RvGrIUtena: 20 something Female, likes Buddhists, heretics and people with a 3rd grade reading level or higher. Is interested in molesting a young Asian lad who doesn't mind wearing a tutu. Turn Off's: Large open sores that are visible.
That Jerk Ran: 15 Male, likes monkeys, antisocialites and people with annoyingly esoteric and pedantic vocabularies. Is interested in cross-dressing and prostitution. Turn Off's: None.
RvGrIUtena: Okay, so I called Ran, and Ocelot answered the phone. At first I was confused, ...sounded like a negro slave from Kentucky. I asked for Ran, and he seemed hesitant, but eventually Ocelot handed over the phone. We talked for hours about nuclear physics, bio chemical warfare, and ladies lingerie. I knew this date would be a good one.
That Jerk Ran: At first, I was pleasantly surprised at how well-versed she was in just about every topic I threw at her. But then, I was absolutely floored when she got to talking about her passions: S&M, whips, all that good stuff.
RvGrIUtena: So I met him at his house. Well, his Grandmother's apartment's two-car garage. It had a homey feel to it. I felt very comfortable, but it could have been the gas fumes. O.O
That Jerk Ran: Alright...so, anyway, Utena picked me up (because I'm not old enough for a license yet), and we were off.
RvGrIUtena: He was rather nice looking. But his need to wear the combat gear confused me. I mean, was this a formal occasion? Hmm...
That Jerk Ran: Heh, well, about the combat gear...my 'Nana gets a bit over-protective sometimes. Especially when I'm about to go off on a date with someone too old for me according to law...
RvGrIUtena: When I heard about the whole "LAW" thing, we decided to drive to Kentucky, Ocelot's birth place, where age is just a bunch of numbers that do not go past 9.
RvGrIUtena: I really wanted to see if Ran could live up to the size of his helmet. I mean, you can tell how large a man is by the size of his gear. And while we were in the car, listening to old Eartha Kitt 8-Tracks, I got really hot and bothered. But don't worry, I didn't tell him I had herpes yet. At the next gas stop I used my derma-creme, and went back to day dreaming of Ran's manly bits.
That Jerk Ran: Er...yikes...anyway, along the way to Kentucky, I worried about some conflict starting between Utena and Ocelot. Actually...it wasn't really "worry," per se...more like "hopeful, giddy anticipation." And...you have herpes?
RvGrIUtena: Did I say herpes? I meant I needed a slurpee. Yeah... and damned that fool Ocelot! Him and his skanky old loin cloth. I mean, what did Ran see in him anyway? We decided to hit a Red Lobster. I knew there would be a chance to make my move, and apply more derma-creme.
That Jerk Ran: I think part of the decision to go to Red Lobster might have had something to do with that questionable smell I started to notice from Utena during all that application of derma-creme...but it was no worse than Ocelot's loin cloth, I'll let you know. Hooboy, that thing's never been washed. "Just staying true to the movie," he says. Well Christ, stay true to your fuckin' hygeine, freak.
RvGrIUtena: Ran kept asking for moist towlettes. I thought it was because he was a messy eater, who knew? Anywho, we were really hitting it off. Not only was that actually a gun in his pocket, but he was happy to see me! I lovingly licked the butter from the lobster off his fingers, ... then remembered to ask if he had washed his hands when he had used the restroom. He had. THIS was a good sign.
That Jerk Ran: (Note to the audience: I lied about that hand-washing thing...)
RvGrIUtena: (I lied about being Jewish).
That Jerk Ran: Hmm...I thought there was something funny about a nice Jewish girl so into Buddhism...
RvGrIUtena: One of the waiters was Laotian, ... this diverted my attention for a minute. I must confess.
That Jerk Ran: And I must confess, it diverted my attention as well. ...Wha? The cutie had a nice ass, is all I'm saying...
RvGrIUtena: I couldn't take it anymore, so I said "Ran, can I suck your dick at the local Motel 6?" He didn't object to the dick sucking, but the motel was too much for him. He said "What's wrong with the back of the Honda Civic??" He was right, as always. ^_^***
That Jerk Ran: Nice, small car for a nice, small pe-...uh, anyway...
RvGrIUtena: That was the best two minutes i'd had in a while!
That Jerk Ran: And I was surprised I held out so long! I was so proud of myself!
RvGrIUtena: I saw that Ran was quickly begining to fall asleep. So after I went through his wallet and took his watch, I decided to head back for Omaha. Besides, someone would notice that the car was stolen sooner or later. Let it be later, I thought to myself.
That Jerk Ran: At this point, my dreams were filled with dancing sugar plums, and time-record-shattering oral sex...
RvGrIUtena: On the way back I kept thinking, "Ocelot isn't really that bad of a looker.." Omaha crept up on us at earth shattering speed.
RvGrIUtena: (damn, I noticed we both said shattering, that copy cat prick basta... oops)
That Jerk Ran: It's funny that way. I think all the cornfields leading up to my shit-town mesmerize you for a while...then blam! The three or four forty-story buildings we call our skyline just sorta pop out of nowhere.
That Jerk Ran: Did I say "forty-story"? More like, twenty-story. Sorry.
RvGrIUtena: I asked Ran if he wouldn't mind sharing his boy toy with me. He seemed open minded, as long as we stocked up on Lysol. This was going to be a looong ass date. We headed to Ran's, welcomed by the thoughts of sweet, sweet lovin'.
That Jerk Ran: So, we step inside, and I notice none of the lights are on. I try turning them on, but they don't work. Then, Ocelot scares the piss out of me using some sadistic-ass psycho voice, asking if I'd enjoyed the night with Utena.
RvGrIUtena: (thank Buddha I had stolen Ran's glock earlier in the car)
That Jerk Ran: I said I did, and that I had an interesting proposition for Ocelot.
RvGrIUtena: I handed Ocelot a tube of Derma-Creme as a peace offering. He sniffed it, and began to grunt, jumping up and down.
RvGrIUtena: O.O
That Jerk Ran: I warned Utena, "Don't make eye contact; back away slowly. If he doesn't accept, he'll charge." I wasn't sure if she would be able to put that glock to good use.
RvGrIUtena: I shot the bastard. Good riddance. I said my good-bye's to Ran and realized that although this was a dream date, Ran was only good for sex. So I figured we could make it a Honda Civic habbit every month or so, when the rash clears up. Ran turned out to be just another fuck buddy, and Ocelot, well ...he takes a bullet well. That's all I can say.
That Jerk Ran: The only real problem I had with this date was the fact that I was still stuck with Tarzan, Jr. over here...and, though Ocelot does indeed take a bullet well, it's still such a shame Utena chose to shoot him where I find him most useful...::sigh::. He'll never be the same in bed again...
RvGrIUtena: I hear Ocelot did well with the tube of Derma-Creme I left him. All in all, I give this date an A-. What do you think, Ran, my sexy spacemonkey?
That Jerk Ran: Oh, A+. Utena wets up the Lil Ranimal far better than Ocelot's tongue ever managed to.
RvGrIUtena: (er, that's the cream.)
That Jerk Ran: Oh.
~The End~
Note from Dios: I'm sorry, this is not really an official zettai, but I could not resist. I found this hilarious - does this not scream of When Harry Met Sally? Only instead of some old happy couple, it's Ran and Utena, recounting this... interesting... blind date experience ;P
