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Zach's Rant, Issue 11

Welcome one and all to the premier of Zach's rant section of JSASANR! If you feel like being bored to sleep, then read on. While looking for earlier today (6/10), I happened upon two of the best/worst, depending on your preference in horror, vampire movies I've ever seen. I thought it might be a good idea to compare the worst two vampire movies I've seen to the only vampire-related anime I've seen. So, without any care for the defensive vampire fans out there, I present to you...

Bram Stoker must be rolling in his grave...

...knowing that his creation inspired such a waste of fake rubber intestines. The first film I had the displeasure of viewing introduced me to a breed of vampire previously unknown by me: the prostitute vampire. Yes, I'm talking about that stake in the heart of Corey Feldman's downhill career, Bordello Of Blood. If you haven't seen this, lemme try to describe it to you. This type of vampire has the uncanny ability to be controlled by midgets, survive "the laser light of the lord", and possesses, to quote Dennis Miller, boobs of the century. Thankfully, she was killed by Dennis's girlfriend, who later killed Dennis in his car.

The second film, From Dusk Till Dawn 2, had yet another breed of vampire. The redneck vampire. Yes, that's right. All the moronicity(?) of a redneck, combined with the bloodlust of a vampire. What's the result? Four guys that enjoy slaughtering cops outside of a bank during a solar eclipse! These vampires are allergic to bank vaults, crap their pants when they die, and are killed when a pair of sunglasses faces them. The crapping part is probably due to bad special effects, though.

On the anime side, there's Vampire Princess Miyu. Other than biting people and pulling them into another dimension, she's nothing special. She's got some huge, pussy whipped, veil-clad guy named Larvae capturing demons for her, simply by writing their name. She's also being chased by the white female vampire-hunting incarnation of Shaft.

In summary, I couldn't think of anything that would make an entertaining rant subject. I better end this thing now, before it gets bigger than Ocelot's... no, I'm talking about the rant.