi, you can lie to me, you can lie to the courts, heck, you can lie in front of my car...
*
Emma: (The Young Riders) Whatta gonna do, Jimmy? You gonna ride into their war camp, guns ablazin’? You might as well scalp yourself, and send it to them on a lodge pole.
*
Male Contestant: (Saturday Night Live) I don’t think I should be here. I’m a man!
Eleven Thousand-aire: The hell you are, boy!
*
Male Contestant: (Saturday Night Live) No! I wanna leave!
Eleven Thousand-aire: I don’t think so! You just pulled into the lead!
*
There are only certain days that I can stand to be around some people.
Guess today isn’t your day.
Tomorrow doesn’t look good, either.
(I just love the imagery of Jimmy in this exerpt...)
