Recently we installed a new pastor in our church-not an extraordinary event in itself, but nonetheless a very important event for me. I recognize my pastor as a spiritual leader, and I'm afraid of leaders. My experience is that people in leadership take advantage of and hurt weaker people, using their authority as a weapon. In short, my experience is that people in authority abuse the people for whom they are supposed to care.
Of course, that is not the mindset of a rational adult. It is a voice speaking from my childhood, where I was terribly hurt by persons in "authority."
The exact details of how I was hurt don't matter. You as a pastor undoubtedly have people in your congregation who could fill in the blanks with their own life stories. Suffice it to say that I lived with physical and sexual abuse, mental illness, substance abuse, death and desolation. One of the abusers was a minister. Others were in my family. Another was a teacher at school. Another was a trusted adult in my church. I felt like I had a sign on my forehead that said, "Here I am; hurt me."
As I write these words, it has been six years since I first realized something was wrong in my soul/psyche, and over five years since I started remembering the past-or, better said, to see aspects of my past in a different light: A light of truth that came from realizing, "THAT WAS ABUSE." I have spent six years trying to communicate the scope of my pain and the hope of healing. Language cannot do justice to the depth of my injury. NOTHING can adequately express the pain-not writing, music, art, prayer; not other, more destructive kinds of expression. NOTHING is adequate to illustrate or narrate the pain and suffering of a child who was tormented by the very people who were supposed to love, cherish and protect her.
Although I have an excellent therapist who continues to help me negotiate the path to healing, the process has been agonizing. I spent years wanting to be dead-not to die; the idea of dying frightened me too much, most of the time, to actually want to take my life. But I wanted to be dead, numb, anything to be free of the hell in my head. Sometimes I did hurt badly enough to want to DIE; those were the most frightening times. I spent many sleepless nights at the mercy of terrifying memories and lost in grief over my shattered life, repeatedly reliving the abuse and its consequences.
During that time, I was most fortunate to have a pastor who was willing to walk through the dark valley with me. He knew next to nothing about sexual abuse and less about psychotherapy, but he knew I was suffering and so he did what he knew how to do. He prayed, and he loved me. He showed me by his commitment and conduct that not all leaders are power hungry ogres, to be feared and avoided. He earned my trust over nearly five years by showing compassion and respect. He listened to my questions about God and the world, sat with me through many battles I fought to keep my faith. He did not question my sometimes strange or childlike distorted worldview, because he believed that a changed worldview and faith in God would be the result of healing, not a prerequisite. He never told me, as so many others had, that I had to forgive or I would never heal. He knew I was biblically literate and wanted to serve the Lord, so he trusted the Holy Spirit to change me. He never tried to shame me or force me to "speak forgiveness" I didn't feel or believe.
This man knew he wasn't a mental health professional, and so did not try to advise me on psychiatry or psychotherapy. I was so damaged by so-called "Christians" that I would never have utilized a "Christian" therapist. He respected my decision and never told me a scare story about my spiritual life being in danger because of supposed "mind control" enacted by a "secular humanist" therapist. My pastor did what he knew how to do: He prayed. He loved me. He listened with compassion and empathy to my story, and, most importantly, he BELIEVED ME. He validated the reality we both saw behind the nebulous and terrifying memories. He believed in my sanity when I was convinced I was crazy. He showed himself to be trustworthy when I was afraid to be alone in the same room with him.
My pastor was by no means perfect. He made mistakes, such as keeping me out of an area of ministry that was vital to my healing. When he knew he was leaving, he did not make the effort to help us both find closure to our relationship.
But I know he loved me, prayed for me, believed God could heal me, that I wanted healing and that I deserved to live. I shudder to think where I might be today if it were not for him.
His departure was a great loss for me, but not nearly as frightening as getting to know and trust our new pastor. He seems like a very nice man, loves children, was receptive when I told him a little about my past. He's quiet and respectful of my fear and my need for a safety zone. He didn't give any pat answers, demand that I speak forgiveness to my abusers as soon as he heard my story, or threaten me that I would never be healed until I forgave everyone who hurt me. He's probably "okay," meaning genuine and safe. In fact, he might be as much a gift from God for my life as my former pastor was.
But I don't know that yet. I have learned, at great cost, to be cautious about trusting leaders. My new pastor has to pass a lot of tests and get around a lot of my inner barriers before I will really trust him.
If my new pastor were to ask me for advice on how to relate to someone who was abused as I was, this is what I would tell him:
1. BELIEVE HER: Even if it sounds too awful to be true; even when she tells conflicting versions of the same story (she might really remember it in conflicting ways); even if you know the perpetrator and always thought he was a "great man of God" or "an upstanding citizen;" even if you think or know she has lied before; even if she doesn't believe herself.
2. DO NOT JUDGE HER. It is not your responsibility to discern the accuracy of her memories. It does not matter whether she has legal "proof" of her abuse. Healing of traumatic memories does not require absolutely accurate recall of events (which scientists are beginning to believe is impossible anyway). Furthermore, an abuse/trauma survivor will often have distortions in her memories due to her age at the time of the experience and the trauma involved.
3. NEVER IMPLY SHE WAS AT FAULT. Abuse is always the fault of the perpetrator. This is especially true in cases of sexual abuse. One of the most common things perpetrators do is to say or imply that the abuse was the victim's fault. This is simply not true. When a person, especially one in a position of power or authority, sexually or violently intrudes upon another person, the result cannot be considered consensual. This is obvious when discussing the case of a child abused by an adult, but can become confusing in less clear-cut cases, such as sexual aggression on the part of a sibling or schoolmate. There is always an element of coercion involved, an imbalance of power.
4. DO NOT TOUCH HER WITHOUT PERMISSION. No handshakes, no hugs, no pats on the back, and especially no laying on of hands in prayer, especially on the head. You might mean to be loving and encouraging, but she might receive a very different message, especially if she has been struggling with flashbacks, which sometimes make it difficult to discern between past and present. Your touch might feel authoritarian or intrusive. You don't have to touch her to pray effectively for her. If she would like to touch you, even if only for a handshake or a hug-allow her to take the initiative. If you are unsure as to her preferences, it is better to ask than to make assumptions.
5. DO NOT ASK FOR DETAILS. You will put her through unnecessary pain and subject yourself to material that might come back to haunt you in the form of voyeuristic fantasies. If she needs to tell details, do not ask for more or less than she wishes to tell. If you find you are having a problem handling the details, and if you don't get relief from them in your private prayer life, that's a sign that you need to see a counselor or therapist. DO NOT burden her with your struggle. That is inappropriate and could be devastating to the survivor, who might well blame herself for "causing your problem," or worse still, experience what you say with good intentions as yet another episode of abuse.
6. BE AWARE OF HER PROBABLE NEED FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP. Very few pastors are trained mental health professionals, and the complex issues many survivors face require special counseling or therapeutic skills in order for them to recover. There are relatively few therapists or counselors who utilize an overtly biblical approach, but this does not need to frighten the Christian away from psychotherapy or psychiatry. Most therapists will support one's faith or at least adopt a neutral stance in spiritual matters. They will generally agree that some form of spiritual life is important to mental health, but will regard that topic as being outside their area of expertise. This is where a loving and supportive pastor and/or church family can play a vital role in the survivor's healing, by giving her a safe environment in which to explore her relationship with God.
7. BE HER PRAYER WARRIOR. This does not mean praying in a loud or dramatic manner in her presence, nor does it mean you should seek to heal her by performing exorcisms. While I make no claim to special understanding of the spirit world, I have discovered that many abuse survivors have been labeled as possessed or "oppressed," whatever that might mean, only because they confided in someone who would rather not believe that humans could be so evil. Another scenario which I have both experienced myself and had reported to me from others is a formal "exorcism" attempted when the survivor expressed strong or socially unacceptable emotions, such as anger or panic.
If you believe you can discern the work of evil spirits in the life of a survivor, then fight them in the privacy of your prayer closet. Do not burden the survivor with your impressions, for it would most likely only increase her fear and feelings of guilt for "being evil." Do not share your impressions in detail with anyone else, either, for to do so would be a breach of confidence, in the eyes of the survivor and possibly also of the law.
Being a survivor's prayer warrior means that you are willing to bring her into God's throne room whether or not she is willing or able to do so herself. It means making a commitment to be her spiritual shelter at a time when a terrible storm is raging in her soul. It means being silent when you are tempted to give answers that neatly fit your theology but which she finds unacceptable, and instead going before the Lord to ask His Holy Spirit to heal and enlighten her heart.
8. DO NOT PRESSURE HER TO FORGIVE. It has been my experience that forgiveness of a perpetrator is a product of healing, not a prerequisite. Jesus stated clearly that if we want Him to forgive us, we must forgive others. But I have found the reactions of fellow Christians in whom I have confided to be odious. The initial response of these believers to my story was often, "Well, you have to forgive, or you'll never be healed!" This was often followed with the demand that I "speak forgiveness in faith" as a "decision of my will", after which the spiritual world and then my emotions would fall into line. I never understood this approach. What was so special about my confiding in this particular sister or brother in the Lord that I HAD to forgive NOW, or else….?
Time or distance does not bind the Holy Spirit. He does His healing work in our hearts, both opening us to the possibility of forgiveness and transforming us so that we become able and willing to forgive. In other words, forgiveness is not a decision of human will, but rather the product of a sovereign act by the Holy Spirit. Forgiveness is the result of healing on two levels: The psychic level, which heals as painful emotions are expressed and adequately validated, and the spiritual level, which is a supernatural act of God. Both areas of healing often defy words and logic, and they take time. Trust the Lord to do the healing work in the survivor's life, even though it might not be according to your timetable.
9 ABSOLUTELY NEVER INITIATE OR PERMIT AN INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP. Aside from the fact that adultery is sin, there is a particular dynamic at work, as well. You, as a pastor, are an authority figure in the survivor's life, so if you initiate or accept an intimate relationship-which doesn't just include sex, but any kind of secrecy or "specialness" in how you relate to the survivor-you are recreating the abuse dynamic in her life. Instead of being a helper, you become another abuser. This is especially important if you are also counseling the survivor, because the relationship between counselor and client is even more intense and potentially devastating if it is abused.
10. BE PREPARED TO BE TESTED REPEATEDLY. A survivor of sexual abuse, especially if she was abused in early childhood, has a damaged or absent sense of basic trust. She will not trust you easily or quickly. Even if you develop an intense counseling relationship with her, she might test your credibility and trustworthiness long after you think such issues are resolved. The old adage, "Once bitten, twice shy," often applies here. Someone who has been badly hurt by a trusted person rarely trusts again without substantial proof of the new person's safety.
On the other hand, you might find that a survivor trusts too quickly and trusts the wrong people, thereby reenacting familiar abusive dynamics. This can be both frustrating to the healing process and dangerous to all involved, since it can mean that the survivor chooses abusive people for her intimate relationships.
As a pastor, you might find that a survivor becomes a very devoted "fan" as well as, or instead of, a loyal church member. If, like my former pastor, you find that you have become vitally important to a survivor's well-being, it is important to explore that mindset with her to make sure she does not have an exaggerated view of you or your influence in her life. My former pastor was very humble toward me, downplaying his role and pointing out how much healing I had done on my own by God's grace. He was careful not to name himself as the "voice of God" for my life, because he realized that I would interpret such a statement as a power ploy.
11. CELEBRATE THE GOOD TIMES. Survivors sometimes get accustomed to feeling bad so much of the time that they disbelieve or discount the good times. It helps when you can validate her strengths and successes, and it's even better when you can provide her with opportunities to succeed in an area where she is gifted. Every positive experience helps to counteract the messages of failure and "badness" that often haunt her memories. Every validation you can give is a brick in the building of her new, healed life.
Mosaic Minds--A Site for All Who Live With Dissociative Disorders
