How to get a job

Important things to include on your CV:

• I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience.
• I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms.
• Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.
• Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.
• Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.
• Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.
• Its best for employers that I not work with people.
• Lets meet, so you can ooh and aah over my experience.
• You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time.
• Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.
• I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
• Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.
• I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.
• I am loyal to my employer at all costs . . . . Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.
• I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing.
• My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
• I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.
• As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments.
• Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.
• Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.
• Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as job-hopping. I have never quit a job.
• Marital status: often. Children: various.
• Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 a.m. every morning. Could not work under those conditions.
• The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.
• Finished eighth in my class of ten.
• References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me.
• Through inexperience, I hope to contribute to your organisation.