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Ran, Issue # Ten

The Perfect Rant: That's right, it's not just a clever name, this is the perfect rant. And yes, I know because of the variation of opinion and human error and all that bull-malarkey it means there is no perfect rant. But I don't give a damn. Right, well, perfection in small, easily discernible sections always goes down a little smoother, so here we go: Everything Wrong With Japan in Under Thirty Seconds (unless you're a slow reader): Japan sucks. They're racist, obsessive about work, and short. They suck. And they're too smart as a whole for their own good. They need to take some more anti-depressants over there too. And I really really want to see a Japanese version of The Price is Right. Admit it, you know you want to see that too. But no, I doubt I'll be seeing the nip equivalent of Bob Barker anytime soon Everything Wrong With Japan That Should be Somewhat Important to Americans: Japan sucks. They're racist, obsessive about work, and cost Americans billions. Japanese businesses use bastard tactics, importing more worth in American product than they export Japanese product. Good for their economy, bad for us. And Japan, because of that little boo-boo during the 1940's, has no army of it's own. They have us. And while its all well and good providing our boys the means to see a bit of the world, I don't think its worth the cash to bother. Of course, my parents would have never married if we didn't have a base in Okinawa, but that's just a silly little detail that doesn't matter. And I really really want to see a Japanese version of The Price is Right (yes, I honestly believe that should be somewhat important to Americans; let's get cracking on that petition guys) A Utopian Society: The perfect society would be populated solely by American and Japanese students....the morning after they all got shit-faced off Jack Daniels and sake, and got in one big fight. If you don't see why that would make for a perfect society, than you never will Seriously: Really, how could you go wrong? Japan...USA...okay, maybe I should throw Canada in there too, but not Quebec. I don't want anything to do with people who have French as their first language. France has corrupted all our lives enough (everyone knows at least three people who've taken French class willingly, and we all know that's just wrong) Organized Religion: Japan has the best religions. Both their Buddhism and Shinto are respectable religions, emphasizing a way of life conducive to living in peace, and in harmony with nature...or something like that. Anyway, I really like buying those little red Buddhas, so, um, that makes me Buddhist....right? No, Really: I strive to live my life adhering to the teachings of Buddha. As well as Christ (and it shoud be noted: Buddhists are more Christian than Christians). And Shinto promotes a belief in spirits living in nature, that should be revered and respected. I think that's a wonderful thing to believe in.....damn tree-huggers I Hate Californians: This wouldn't be a perfect rant if I didn't mention at least one of my most burning hatreds, and I do have many of those. Seems like every other person I meet online is from California (Christ, don't those five people living in Montana have modems yet?). I know that's not a reason to hate Californians, but that's not why I hate 'em. I have a lot of money riding on this bet that California will break off and become an island after "the Big One," and they haven't done it yet, the bastards. If they don't get around to it in a year, I could lose almost an entire ten bucks! And I know God hates California. They get mudslides, earthquakes, droughts, and heat that makes you say "Shit its hot" or even "Damn, its really hot out." Next you'll see it rain frogs and everyone's first born child will die Biblical Reference: Dude, that was funny. You just didn't realize it Russian Expletive: Dроклинать Caps Lock and Why I love It: I LOVE WHEN SPEDS COME INTO CHAT ROOMS AND GET EASILY OFFENDED, SO WE HAVE TO BE BOTHERED WITH THEIR INANE COMMENTS MADE IN ANGER, ALL ENTIRELY IN CAPITAL LETTERS. AND HOW ORIGINAL THESE FREAKS ARE, ENTERTAINING US WITH COMMENTS LIKE "F U ASSHOLE" OR THE MEMORABLE "YOUR GAY." WHEW! WHAT TALENT! WHAT AMAZING WIT! WHAT AN ENTIRELY USELESS BUT EASY WAY TO GIVE ME A MIGRAINE Don't Worry, I'll Never Use Caps Lock Again: Don't worry, I'll never use caps lock again ::focuses really hard to never use caps lock again:: Don't Worry, I'll Never Role-Play Again: That's a lie. I'll probably rp again. And I'll use caps lock again too. But you know, its the thought that counts, or something I Need to Offend Japanese People More: Seriously, I'm lacking in the effort department. Those damn nips, they're only good for one thing: making me laugh at their funny little ways, in their short little world. Silly buggers, sleeping on the floor, with thin paper doors that slide. Crazy I tells ya, just crazy That Wasn't Offensive At All: It really wasn't. My heart wasn't in it. Self-deprecating humour is the only beautiful thing left in this world Cannibalism: I know I'm not the only who's considered it. Seriously, aren't you the least bit curious? Nibble a bit on your thumb, you might like it Sexy Serra Muhn: You should see the rant I wrote on rape. Yeah, Sailor Moon is hot. And animated. Shut up, I know I'm a freak. Too bad you'll never even see the entirety of my horrid fantasies, or that rape rant for that matter. Censorship is such a b*tch Broadway: "Hey Ma, ya think I'll ever acheive my dream, and make it on Broadway?"....."No Mom, I'm not coming out of the closet." Yeah, well, Rent was cool. And Jesus Christ Superstar. as Hell. But I still love Broadway. And no, I'm not coming out of the closet....not yet leastways Ran, Lies, and Videotape: Um, nothing to write about the subject, just thought it was kinda funny....kinda You're Dying: Yeah, I know, I'm runnin' low. Ocelot could do better, and be more original, but only I have the kind of pompous self-confidence to call this perfect. How so? (heh) Idunno. Unko, guess I'm done. So that's it. That concludes the Perfect Rant