First of all, when I look back at my previous way of life and especially at "my ministry," I see several hard truths:
1. I was using "ministry" to make myself look good, feel worthy, attempt to earn God's love and the approval of my fellow humans. WRONG MOTIVES.
2. I incorporated tragic false beliefs about myself and God and passed these on to others in a way that I now consider to have been religious abuse. I feel at the moment like I will be doing penitence for this (not because God hasn't forgiven me, but because I owe it to my fellow humans to make amends where I can) for a long, long time......maybe the rest of my life.
3. I believed that only being at the very top of the pile in terms of evangelistic zeal, doctrinal purity and missionary success would make me "just good enough" to be in the Kingdom of God.
4. Much of what I believed was inspiration from and communication with the Holy Spirit was actually communication with my insiders.
5. Religion replaced relationship/s in much if not most of my life. I didn't have a clue that was happening, much less how to correct it.
6. Religion is poison in the hands of an abuser. That's how I learned religion, and that's how I received it, therefore, from others who never intended to be abusive. In this sense, I believe religious abuse can be self-perpetuating.
That much about the past.....
About the healing:
1. I found it impossible to believe or accept that God loved me until I gained a sense of selfhood and therefore a measure of self-esteem. What I mean by that is that as long as I didn't believe I was real, God's love meant nothing to me.
2. I equated God's love with abuse, just like I equated any other love with abuse. It took very concrete acts and demonstrations of love to me by trusted brothers and sisters in the faith to give me any idea of what God's love was really like.
3. Forgiveness has been a *result* and NOT a *prerequisite* for healing. As I have healed, I have been able to let go of certain people and events for real, instead of just mouthing the "f" word. This is a long and still ongoing process that probably won't end this side of eternity.
4. When I was completely unable to participate in church or personal spiritual life or disciplines, it really *was* enough to just come and warm a pew. I learned that it was okay to come and sit and cry all the way through a service (although I must add that I had to "teach" my friends what I needed and *didn't* need from them at such times, such as NO laying on of hands, NO exorcism, NO shouting, but YES hug and pray), or to come and sit there and write in my journal all through the service. This brought me some confidence and trust, at least in my own church; it took a lot longer for me to feel safe in a different church.
5. One of the most liberating discoveries was the realization that God is big enough and strong enough to withstand the full force of all my feelings--all my anger, doubt, fear, anguish, grief......and all the questions, phrased exactly as I felt them--without being bowled over or, for that matter, even a tiny bit shocked! I discovered I could swear at God and no lightning bolt would strike me! After all, He knew what was in my heart, so what difference did it make whether I said it out loud or not?
6. Religion and spirituality are antithetical a lot of the time. I abhor religion with a passion--all the traditions and most of the beliefs I once held dear, I now despise. I participate in some religious traditions because it's not worth the trouble of fighting them and causing problems, but there are many others I shun.
About ministry, and the fire and excitement......
1. There were times when I would *gladly* have turned my back on God, but He loved me too much to let me go! There were too many instances in my life where I *knew* God was at work for me to deny His action and love for me.
2. There have been times during the t and healing process where God has used me even though I was actively doubting and questioning Him and His work even as He did it! His work is quite independent of any goodness or skill on my part. That was/is a hard lesson to learn.
3. The fire and excitement have come back for me, but in a very different form. My traditional-type evangelistic zeal has turned into.....hmmmm, having a hard time finding the words....I guess I'd call it a very NON-traditional evangelistic zeal. I have a burning desire for real healing and revival within the church. I want to see religion shunned in favor of real love for God and one's fellow human. I want to see good old "American religion" thrown out the window in favor of really bringing God's love and healing and mercy to those who need it most.
I guess I could illustrate it this way: I believe that if Jesus were on earth today, He would first kick all us nice religious believers in the @$$ for so perverting His message and thereby blocking the Gospel from those who need it most. He would knock us on our heads for feeling so cozy in our churches and our political action committees and our TV and radio stations and our "proper way of life" that has left so many of us looking down our noses at those "evil awful sinners"........I believe He would blister our ears just like He did the ears of the Pharisees and Sadducees.
Then I think He would hit the biker bars and gay clubs and have a wonderful but HOLY time with all those "dirty icky people" at whom we "believers" turn up our noses.......Showing them REAL love, REAL forgiveness, REAL transforming power to heal and restore their broken hearts and lives.
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