Houjun, oh, Houjun, what have you done to yourself? Too much sadness, too much hurt... Though the words mean nothing now... I... I’m sorry...

I knew I caught a glimpse of you disappearing into the woods that day and I was so scared. I hurried after and I found a little flower whose stem had been crushed, as if someone’s fist had been clutching it tightly. I held onto it and cried and cried. Hikou tried to comfort me, but he was crying too. I felt like such a fool. Had I really just thrown away what mattered the most to me in the entire world? I wanted to die; I wanted to kill myself. Your devotion to me was wonderful, and I...

I was a fool.

If there was any day that I would destroy, that I could make never have happened, it would be that day. If I had never kissed him, then you and I would be married right now... together... happy... and I would be alive... and you would love me again...

I’ll always wonder what our children would have looked like...

I’m so, so sorry, Houjun. I never meant for any of that to happen. I wanted you to be happy... I wanted Hikou to be happy... I wanted everything to be right, and in wishing for that, destroyed all of our happiness and my and Hikou’s lives. And yours, as well.

I wish I could just be held by you once more, to be able to rest my head against your chest and hear your heart beat. I always felt so safe. I knew you’d never hurt me, but I never knew why you loved me. I’m grateful though. Every moment I was with you, I was happy. Thank you.

Chichiri now, hm? I like Houjun better. You’ve changed a lot. You’re much older than you were, a lot less trusting. You’re the leader too, I see. That’s good. They need someone like you.

I don’t think you’re supposed to cry when you’re dead, but Houjun... I miss you so much. I want so much to apologize to you, to be able to look you in the eye and ask for your forgiveness. I would understand if you didn’t forgive me, but I think I know you too well. I know I hurt you, but even if you were still angry, you would say something to make me feel better. You are the gentlest man I have ever known.

You were my best friends, you and Hikou. But I only loved you. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, but I was so young and I didn’t know myself as well as I do now. Death teaches you a lot. You never know what you have until it’s gone. And now I see that I never loved Hikou... not like that.

Houjun, are you happy? Because that’s all I want. That’s all I ever wanted. I did a terrible job of showing you that...

You’ll probably want to know why I broke off our engagement. You must have thought... after you saw Hikou and I... since I told you the next day...

Well, it wasn’t because I loved him more. Because I’ve never loved anyone more than I love you.

I saw your dropped flower. I knew it was yours. No one else was ever so sweet. And when I saw it, I also saw the distinct difference between you and me.

I broke off the engagement because I knew I didn’t deserve you. You were the perfect man- I went behind your back and kissed your best friend. You were so sweet and gentle and loving and I didn’t want you to have to live with someone so terrible and unfaithful as I was. I loved you too dearly and I couldn’t force that upon you.

Live your life proudly, Houjun. I can’t change anything now, but I do love you. You don’t need to remember me. It’s enough that I remember you. I’m proud of you and I’m sorry for how much I’ve hurt you.

And I’ll always love you.
 
 
 

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