MACLEOD walking west on Christopher. Dim streetlights. Dogs BARKING. CUT TO: MACLEOD'S HOME - 1182 HUDSON STREET, SOHO Surrounded by Irish bars, art galleries, rubble-filled lots. [Josh:The ideal habitation for a sword-swinging immortal scotsman, really. Plenty of bars and art-galleries.] [Joe:Some of those paintings could really drive a man to drink...] MacLeod heads for a run-down shop next to a dilapidated ten-story glass-and-iron warehouse. [Joe:Ah...that'd be a GREENHOUSE, I think.] [Eli:Maybe the warehouse owners like to let people window-shop.] [Josh(woman's voice)Oh, there's a ton of soybeans, I simply MUST have!] On the shop door: R. NASH -- ANTIQUES [Eli:We're a CUT above the rest! Ha ha...] Rummaging for keys, he unlocks the door and goes in- side. [Joe:(MacLeod)Well, pagan rituals aren't gonna perform themselves, I suppose...] CUT TO: MACLEOD IN A RISING FREIGHT ELEVATOR [Josh:He's taking the freight elevator up to the 15th floor of his antique shop?] The doors open. Before him: A HUGE, OPEN, NEW YORK LOFT [All:AHHHHHHHH!] [Eli:Whoa, vertigo!] The change from drab outside to sumptuous inside is stunning. Exotic fish swim in a huge aquarium. [Joe:He has Ricardo Montalban syndrome, BAD.] MacLeod descends the stairs to: A SUNKEN LIVING ROOM [Josh:Which he goes down to retrieve lost Spanish Galleons, full of gold coffee tables, sofas, and TV sets.] filled with modern art. High veilings, comfortable sofas, Adam fireplace, [Eli(as toy commercial announcer)Kids, get your very own ADAM FIREPLACE! He's a guy from the magical land of hearth fixtures! He comes with poker, ash brush, and ember shovel! Only $19.95!] spectacular views of the river. [Joe:Seeing a river in New York is not a SPECTACULAR anything.] [Josh:(MacLeod)Ah, there's another mangled corpse floating by. How serene...] Moving past speakers and TVs, he drops his keys on a table beside an intercom and answering machine. [Eli:Wow, you make good money chopping heads!] [Josh:Fish and Game pays big for any heads you get.] In a silver frame on the mantle: a photo of MacLeod with a young girl, 1952. MacLeod moves through: A GEORGIAN DINING AREA [Joe:Stepping through his dimensional portal, he re-emerges in the deep south.] Queen Anne table, silver candlesticks, tapestries on the wall. He enters: [Josh:Okay, he's rich. Thank you. We get the point.] AN ULTRA-MODERN KITCHEN [Eli:Complete with robotic handwashers!] Loosening his tie, he fixes a drink and walks out. [Joe:And who says being immortal would be sad and lonely?] [Josh(MacLeod)Now that I've shown you my house, let's go back to the living room for a nightcap.] CUT TO: MACLEOD entering his silver room. Elegant and oval. Fabric walls. Sofas, tables, displays of ancient artifacts: [Eli:(MacLeod)Here's my built-in museum...] On one wall, like spokes of a wheel: 13 broad swords. [Joe:(MacLeod)One for each day of the week---no, wait...one for every day of the month---no, wait...heck, I just LIKE bad luck!] Beside them, a bronze shield, claymore and cloak -- the black-and-yellow tartan of the Clan MacLeod. [Josh:Shoudln't he have turned those in when they banished him?] Sipping his drink, he sinks into a sofa, eyeing a glass case lit by pin-spots. Inside: An ancient sheepskin doll. [Eli(MacLeod)I'm very protective of my dollies...] A 16th century catalan feathered hat. A rusty anvil and tongs. [Joe:(MacLeod)When I'm not chopping heads, I like to unwind with a round of blacksmithing!] MacLeod stares at the anvil and tons, remembering: [Josh:And...CUE THE FLASHBACK!] CUT TO: RED-HOT IRON IN TONGS [Joe:Hey, robot porno! All right!] crashing onto an anvil in a sweltering blacksmith's forge. It's 1541. [Eli:Just in case you still care, at this point.] Wielding a hammer, streaked with grime and sweat, [Joe:...stands Daryl Hannah.] [Josh:...is Efrem Zimbalist.] [Eli:...swelters Dom DeLuise.] MacLeod pounds out a horsehoe, plunging it into water. HISSING STEAM. [Josh:(Steam)Booo! Hisssss! This movie bites!] In the five years since his banishment, he's filled out [Joe:His breasts are quite shapely, now, and--] [Josh whacks Joe on the back of the head, sending him sprawling onto the floor, once again.] [Joe:Hey, you're only supposed to do that once!] [Josh:Spasm.] [Joe:Right.] -- although he's lost none of his wide-eyed, youthful exuberance. [Eli:They make him sound like Gidget.] CUT TO: MACLEOD shoeing a mare outside. The forge clings to a crag. Miles down a precarious trail, the town of Jedburgh. [Joe:(as Elly May Clampett)Dad! You come here an' help me with them sheep!] [Josh(as Jed Clampett)Hold yer horses, I'm a'comin, I do have this whole here scottish village to run, y'know...] Up the hill, a 3-story stone house. From the house: HEATHER MACLEOD appears in sheepskins, bonnet and boots, carrying a basket. [Joe(Heather)I'm gonna give him this basket, and they say he has a devil, tee hee!] Full-breasted, lusty and apple-cheeked, she feeds geese, watching him. [Eli:Now, is this Heather or Conner, here?] HEATHER (waving basket) Pie and ale. D'you want it? [Josh:She's ASKING him if he WANTS ale?] Dropping his hammer, he grabs her buttocks, [Joe:(MacLeod)No, but I'll have some buttocks, if that's okay.] crushing her to him, grinning. [Josh(Heather)Ow! Ow! Uncle! Uncle!] MACLEOD All the time. [Eli:Was that an innuendo of some sort?] HEATHER (squealing) [Joe:Squeal, piggy!] You filthy sod. You're all muck and muscle. [Josh:(MacLeod)And your point is...?] MACLEOD Aye. The way you like it. [Eli:That'd be another innuendo of some sort, I guess.] He grins, kissing her. Stripping his apron, he dunks his torso in a rain barrel, shaking himself off like a dog. [Joe:And, he does all of that, while still maintaining his death grip on her buttocks!] [All clap enthusiastically.] She smiles. He's the loveliest man in the world. [Josh:This guy has fetishes about EVERY character!] CUT TO: MACLEOD AND HEATHER making love on the cliff-top in the grass. Remains of a picnic. [Eli:Sex is all that remains of the picnic?] [Joe:Well, once you're done with a picnic, what else is there?] Thunderheads soar over the mountains. A storm is com- ing. MacLeod kisses her. She responds [Josh:At this point, I'd like to thank the author for not being specific.] HEATHER You can do that forever if you like, my lord. Will you, Conner? MACLEOD Aye, blossom. I will. [Joe:He kisses her forever, she suffocates, the end. Bye!] [Joe gets up, and starts walking off screen, before being pulled back down by Josh.] [Josh:Sit still.] Foreign CURSES. Startled, they sit up. [Eli(foreign accent)Damn, did you see what they were doing? That means MORE Scots! Just great!] CUT TO: JUAN RAMIREZ climbing the trail to the forge. Olive skin, hawk nose, twinkling eyes, flashing teeth. Flintlock pistol in his belt, crossbow across his back. [Joe:Hey, Henry Jones Sr.!] [Eli:He's like a cross between Santa and Long John Silver!] [Josh(Ramirez)Sorry, am I interupting anything?] Strapped to his side, a Samurai sword, carved hand- guard, razor-sharp, feather-light. [All: WE KNOW!] Overheated in cloak, pantaloons, feathers and gloves, [Eli:I cannot believe they just said "pantaloons"!] he clambers higher, swooning with fatigue. [Joe:(Ramirez)Oh, Fatigue! Kiss me!] ANGLE Dragging himself to the top, he mops his brow. Seeing the peasant couple before him, he bows, hat sweeping the ground. RAMIREZ Greetings! I am Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez, Chief Metallurgist to King Philip II of Spain. [Josh:(Juan)And you are--well, mostly naked.] (clicks heels) [Eli:(Juan)Heil Hitler!] At your service. HEATHER Who -- ? [Josh:(Juan)Juan Sanchez Pancho-Villa Speedy Gonzales Zorro De La Lick Me.] Ramirez sees stars, looking down the trail. RAMIREZ My God, man. That's a climb! [Joe:(MacLeod)Yes, but you get used to her after a while.] [Josh shakes his head annoyedly.] Breathless, he replaces his hat, adjusting frills and furbelows. [Joe:(uncomfortably)Furbelows...?] [Josh:Juan Ramirez, Gay Knight!] MACLEOD What do you want? RAMIREZ Conner MacLeod [Eli(Heather)Well, you'll just have to wait your turn!] MACLEOD Maybe you've found him. RAMIREZ The same Conner MacLeod wounded in battle and driven from his village five years ago? [Josh(MacLeod)Yep, that's me. What can the Prince of Darkness and I do for ya, then?] The Spaniard narrows his eyes. Something seems to seize MacLeod. He clutches his chest, unable to beathe. Heather's alarmed. [Joe:Look, now is not the time to pull the "I'm dying so give me mouth-to-mouth!" routine, MacLeod!] HEATHER Conner? MACLEOD (gasping) Heather, go in the house. [Josh:(MacLeod)Get me my heart medicine! It's in the liquor cabinet.] (she hesitates) Do as I say, woman She backs up the hill and goes inside. Ramirez flashes wall-to-wall teeth. THUNDER reverber- ates down the valley. [Eli(Juan)My smile controls the elements, see?] RAMIREZ (re Heather) A beautiful young woman. Is she your wife? [Josh(Juan)She'd better be, from what I saw.] (MacLeod nods) Sad. [Joe:(Juan)It breaks my heart to see people happy...] MacLeod's temples are in a vise. Ramirez opens his tunic, tracing: A SCAR FROM NECK TO HIP with elegant finger. [Eli:Oh, boy, what's going on?] RAMIREZ When I was young, a cart ran over me. I should have died. But the wound healed by itself. [Joe:(Juan)Of course, I have a cart embedded in my chest to this day, but still...] Stars explode inside MacLeod's head. The forge, the house, everything's spinning. [Josh:See, that's what happens when you build your house on a lazy susan.] RAMIREZ The sensations you feel. It is the Quickening. [Eli:(Juan)Well, that's what -I- call it, anyway...] THUNDER CRACKS overhead. The storm breaks. HOWLING WIND. Ramirez's eyes blaze with unearthly light. [Joe(Juan)Soon, I will teach you how to make your eyes like lasers...] MACLEOD (shouting) Who are you? [Josh(Juan, shouting)A friend!] RAMIREZ (shouting) We are the same, MacLeod. We are brothers. [Eli:(Juan)Dad really got around!] Lightning etches their silhouettes against the rolling sky. CUT TO: BRENDA [Joe:Still at police headquarters in the back of Kurgan's car...] moving through a squad-room toward: Moran on the phone, at his desk. Walls plastered with mug-shots. Steam pipes HISS & BANG. Seeing Brenda, he waves her to a seat with the receiver. SHOUTING on the line. [Josh(Moran)I don't care if there's a prowler in your house! What am I, the police?!] MORAN (into receiver) Listen, pal. My advice is, get a bigger one next time. One that'll bite him. [Joe:(chuckling)The audience will be pondering that sentence 'til the end of time...] He slams down the phone, eyeing Brenda. MORAN Here's what I'm dealing with. Guy calls up Homicide. Wants to swear out a complaint. His Viet- namese neighbor ate his dog. [Josh:Ahhh...] (a beat) How are things in Forensics? [Eli(Brenda)They're really dead!] [Josh:One time, a little boy used puns, and then he wandered into the woods, and they never saw him again, Eli...] BRENDA Dull. Come on. let's have lunch. [Josh:(Moran)Sure. I know this great Vietnamese restaurant. Their BBQ Terrier is FANTASTIC!] MORAN Who pays? BRENDA Me. Moran likes it. He puts on his coat. Thay head for the door. Brenda stops. [Joe(Brenda)Hey, wait a second, I just got taken, didn't I?] BRENDA Frank, I left my purse. Go ahead. I'll catch you by the elevator. Moran leaves. Brenda returns to the desk, opens a drawer, and finds what she's looking for: [Josh:Her tazer...] A bound, blue folder containing photos of Fasil's body, the sword, a copy of an interrogation report -- and: NASH'S MUG-SHOT It's the guy from the bar who fought the scarred giant. BRENDA [Eli:(Brenda)It's the guy from the bar that fought the scarred giant!] I'll be damned. Russell Nash. [Joe:(Brenda)Russell? He's named Russell?] She stares at the picture. Even in the harsh photo-flash, his face is compelling. The eyes, haunting, evoking time- less mystery. [Josh:Wow, even in photos, his eyes are omnipotently powerful!] Moran's phone RINGS. She jumps. [Joe(Brenda)AHHHHH! PHONE!] [Eli:I doubt she put "frightened by phones" on her Police Academy application...] Glancing around, she jots down Nash's address, shuts the drawer, gets her purse and heads out. [Josh:That's a lot of accomplishments, in one sentence.] CUT TO: YUNG DOL KIM [Joe:The Young Doll, Kim, sat on Brenda's bed. Brenda hadn't played with him lately.] Alone in a rising elevator. An oriental with mahogany skin, obsidian eyes, guard's uniform and cap, carrying a huge sword. [Eli:Well, hey, Hi, stereotypical sword-swinging oriental guy!] [Joe:He's gonna jump out at someone, screaming "BANZAI", while eating with chopsticks, and having his eyes slanted so much as to appear closed...] He watches the floor numbers, stops at 40. The doors open. He creeps out into: AN EMPTY, CARPETED HALLWAY Silence. Gliding past silent offices, he spots: A FIGURE WITH A SWORD IN AN ALCOVE [Eli:Damn sword, keeps getting lodged in the alcove!] Swinging, he slices off the figure's head. It rolls into the light. He stares down at it. It's plastic. He has destroyed a mannequin. [Josh:Mmm?] [Joe:What do you wanna do?] [Eli:(sarcastically)Let's go up to some building, and vandalize mannequins!] [Joe:(sarcastically)YEAH! Let's DO that!] Behind him, CROAKING LAUGHTER. Kim turns. The Kurgan appears with his weapon, amused by his little joke. [Josh:(Kurgan, laughing)The owner of the dummy's gonna be SO cheezed off at you, man!] KURGAN Such a brave warrior [Joe(Kurgan)Many a man's fallen to the Plastic Highlander...] (suddenly ice-cold) Let's see how you can handle the real thing. [Eli:Well, either way, we're gonna get TWO head-choppings in this scene, for the price of one.] The Kurgan charges, battering Kim into: [Joe:A bloody pulp?] AN OFFICE [Josh(Kurgan)You will file my taxes, and then you will DIE!] filled with rows of computer desks. The Kurgan goads Kim, side-stepping blows which SMASH files and phones. He's like a giant cat playing with a helpless mouse. [Joe:(Announcer)Kurgan's the big favorite in this match, I don't see how Kim can slip out of this one...] [Eli:(Announcer)But wait, here comes STONE COLD STEVE AUSTIN, AND THE HITMAN BRETT HART! I DON'T BELIEVE IT!] KURGAN you fight like an old woman, Kim. You're disgusting. [Joe:The scarred up roach-infested prostitute-hiring man's calling someone ELSE disgusting?] No longer amused, the Kurgan becomes a one-man wrecking- crew. He chases Kim, blitzing the office. The brilliance of his swordsmanship is staggering. unexpectedly: [Josh:Say it, SAY IT!] Kim drops his sword on the carpet. Behind him, through a window, the lights of Manhatten. [Eli(Kim)Behold, I will destroy you with the holy LIGHTS OF MANHATTEN!] KURGAN What are you doing? Pick up your sword. [Joe:(Kurgan)How many times have I told you not to leave your sword lying around?] KIM Tradition, once more? [Josh:The proud tradition of head-chopping. Kurgan's reluctant to break with it.] KURGAN It is all we have [Eli:(Kurgan)Well, that, and eternal life, women, money, tan Cutlasses...] KIM It's no longer enough. I'm tired, Kurgan. Four hundred years without release. Let's be done with it. I want peace. [Joe(Kim)Look, I hate it when you're difficult, just DECAPTITATE me, dammit!] KURGAN I will give you peace [Josh:Good trade, peace for his head.] [Joe:Sometimes you can't even get self-respect for your head, these days.] (raising sword) There can be only one. He cuts off Kim's head. A shimmering energy flashes between the corpse and Kurgan. [Eli:World peace could be accomplished in this way, I think.] [Joe:Sure. Gather together all the heads of state---then cut them off.] He starts to glow. Computer-screens EXPLODE. [Josh:Y2K!] From nowhere, a terrifying wind starts blowing. [Eli:El Niņo!] Pares fly. Water-coolers CRASH to the floor. [Joe:Slapstick!] The window IMPLODES, sucking Kim's body out into space. It falls 40 floors. [Josh(Kim)I'M OKAY!] CUT TO: MACLEOD AT HOME [Joe:That's a new show on TLC!] [Josh:(MacLeod)Now, today we'll be making Highland stew, and I'll be showing you how t'wash your clothes in sheep dip.] sharpening his Samurai sword with a jeweler's file before a CRACKLING FIRE. He's in his sunken lounge. [Eli:Now, if every room in his house is sunken, what are they sunken below?] On a coffee-table in front of him, a book: [Josh:The coffee table book, HEADS I'VE CUT, by Kurgan!] A METALLURGICAL HISTORY OF ANCIENT SWORD-MAKING BY BRENDA J. WYATT [Joe:In her spare time, Brenda has a pointless hobby.] He studies the smiling photo, reading the bio. The author does forensics work for the City of New York. Above him, fish swim in the aquarium. He watches them, mind drifting back through time. [Josh:The original title was "FLASHBACK: The Movie"...] CUT TO: RAMIREZ & MACLEOD In a boat, heading for an island in the middle of a loch. Resplendent in feathered hat, jewelled tunic, cape and boots, the Spaniard mans the oars. [Joe:Now back to the gay version of DragonHeart!] [Eli(Juan)You know, I know this great cafe, there's a bunch of guys....] Alarmed, MacLeod sits facing the Spaniard, white-knuckling his claymore. MACLEOD I don't like boats. I don't like water. [Josh:(MacLeod)And I don't like you. So, what's wrong with this picture?] I'm a man, not a fish. RAMIREZ You complain endlessly. I wonder if I'm wasting my time with you, brother. [Joe:He's a Charismatic immortal!] MACLEOD Stop calling me brother. You look like a woman, you stupid haggis. RAMIREZ Haggis? What is haggis? [Eli:He'll be sorry he asked...] MACLEOD A sheep's stomach stuffed with meat and barley. [Eli:Toldja.] RAMIREZ What do you do with it? [Josh(MacLeod)Uh, we call people it...] MACLEOD You eat it. RAMIREZ How revolting [Joe:(Juan)You should come to Spain, where you can get a good bowl of menudo!] Resting the oars, he takes snuff, inhaling deeply. LOUD SNEEZE. The boat rocks violently. MACLEOD (quaking) Be still, for God's sake. You'll tip us over. [Josh(Juan)Hey, we're immortal! Drowning's FUN!] RAMIREZ So? MACLEOD I can't swim -- you Spanish pea- cock. [Eli:This whole scene is written around MacLeod's colorful insults.] [Joe(MacLeod)Stop rocking the boat you, you european dung beetle!] Their angry voices carry across the lake. RAMIREZ I am not Spanish. I am Egyptian. [Joe(Juan)No, wait, Mandarin-Chinese! No, wait, British, I'm British...] MACLEOD You said you were from Spain. You're a liar. [Josh(Juan/James Earl Jones)Well, YOU said your finger was a gun!] RAMIREZ You smell like a dung-heap. You have the manners of a goat. And no knowledge of your potential. [Eli:(MacLeod)Aye, just the way my wife likes it.] Gleefully, Ramirez starts violently rocking the boat. [Joe:Now, here, we see a large "writers ran out of good ideas" hole.] [Josh:(Ramirez/Miyagi)You must learn BALANCE, Conner-san!] MacLeod is terrified. See-sawing wildly, he grabs for an oar. Ramirez suddenly throws him overboard. [Eli:(Juan)And besides smelling like a dung-heap, you sink like a rock---a filthy rock, too!] HUGE SPLASH. YELLING, MacLeod disappears, bobbing up, flailing his arms. MACLEOD Help me. I'm drowning. [Josh(deadpan)Help, OH, help, I am...drowning, I am.] Ramirez rows for the island. RAMIREZ You can't drown, you fool. You're immortal. MacLeod sinks in bubbles. Ramirez keeps rowing. [Joe(Juan)Row, row, row my boat, watching Conner drown, merrily merrily merrily, I won't even frown!] CUT TO: BRENDA [Joe:Oh, good, here comes Brenda to save him!] parking outside 1182 Hudson Street. Getting out of the car, she checks the address in her notebook. Across the street, the sign: R. NASH -- ANTIQUES [Eli:We've slashed prices down to the jugular!] She heads for the door. CUT TO: MACLEOD staring into the fire in the sunken lounge. A flashing light distracts him. [Josh:Staring at the fire takes a lot of concentration.] He flips a switch, hearing VOICES on the INTERCOM. FEMALE VOICE I'm sorry, Miss Wyatt. Mr. Nash is unavailable. [Joe:(Female Voice)He's in a meeting with his fireplace.] BRENDA'S VOICE I need to talk to him now. Can I call him at home? [Eli:(Brenda)Can I say "Nash, you're AT HOME!"?] Glancing at Brenda Wyatt's book on the coffee table, he gets up. He pushes a button that opens a door leading to the outer office. [Eli:Very modern antique shop...] [Josh:R. Nash Antiques: All the finest in space-age antiquities!] CUT TO: IN THE OUTER OFFICE RACHEL ELLENSTEIN, 52 Good-looking, business-like, in pant-suit and glasses, sits at a desk in Nash's shop, talking to Brenda. Antiques everywhere. RACHEL I'm afraid not. MacLeod appears [All:POOF!] MACLEOD Hi. [Joe(MacLeod)I'll be your Christopher Lambert, for this evening.] RACHEL This is Brenda Wyatt, Mr. Nash [Josh:Wyatt? Nash? One gets the feeling this started out as a Western, and then went horribly wrong.] MACLEOD (to Brenda) Ah, Wyatt. That's your last name. (turning) We've already met, Rachel. (to Brenda) What can I do for you. [Eli:Yes, he can do what for her!] [Josh:Here's a character for ya, kid. It's called "question mark".] Resolute, she takes a deep breath. BRENDA I'd like some advice. [Joe:(Brenda)I feel that I may be an immortal, and I need counseling.] MACLEOD Are you the kind of woman who takes advice. BRENDA That depends. She meets his gaze, ready for anything. He grins. Rachel enjoys the sparring. [Josh:What, is A.K.A. Karate on TV?] MACLEOD Advice about what? [Joe:Brenda)If you knew someone was a head-chopping freak, what would you do?] BRENDA What can you tell me about a seven- foot lunatic hacking away with a broadsword at one o'clock in the morning in New York City, 1985? [Josh(MacLeod)LOOK, I told you to FORGET that! What is wrong with you?] MACLEOD Not much. [Joe:(MacLeod)Heck, I just play cards with the guy.] BRENDA Then how about a Japanese sword made in 600 B.C.? [Eli:(Brenda)And how about ham? What do you know about ham? And paperclips?] (he frowns) The metal in the blade folded 200 times. [Josh:Not a very good sword, then...] [Joe:No wonder it's rare. The "Folds for easy carrying sword" was not an efficient weapon.] MacLeod shakes his head. This woman just keeps coming. [Joe:(starts to say something, then stops)Hey--eh, I'm not getting knocked on the floor again.] MACLEOD i don't deal in exotic weapons. [Eli:(MacLeod)All my weapons are wholesome family weapons!] [Josh(sleazy voice)LIVE nude weapons!] Taking her arm, he guides her to a display-case. MACLEOD Can I show you something in 18th Century silver? BRENDA That's not why I came here, and you know it. [Joe:Ooo.] She looks right into his eyes. Her closeness unsettles him. [Josh:(Brenda)See, now I can do things with MY eyes, too!] MACLEOD Do you cook? [Eli:(Brenda, chuckling)Well I don't like to brag, but yeah...] BRENDA Why? [Joe(MacLeod)Because I haven't had a woman in this era, yet.] MACLEOD I thought we might have diner [Josh:(MacLeod)I thought we'd open up a small restaurant.] BRENDA (provocatively) Did you? [Eli:Huh?] [Joe:Now, even -I- could not find a way to interpret that as an innuendo!] [Josh(Brenda, provactively)Were you thinking we'd have...potatoes?] MACLEOD Yes. He finds her aggressiveness sexy. Before he can speak, the street door opens. Bedsoe bursts in. [Eli:(Bedsoe)This is a bust! Drop your sexual tension and come out with your hands up!] Seeing MacLeod and Brenda, he turns away, scrutinizing a tapestry -- mermaids frolicking with sea-monsters. [Joe:Okayyyy, that is not the mental image art should give....] By the door, Macleod pauses at Bedsoe's elbow, contem- plating the garish creation. [Josh(MacLeod)That painting is called "Artist with Too Much Time on His Hands".] MACLEOD The Rape of Neptune's Daughter by the Fish Creatures. [Eli:(MacLeod)The movie version was better, really...] (Bedsoe blinks at him) Do you like fish? [Joe(Bedsoe)Not THAT much, no.] BEDSOE To eat, you mean? [Josh:(chuckling)Let's just soak the scene in filth, movie. Thanks.] MacLeod is gone. CUT TO: RAMIREZ On the island, by a CRACKLING fire, back to the loch. The boat's on the beach. [Eli:(Juan)--So, that's how I found out I was immortal. I'd always had immortal tendencies, really--hey where'd he go?] Bright sunshine. Stunning scenery. He enjoys the soli- tude, sword at his side on the ground. [Joe:It's at his side...razor sharp...and still japanese...] Behind him, 50 yards away, the lake surface swirls silently. Something is out there. A glowering head appears. [Josh:(MacLeod)Got my body bit off by an otter. I hope you're happy!] IT'S MACLEOD [Eli:Does he have the impression that the audience is dense?] [Joe(speaking slowly)It was MACLEOD. That GUY from the other scenes. You remember?] rising up out of the lake. Spotting Ramirez, he wades cautiously to the shore. Covered in duck-weed and slime, he draws his claymore, creeping silently to within feet of the Spaniard's back. [Josh:You could cut the tension with a wet paper towel.] Slowly he raises his sword in both hands high over Ramirez's head. He's going to cut the bastard in half. With all his might, he brings the sword down. Something incredible happens. [Eli:Thank you for your opinion, Mr. Widen...] Like lightning, without looking back, Ramirez grabs his Samurai, parries the blow and is up and facing him in one blind motion. [Joe:(deadpan, saracastic)Oh, wow, that is incredible!] MacLeod's claymore flies from his hands. RAMIREZ What took you so long? [Josh:(Juan)I expected you to try and kill me over an hour ago, where have you BEEN, man?] MacLeod watches his sword land on the beach 50 feet away. [Eli:(MacLeod)All this time I've been swinging it around--throwing is much more effective!] MACLEOD This can't be. It's the devil's work. [Joe:(MacLeod)I WOULD know.] [Josh:He must've caught this from Kate.] [Eli(Kate)Devil, devil, devil! Devil, devil, devil!] RAMIREZ (laughing) You numbskull! Clod! You're no better than the villagers who threw you out. Livid, MacLeod splutters water, staring back at the loch, trying to make sense of what's happened. RAMIREZ You cannot die, MacLeod. Accept it. [Josh(MacLeod, snivelling)B-but everyone ELSE gets to die!] 2 fish wriggle free from the Highlander's tunic, flopping to the sand. [Joe(MacLeod)This isn't what it looks like...look, THEY came on to ME, okay?] Scowling at the Spaniard, he wishes this cup would pass from him, suspecting in his heart it will not. MACLEOD (through his teeth) I...hate...you... [Eli:(Juan)That makes two of us!] RAMIREZ Good! it's a place to start [Josh(Juan)With time and training, you'll be able to LOATHE me, and then, if you're dedicated, you may even completely DESPISE me!] CUT TO: MACLEOD AND RAMIREZ SPARRING BY A WATERFALL CLANGING steel-on-steel. Rainbows of spray span the gorge. MacLeod is strong but awkward. Ramirez's Samurai SINGS in a brilliant display of swordsmanship. RAMIREZ No, no, pendejo. Protect your stupid head. MacLeod thrusts. Ramirez blocks. RAMIREZ Concentrate! You can survive anything but steel against your throat. [Josh:Well, now he'll have to lay off the cheap choker necklaces...] If your head leaves your neck, it's over. [Joe(MacLeod)Thank you, I wasn't aware that decapitation was fatal.] Bellowing, MacLeod strikes. Ramirez deflects the blow with ease. RAMIREZ Move your feet! (advancing) We must fight until only one remains. There can be only one. [Eli:(Juan)Which...ah...is why I'm training you to--why the hell am I doing this, anyway?] (shouting) Move your feet, I said! (ducking a swing) You are safe only on holy ground None of us will violate that law. [Josh:(Juan)We will never fight in pubs, bars, or any establishment which sells alcohol--that would be sacrilege!] Exhausted, MacLeod staggers. Ramirez taunts him, jabbing him in the butt. [Joe:No, don't, you'll kill him! That's where he KEEPS his head!] [All chuckle.] MACLEOD (yelling) You over-dressed haggis. [Eli:More fun insults from MacLeod!] I'm going to split you in half. Swinging his claymore, MacLeod goes berserk, missing Ramirez altogether, smashing brush, demolishing trees. [Josh:Quick, call the EPA!] Finally, he collapses, gulping for air in the grass. Ramirez stands over him. RAMIREZ Get up! [Joe:(Juan)I haven't told you how pathetic you are, yet!] MACLEOD Go to hell. I've had enough. The Spaniard's expression changes. Switching tack, he sits beside his young charge, watching the THUNDERING falls. RAMIREZ You must fight. You must learn to keep your head. On you may depend the fate of mortal men. MACLEOD I don't care. i don't want it. [Eli:(MacLeod)I'd never use it anyway. YOU take it.] RAMIREZ None of us chose it. [Josh:(Juan)We all get it in grab bag sales.] MACLEOD Then how did it happen, for God's sake? RAMIREZ How does the sun know when to come up? [Joe(MacLeod)Uh...haggis?] Ramirez points to SQUIRRELS CHATTERING under an oak. [Eli(Juan)How do they know when to make those sounds?] RAMIREZ Those squirrels all look alike. [All:BIGOT!] MacLeod frowns. [Josh(MacLeod)I think you need sensitivity training...] RAMIREZ But once in a while, one is born different. With blue eyes. And fur white as snow. [Joe(Juan)And everywhere that Mary went, that squirrel is sure to go.] Others of its kind try to destroy it or drive it away. [Eli(Juan)So, my point is, you're a blue-eyed Albino rodent. 'Kay?] Flicking a bee off his pantaloons, he moves into the oak's shade. The squirrels scamper away. RAMIREZ You must learn to conceal your special gift. [Josh(Juan)So try not to get stabbed in public.] To harness your power. (a beat) Until the time of the Gathering. [Joe(Juan)When our set of cards will be complete!] MACLEOD What gathering? RAMIREZ Questions, questions. Too much talk. [Eli(Juan)Not enough head-chopping. I'm getting bored.] Slicing the air with his Samurai, he waves MacLeod up. MACLEOD I'm not moving. RAMIREZ Then I'll cut you where you sit. [Josh:Ouch.] Wearily, MacLeod rises. The Spaniard advances, pounding MacLeod backwards. RAMIREZ It is said that when only a few of us are left, eons from now, we will feel an irresistible pull to a faraway land -- to fight for the Prize. [Joe:(Juan)Until then, we merely bide our time, and dress like women.] CUT TO: MORAN [Eli(Moran)I've GOT to change my name...] smoking a cigar at his desk in the squad-room. Before him, a copy of the New York Times. Headline: [Josh:Twelve Heads Found in Duffel Bag!] HEAD-HUNTER STALKS NEW YORK Bedsoe slumps in a chair. [Joe(Bedsoe)Well *hic* I'm drunk. Now what?] MORAN (to Bedsoe) You're sure it was Brenda? [Eli(Bedsoe)Yep--ah, she's the one who's choppin' heads.] BEDSOE In Nash's shop. Talking to him. [Josh:As her superiors, they are concerned that she's been doing things.] MORAN (half-smiling) That ballsy broad. [Joe:*shudders* Let's NOT say that about Brenda, please...] [Josh:(Moran)She's male-like, and it's lovable.] I never know what's going on with her. (thinking) What did she and Nash talk about? Did he say anything? [Eli:(Moran)DO anything, BE anything? Anything?] BEDSOE Yeah. He asked me if I liked fish. MORAN Fish -- ? [Josh:(Moran, idiotic voice)Dahhhhhh...what are f-fish?] [Joe:We gone!] [Eli:Don't say that, Joe.] [1...2...3...4...5...6...Hex.] [Scene shows Josh and 'bots on the bridge of the SSOL, Josh is at a laptop computer, the 'bot looking over his shoulder.] [Joe:So, this guy Joel Robinson wrote a guide for being trapped in space?] [Josh:Yep. Virtually everything you need to know about being trapped in space is on this website.] [Eli:Really? What's a good snack to eat while being trapped in space?] [Josh:Well, let's see here...Joel recommends hamdingers.] [Cindy:Hamdingers?] [Josh:I just read it...] [Cindy:What do you do when you're trapped in space with one stupid pile of flesh, and two stupid mounds of talking electronic refuse?] [Josh:Well, let's see---Joel says you make only rare appearances in the theater, if at all, and pop up irregularly every so often, and---HEY!] [Red console light flashes.] [Josh:Dr. Masters is calling. Go ahead, Dr. M.] [Joe:How about when you're a robot trapped in space?] [Eli(looking at screen)Say "Danger, danger!" a lot.] [Movie Lot] [Dr. Masters:How is it so far? Any pain, mental anguish, intestinal discomfort, internal parasites? Botch of Egypt? Emerods?] [SSOL] [Josh:No, no...emerods, and I'm feeling fine. Any chance you could just let me go? The movie's half over, and it's not working.] [Movie Lot] [Dr. Masters:Well, I suppose, since you asked nicely---NO! Back in the theater!] [SSOL] [Joe and Eli are moving around, waving their arms erratically.] [Joe:Danger Josh Graham! Danger, Danger!] [Eli:Danger, Danger!] [Josh looks at screen] [Josh:No, that guide for robots wasn't written by JOEL Robinson, it was written by WILL Robinson! And it only applies if you've got an evil cravenly doctor on board.] [Joe:Danger--Oh. We really need to read all the fine print and asterisk in those guides...] [Eli:I'm getting the guide to humans by I, Robot...] [Alarms sound and lights flash.] [Josh:Now we've got MEDIA SIGN!] [Eli:Danger, Danger!] [Hex...6...5...4...3...2...1.]