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Ran, Issue # Eight

Alright. Ricky Martin needs to die. And not just for making me think those thoughts I think about other men again (you know what I'm talking about dammit....don't you? Please say you do, please?). Anyway, the Bastard's new song, that slow piece of crap, has totally ripped off a Live song. Not that I even remember the name of the Live song, but the music video was modeled after various paintings by this one guy...uh, don't know his name either. But still, I bet none of you even know what I'm talking about, and you know why that is don't you? Yeah, bet you don't even know that, you uncouth little bastards. Anyway, while we're on it, bands with members that look like nerds kick ass. Weezer, Blur, love 'em both. And Beck too, dammit. Yeah, and uh, Cat Stevens too (hah, all of three people know who that is I bet). And none of this has anything to do with what I'm gonna rant about. I just got distracted by Ricky Martin (gawdamn, Menudo....who knew?). So anyway, America sucks. Land of kapitalist pigs...I mean, krap kartoons... uh, crap cartoons. Dроклинать. Anyway, I know it seems like its bound to happen that any and all anime fans get around to bitching about American cartoons, but unlike all those other anime fans, I'm more than just semi-intelligent. And I realize there is some quality animation to be found this side of the Pacific. Sure, most of the crap I see on tv I just don't see any appeal in. It frightens me to think it may be because I've matured beyond watching cartoons, but that's just too disturbing and ridiculous a notion. And what the fuck happened to Saturday mornings? I accidentally woke up early one Saturday (which happens less often than the passing of Haley's Comet), and found to my utter disgust just what kind of animated shit kids are watching. And apparently the Saturday morning cartoons have all decided to skip to Sunday. Alright, first let me get some of the good stuff out of the way: that Superman/Batman shit is okay, Dexter's Laboratory has that little Monkey show on the side (so I obviously find it agreeable), and finally, the anime. Though I hate to say it, shows like Sailor Moon, Pokemon, and DBZ do America some good. Sure they're commercial, cut-up, censored crap, but they work like gateway drugs. And where would I be without DARE, I ask you (heh, I first accidentally typed out DRUG instead of DARE. There's drug awareness for ya). They're like the cigarettes to the heroin and meth of the anime world. Hopefully the idiotic children watching this neutered, distorted view of anime will grow up finding the kind of stuff I love (no, I'm not talking about hentai....okay, so maybe I was, but come on, everybody feels a little lonely sometimes). Waitadamnminute...I just realized someone probably already ranted about this shit. Yeah, I'm sure of it. So, um, okay, just so Ocelot doesn't take up the most space with his damn rants, I'll serve up a double. Here's a bit of information on what I love. I'm interested in all things "niche." That term is interchangeable at times with words such as "independent," "underground," and "cult." Things not commercial. Evil Dead movies, independent film, Hong Kong cinema, anime, manga, graphic novels, Ani DiFranco, J-pop (every now and then), Belle and Sebastian, emo, sado-masochism, MST3K, all things Kevin Smith, meth amphetamines, and all that wonderful stuff. So if you hadn't realized already, its now obvious I'm a geek. Yeah, well, at least I know how to enjoy the finer things in life. Anyway, independent film....I love it because most of it isn't of your typical genre-film variety. Indie film-makers can be relied upon to tell stories that aren't easily defined, free from the cliche trappings of tired genres overflowing with movies made in a Hollywood cookie-cutter fashion. I wish more anime was like that. One movie I loved was Grave of the Fireflies. That fine piece of animation was great because it told a story minus the typical jokes or sweat-drops or mecha or gore you find in damn near every other anime out there (if it doesn't have a sweat-drop, its probably full of blood and moments of ultra-violence). It was real drama, though I hate to call it that. And yeah, even the absolute antithesis of Grave of the Fireflies can still be enjoyable. But its good to have some variation now and then.