The tears wouldn't stop falling.

I was usually strong. This wasn't like me. Why had that small boy's death affected me so much?

I think I knew. Kourin, then Tamahome's family, and then this... everyone younger than me to whom I had been even slightly close was dead. My face was almost pressed into the bed, muffling my sobs. So much death, so much pain...

I shut my eyes, clutching the blankets with my fists, afraid to rip the material. I always had to keep my strength in check. I wished that just once I wouldn't have to worry so much. A wave of tears clouded my throat, choking me.

I was in my old room, the one in which I had lived before I married the emperor. It was safe here, my place of refuge. I had barely been in her room when we had left for Hokkan. Here was where I belonged.

It was my fault. I should have been there. I just could have sent Hotohori and Mitsukake, and then I could have been there...

But no. That was wrong.

Miaka was my first priority. No matter what, I had to protect her.

Hotohori was my second priority. And after Miaka was gone, she and our child would be the most important things. My life was to protect them, to live for them.

I took a deep breath, trying to still the tears. But Mitsukake could have been there. It was selfish of me to take him for her. The tears just kept falling.

The feeling I had gotten at his death reminded me strongly of my own brush with the afterlife. I could almost feel the claws ripping, tearing into my skin, destroying my flesh, the blood dripping out from me between his individual claws. I could feel the cold as it impacted places that should not be exposed to such conditions. I feel the needles of ice from his claws inside my lungs, quickly drowned out by the rush of blood. I could feel the agony as I coughed once, crimson from my lips staining my face, coming up from my throat, dazzling the snow with joyful color. I could hear the terror in Hotohori's voice as she screamed my name, see her outline rushing toward me as I fell for the last time, feel the gentle embrace of the snow as I landed.

The touch on my shoulder was so gentle that I almost didn't notice it at first. I pulled away slightly, pushing closer to the bed. The hand was drawn back and I heard the soft breath of my wife as she stood behind me, watching me silently before speaking. "I'm sorry." Her gentle voice was quiet.

I could hear the pain in her voice, could almost see it in the air. I wanted to do something to help, anything, but was unable to do much but cry. I just wanted to be held as a child might be, like when I was younger, as my mother would hold me.

But I was an adult now. I was married and I was soon to have a child. I had to be strong.

She sat beside me on the bed, reaching out a hand and touching my shaking back lightly, still quiet. I knew that she was unsure what to do. I was the one who dealt with emotions better.

I moved over slightly and buried my face in her lap, suddenly frightened to lose her, afraid that she might turn me away. I felt insecure, the brevity of life vivid in my mind. It was such a mood change from earlier. My hands clutched the blankets still. She moved her hand to my head, stroking my hair lightly, gently. "I'm so sorry, Nuriko..."

I was desperately trying to calm my sobs. I wanted to help her. Her fingers kept idling through my hair, gentle, sweet, and it meant so much to me.

I managed after a few minutes of her just stroking my hair to calm myself slightly. I slowly pulled myself up onto the bed beside her, the familiar contours of the room relieving me a bit. I kept my eyes down, but pulled her to me, embracing her gently. She hugged me back. I knew she didn't know what to say. It was all right. She didn't need to say anything.

My voice was tight, the shuddering breaths that come after you cry seeping up through my throat. "Are you all right?"

She nodded, silent.

I hugged her a little tighter. "Gomen... I'm here... if you want to cry..." I was forcing my own emotions down, away, forcing myself to be strong. I would be here for her if she wanted me. I would always be here for her.

She shook her head, moving slightly against me, her arms tightening around me in response. "Iie..."

I shut my eyes, quiet, leaning against her and drawing more strength from her than she could ever know, just her mere presence. I needed her so much. My voice was whispered, low. "It's late..."

Her voice matched mine. "Hai, it is."

I held her tightly, clinging to her for strength. It was late and soon it would be time to sleep.

The pictures of blood were so intense in my mind's eye that I did not let go of her as we made our way to our room. We were silent as we undressed for bed, silent as we lay down together, and silent as I took her in my arms to sleep, holding each other for comfort.

And the claws were back inside me, tearing me apart into small pieces, scattering me all over the snow. I watched helplessly as Hotohori screamed my name and I fell, and kept falling, reaching out for her as she grew further and further away. Blood was dripping from me, falling into oblivion, and I was too weak to touch anything, too far away to do anything, to comfort her.

Yet the claws were inside me, even as I lay bleeding, dying, on the invisible freezing snow, and everything was turning to black around me, and I was perched on his claws, suspended in the air, pressing nail to my lungs, blood everywhere, flowing from me like a fountain, staining Hotohori's face, destroying her, eating away at her skin, and I-
 
 

It was late. Darkness had taken hold of the room, wrapping it so tightly that no light shone in. But then, there was no light to be shed from anywhere. The moonless sky was clouded over so that even the stars were hidden under a heavy shroud of stifling grey. I lay awake, sleep just beyond my reach, as it had been for so many nights. I turned over, annoyed. I had thought the trouble I had been having sleeping would vanish once I was home in my own bed, but obviously I was wrong.

And so I lay awake, beside the sleeping form of my husband, my eyes shut in case he should wake up and look. And before my closed eyes, accusing faces and stares appeared, pointing at me, casting blame that I could not deny. Because it was my fault. Chiriko was dead. And it was my fault that Mitsukake had not been there to help him, my fault that his young life had to end so quickly. My eyes fluttered open to look at Nuriko briefly. His pain was my fault too. He had been protecting me when that creature had attacked us. His blood had been spilled because of me and despite me, all around me and onto my hands. My fault. Everything. All the pain, all the anguish. Because of me.

I shut my eyes again, trying to break away from these restless thoughts, trying to find sleep, but I was not allowed to. A sudden motion and fearful cry beside me caused me to sit straight up, looking around in fright. Nuriko sat beside me, body rigid and eyes wide, barely visible through the complete darkness. His body glistened with sweat, and his breathing was heavy, nearly panting, as though he had just been running.

The expression on his face frightened me. "Nuriko?" I whispered quietly, watching him worriedly.

At the sound of my voice, he turned his wide, frightened eyes to me and pulled me closely against him. I could hear his harsh ragged breath in my hear. He spoke, his voice tight, soft with barely held-back tears. "You're all right... you're all right..."

Cautiously, I wrapped my arms around him, holding him close, feeling his entire body shaking in my arms. He was terrified of something that I could not see, that I did not know. "Of course I'm all right..." My voice dropped even softer. "Nuriko..."

He simply held me, his breath calming slightly and his tense form relaxing. Whatever dark vision had clouded his eyes seemed to be passing, but still he repeated softly, "You're all right..." He let a small sigh escape into the still darkness and hugged me a bit tighter, but as always, carefully, gently, as though he were afraid of breaking me. I had seen what he could do; I had witnessed his strength on many occasions, but always with me he was soft, gentle. "I'm glad..." his voice trailed off.

Unsure what to say or do, I kept my arms around him, holding him and letting him hold me. Finally, I threw tact aside and simply asked, my voice barely a whisper in the night, "What happened, Nuriko? What's wrong?"

He shivered slightly. "Just... just... a bad dream." He shut his eyes tightly, his body going motionless once again.

I nodded in understanding, knowing the power bad dreams could have. Unconsciously, I pulled him closer to me, wanting to help, wanting to still the fear that chilled him, that made his eyes so wide with fright. "Are you all right?"

He pulled away from my and looked down, seeming to be embarrassed, as the shock of his dream wore off. "H-hai... gomen ne...." He sent me a quick, half-hearted smile through the darkness. I understood what he was doing; I had done it myself. He was afraid to let any weakness show, afraid not to be completely strong. "We should sleep... you really need it..." His eyes were not meeting my own.

I watched him a moment more through the dark of the room before glancing off to another spot in the blackness. Sleep, I knew, would not come to me so easily in any case. And his sleep had been destroyed by his nightmare. Quietly, almost talking to the night that surrounded me, I spoke. "It's all right to be afraid, you know..." I paused a moment, wanting again to tell him how much I loved him, how much I wanted to still the fear in his eyes. "I may not always know what to say... or do, but I'll always be here, to help, in any way I can." My eyes still watched the darkness and I briefly wondered if my eyes were closed. It was so completely and utterly black where I gazed that I could not tell for sure.

His arms were around me again suddenly, holding me silently for a moment. I wish I could have heard his thoughts, but they, of course, were known only by himself and the night around us. And then he broke the silence, voice soft. "You do..."

I did not argue with him, though I knew that I had not. I had only made things worse, had only caused all the pain that was around me. Keeping such thoughts to myself, I pulled away, kissing him lightly on the cheek. No other words were spoken as we both lay back down together. I moved closer to him, nearly lying against him, listening until his breathing became regular and sleep took him gently within its folds again. When I was sure that his slumber was deep enough that he would not wake, I shut my eyes and let myself cry silently, my tears slipping from my eyes and falling onto my hair as it lay spread on the snow white pillow.
 
 

I raised my hand to the door that led to the chambers my brother was occupying at the palace while we had been gone. My eyes drifted back to Hotohori. She stood a bit behind me, waiting for me to knock, not looking as comfortable as she could have.

A week had passed since our return. Somehow, things had changed slightly between us. There was something she was keeping from me, but I thought I knew what it was. It seemed obvious. There was a possibility that I was wrong about my suspicions, but it didn't happen very often- especially not with her.

I gave her a small smile and turned back, knocking lightly on the door. From inside, my brother's muffled voice called to us. "Hai!! Just a minute please!"

We waited a moment, my breath moving through my lungs softly as I exhaled. The door opened and Rokou opened the door with a rather silly grin on his face, looking a bit flustered and embarrassed. He blinked as he saw me in female clothing, then glanced behind me to my wife. His eyes returned to me again and his grin widened. "Ryuuen-chan! You're home early."

The look I gave him was more than slightly dirty. Not only was a married, I was going to be a father. I no longer needed that diminuitive attached to my name. "Yes," I said rather coldly.

He was still grinning at me. "Come in! Meet my wife!"

I stared at him a minute, then glanced back to Hotohori. Wife?

She blinked and raised an eyebrow at him. "I hadn't realized you were married..."

He gave her a shy grin. "We got married soon after you left... Her name is Houki..."

A little impatient to meet the woman who would lower herself to marry my brother, I said, "Then let us in, aniki, so we can meet her."

He smiled shyly again and stepped back. "I win," he whispered to me as I passed.

I felt more than saw Hotohori smile in amusement at us. "Congratulations, Rouko..."

I pushed past him to see the poor girl and then stopped and stared as I caught sight of her. I turned wide, surprised eyes to my brother, who looked more than slightly puzzled. "What's wrong?" he asked, a bit confused.

Hotohori was still standing in the doorway, her view obscured by my brother.

The girl in the room at whom I was staring was standing a bit away, smiling a bit nervously. I recognized her. She had been in the harem with me. We had exchanged greetings occasionally, but did not really know each other. Yet there was one thing about us, one thing that had always drawn me toward her- her resemblance to Kourin... and me. I gave my brother an odd look. "Aniki... she looks like me..."

Rokou blinked at me, giving me an odd look back. His eyes flickered to Houki and then to me, looking a little surprised. She was still smiling, looking confused and unsure.

Hotohori heard my comment and stepped in, glancing at her and then to me. "He's right," she confirmed, the amusement growing on her face.

I folded my arms over my chest, giving him a dirty look. "So she looks like me, but I'm definitely not more beautiful than Hotohori."

He still look stunned, quiet for a moment. "She doesn't look like you!" he protested, after thinking this through.

Hotohori smiled. "Yes, she does." She side-stepped the two of us and walked over to the girl. "Hello... I'm Hotohori, Rokou-san's..." She stopped, clearing trying to decide between sister-in-law and brother-in-law. "Well, I married to his brother." She smiled a bit. "Congratulations on your marriage."

I was still glaring at my brother. "I think there's something wrong with you."

"She doesn't look like you!!" he protested, starting to get annoyed with me.

The girl smiled, looking very unsure, her eyes straying to my brother and I, looking uncomfortably and understandably confused. I felt bad for a moment, but it didn't last. She may as well get used to me soon.

Hotohori glanced at us. "Don't mind them." Her sweet voice was gentle.

Houki nodded, still unsure. "H-hai..."

I glared at Rokou again and meandered over to my lovely wife, slipping an arm around her waist. "I still think I win."

He glared back. "It's unfortunate that you are wrong."

She sighed slightly, not bothering to hide the amused smile on her face. But I was glad. She had been so stressed and upset these past few weeks... it was nice to see her smile.

Houki was gazing at me with wide eyes, obviously caught by the resemblance as well. I vaguely wondered if she was questioning Rokou's reasons for marrying her and laughed to myself. Even Rokou wasn't that bad.

I made a noise to indicate that I was insulted, pulled away from Hotohori, taking Houki's arm in mine, and walked to the other end of the room, leaving Hotohori and Rokou together. "We'll leave the men to themselves..." I smirked at Hotohori over my shoulder as I walked.

She laughed and I was delighted. She shook her head slightly and turned to Rokou, giving him a slight grin.

Houki was a little surprised, needless to say, about what I was doing. "A... hai..." she agreed rather bewilderedly.

In a hushed voice, I whispered to my unwilling co-conspirator, listening in on Hotohori's and Rokou's conversation. "So he's treating you right?"

My brother gave Hotohori a puzzled look. "She doesn't really look like him... their hair is sort of the same color, but they don't look alike..." He was studying us, our heads bent together.

Houki nodded in response to me. "Hai... that is, he is. We're happy... at least I think he's happy. I hope so. He seems glad to see you." She was still unsure, as I had been at first with Hotohori, but they seemed to be a good match. She smiled shyly at me.

Hotohori laughed again, glancing at the two of us. "They look like sisters..." She blinked, a bit surprised by her own words. "Siblings... that is," she amended herself hastily.

I heard her comment and cast her a dark glare, then realized what that had meant. Even the person closest to me in the world thought I look like a girl. That meant I could pull off being the empress with ease. A smirk bloomed my face. I could do this. I could make this work.

Rokou frowned slightly. "Yes, Ryuuen-chan and Houki could pass as..." He stifled a smile. "Sisters..."

She was trying not to smile as well. "Sorry, Nuriko." But she didn't sound overly sorry. That was all right.

Houki laughed, a soft, sweet, innocent sound, looking toward me and then to Rokou, looking as she felt a bit less uncomfortable.

I nearly danced away from Houki, toward Rokou. I was happier than I had been for a while. "And, aniki, we have a surprise!" I announced gleefully.

He raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

Hotohori blinked. "What surprise?" A selective memory? I wondered if she was playing dumb or if she really didn't know what it was we had neglected to tell him.

Houki came over too, taking Rokou's arm and smiling at us. "Really?" It was odd. I had never seen my brother with a girl before. I shook my head slightly. "Here, Hotohori-sama, Nuriko-sama..." She gestured to a table and set of four chairs I the corner of the room. "I'll make tea...?"

I gave Hotohori a little, mischievous grin. "The big surprise, love." I turned my eyes up to Houki. "That would be wonderful, Houki-san."

Rokou looked confused. "Surprise?"

Houki moved away from us, presumably to make tea. Hotohori nodded, still a bit unsure about telling people. "Of course..." she trailed off.

I pulled out a chair for her, seating her, as Rokou sat down across from her, curious.

She raised her beautiful face to me, smiling, as Houki brought the tea over, serving it as a true maiden. I noted that she had the coordination, delicacy, and poise that I had never seemed to master.

I sat myself, resting an arm on the table, fawning over my wife because I knew that Rokou was watching. Rokou looked like he was anxious to know. "Well, heika-sama?" he asked, his curiosity piqued.

I reached out and took her hand, reveling in the delicate softness I found there. "Yes, heika-sama, tell them."

Houki sat at the last place, remaining quiet and proper. In some ways, watching her, I wondered if someone like her could have been better for Hotohori. She was graceful, beautiful, proper, modest... things that I was not. And it would not be hard to fall in love with Hotohori... And yet Hotohori loved me. But had that been the wisest course? I smiled slightly. Though not reassured, I was content.

Hotohori smiled, a little forcedly, at me. "Why don't you tell them? He's your brother..." She squeezed my hand meaningfully.

I raised her fingers to my lips, smiling sweetly. "But it's your difficulty right now, ne, Sai'ai?"

Rokou was definitely starting to get annoyed. I was enjoying this.

And yet Hotohori decided to stop torturing him. She turned her gaze to him and smiled slightly. "What Nuriko is trying to get me to tell you is that we're having a baby."

I smirked widely. "Who's we?"

Rokou suddenly smiled. "Oh, Ryuuen-chan, congratulations!" His face suddenly changed to one of stunned amazement. "I feel so old... My sweet little brother..."

Houki was smiling at both of us. "Oh, a baby! How wonderful!! You both must be so happy." I noted to myself that we had found a baby-sitter.

Hotohori smiled slightly, her voice quiet. "Hai."

I stifled at smirk, seeing my brother's face. "Of course."

Houki glanced at Rokou, seeming to wonder if he was just going to keep staring at us.

Hotohori, completely calmly and unaffected, sipped her tea silently.

"I still win," said Rokou, flustered, looking as if he were about to pout.

I glared, silent. Of course he hadn't won. That was obvious. My wife just laughed quietly beside me.

Houki was still watching Rokou. "What on earth are you talking about?"

I smirked again. Oh, this was fun. "Yes, explain it to her, sweet brother."

He gave her  startled look. "Anou..."

She tilted her head to the side, watching him. "Well?"

Hotohori cast me an amused glance. Apparently she was enjoying my brother's consternation as much as I was.

He was a bit pink. "Well..." His stalling tactic was one I had seen many times before. So I assisted him.

"When aniki and I were younger, we made a bet to see who would marry the prettiest woman," I told her cheerfully, grinning at her. "It's really nothing personal..."

She blinked. "I see..." Her eyes drifted to Rokou, feigning hurt. "Is that why you married me? Because I looked..." Her voice trailed off at the end.

Hotohori decided to finish it for her though, under her breath. "Like his brother?"

My eyes widened at the biting comment and I glared. My brother's eyes widened as well, but not for the same reason. "No!!" He actually looked upset. "You know that's not why!" His voice got gently. "It's because I love you..."

I nudged him. I didn't need this in front of me. I was too young! "So you do have a soft spot..."

He completely ignored me, taking Houki's hand shyly. She smiled at him gently, her voice quiet. "I know... I love you too."

I glanced out of the corner of my eye to Hotohori, who was smiling. I took a sip of my tea, pleased, though trying to look amusedly annoyed. Rokou gave me a slight glare, but it was clear that his attention was not focused on his younger brother.

"Well, aniki, we ought to be going," I said cheerfully, smirking. "I'm sure you two have lots to do... I know we do." I gave Hotohori a little smile.

He blinked at me, stunned as to what I was insinuating.

Hotohori stood, smiling back at me slightly, and then turned to look at my brother and his new wife. "It was good seeing you again, Rouko-san, and wonderful meeting your lovely wife..." She remained remarkably silent on the issue of family resemblances.

Houki stood as well, moving to stand behind my brother, resting a hand lightly on his shoulder and smiling silently.

I gave them a little grin, moving over beside Houki. I noted that she was shorter than me with satisfaction, and leaned down and kissed her lightly on the cheek. "Make sure he's good to you." I grinned at Rokou and moved back to my wife, slipping an arm around the waist I could feel was starting to blossom with our child. I wondered vaguely if it was a girl or boy.

Rokou gave me a dirty look. "I'll see you later, Ryuuen-chan." I noted with distaste that his tone leaned a little over the "chan" attached to my name.

Hotohori moved toward the door and I followed. She gave me a little smile as I shut it behind us. "They're cute together," she remarked pleasantly.

I was pleased. I liked Houki, though she deserved better than my brother. I smiled at that. "Very." My suddenly felt pensive. "But she looked like me..."

She hid a grin. "Only a bit." She glanced at me as we walked toward the throne room, my long skirts swishing against the ground. "Your brother has good taste..." She paused a moment, her tone going strangely serious. "But you're much more beautiful..."

I laughed cheerily. It was so good to see her happy. I had been so worried. "And so are you!" I took her arm in mine and we went on our way.
 
 

Go to the next part.

Return to Tokyo Tower.