The Jiminy Page

If this page has offended you, i would like to advice you not to go any farther in this parallel universe i have created,since i am not responsible for how not responsible you are if you have been not responsible by coming to this site.any idea on this site is only that, an idea. you should never (always)really hurt any other creature on God's green earth. unless, you know, they like deserve it or something.if you do not believe in God, the previous statement does not apply to you but the following one does: i hope you enjoy your heathenous ways while they last for soon the Lord will release the cheese peoples from their prison and they will take you away to a place where Barney the dinosaur forces you to submit to his impure ways. if you have not yet been offended, please hang up and try again.

Ways To Test Your Jiminy For Perishability

• Put him in the microwave
• Start Jiminy on fire
• Throw mass quantities of rocks at Jiminy
• Put Jiminy in a large Ziploc bag and seal it tightly
• Repeatedly kick Jiminy in the head
• Make Jiminy eat batteries
• Wrap Jiminy in aluminum foil and put him in the toaster
• Tie Jiminy to the garage door and hit the button to open it
• Use a large crane to lift Jiminy high into the air and make a game of trying to drop him in a wheelbarrel
• Make him wear a brown suit and antlers while running through the woods during deer season

How To Properly Enjoy Your Jiminy

• Beat Jiminy savagely with a shoe
• Force Jiminy to snorkel in the toilet
• Drop a heavy boot on Jiminy's Mr. Sparkles
• Wake him up by letting rabid squirrels loose in his cage
• Tell Jiminy the phone is for him and when he reaches for it smack him upside the head with it
• make him pick the dead mosquitos out of the bug zapper-while it is plugged in
• Tell Jiminy to rake the yard then punish him with a cattle prod for hurting the leaves
• Dare Jiminy to play chicken with a wall.
• Lock Jiminy in the basement and tell the Exterminator that you have a roach problem
• Instead of the alphabet, make Jiminy recite the numbers backwards

Jiminy Cautions

• Jiminies have been known to chew on gas lines and electrical cords
• Jiminies are house-trained but find carpet to feel more soothing than toilet paper
• Jiminies have a natural obsession with dead animals and will hide them all over your house
• Jiminies,like dogs, will hump your leg or any other stationary object
• Jiminies do not respect the personal integrity of other household pets,therefore you should have them neutered
• Although Jiminies do resemble humans, you should never let one leave it's cage without proper authorization
• Jiminies are known carriers of th Jiminy Virus. Syptoms are being gay,stupid,or suddenly having the urge to mate outside of your species
• If Jiminies are fed cheese, they often become agressive and run headfirst into the bars of their cage until death
• If your Jiminy is out of control say the word hamper. Jiminy will drop what he is doing and repeat this word until he gets bored or passes out.
• Choose the word in number 9 very carefully. Jiminies don't get bored often