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Ocelot, Issue # Eleven

~The Cute Lil Japanese and Their Growing Height~

All this week I've found myself on a poetic high. I cannot think of two sentences without first some form of rhyming appearing to me, and then abstract images. And no, I haven't been suffering from mixed states of euphoria. I haven't scattered my brains on the bowling parking-lot at two in the morning (though, Ryan did and that sure was funny in a painful and tragic sort of way). So, let's kick this rant off with the first thing that comes to mind. I want a pair of geta sandals. You heard me, geta sandals. You know, the kind that invert the body on little wooden slats, and technically make it impossible to walk? Those things are so cool looking. They really give a guy that nip air to himself, all the while destroying any chances of ever participating in an ice-capades. Plus, one of my heroes, Toshiro Mifune, makes heavy use of them in several Kurosawa films. They almost make Japs look reasonably tall, and not from weird camera angles or intoxication or bad sushi. Speaking of nip-height, I read a report that said something like Japanese people are growing at an alarming rate due to an increase in their diets. And I thought, wow! So they weren't short just because God hates them! The possibilities of tall Japanese people bring about many questions and some funny little setups. Firstly, JBA. The Japanese Basketball Association. Just imagine it: tall, lanky widescreen-eyed friends slapping about the courts. Of course, we'd have to Japanese it. So they'd wear Nike-sponsored geta sandals and hakami pants, and at half-time the cheerleaders would rush out and kill themselves by flinging their bodies into groups of obnoxious crowd members. After half-time, the teams would be changed from the lanky ones to sumo participants who would slap their thighs and wear towels over their asses. The sumo's would eat as much rice and noodles and drink as much sake as they could take, and the first one to fall over dead of a heart attack would be the winner. The coaches would be another interesting aspect, as they would all carry katana and shout about the evils of the white devil to encourage their players. A little table would be set off to the side of the main area, featuring a wide variety of seppuku-performing tools, and the losing team would honor themselves by spilling their intestines onto the floor. Another good thing about increasing Japanese height: WJBA. Women's Japanese Basketball Association. Unlike the WNBA, people would actually watch this because it features geisha ladies and normal Japanese schoolgirls who attempt to toss a leather-skin ball into a hoop and who end up running in circles and beating prayer drums and honoring their dead husbands by sleeping with the referees. That alone is worth 10,000 yen, plus, just seeing a geisha gal hobbling down a basketball court with her little slippers, stopping the ball and bowing to every person in sight, and falling on her ass is hilarious. To turn the tables some, I'd like to point out that Filipinos are now cool with me. Everyone these days is a bit Filipino. I'm sure if you trace back your family heritage, you'll find some Filipino slut who slept with your granddaddy during the occupation of the Philippines, or something of that sort. Hell, they look like the product of taking two parts Japanese, one part Chinese, and three parts Vietnamese and placing those all into a bottle, and shaking for an extended period of time. Plus, Filipino ceremonies are just hilarious. I've heard of flip pride before, but until you actually see it, it's hard to comprehend. Catching sight of a hundred or so Filipinos, trudging down a street with signs, all the while yelling about some maid or whatever being raped and shipped back to the Philippines. I'm serious, it's quite cool. This rant needs an end. So, I'll just wrap it up with a message. The Japanese are funny little people with good attitudes. They didn't get too mad when we sent our "world-saving" bombs and killed thousands of them. Nah, they sucked it in and continued to produce more cars. Whether you like them or not, you must be aware that they are a part of our lives just as much as TV Guides and prostitution. Plus, they sound so cute when they mispronounce their 'l's.