Gomen nasai, Takiko, but it wasn’t for you that I did it.

I thought you’d all laugh if I told you the truth, so I let them all, even him, think I was in love with you. I let them think that is why I abandoned my home, my family, my body, and my life, why I remain in this cave protecting your necklace. I didn’t mean to deceive you, but I was afraid what you might think if I told you I loved him. I still do, through these two hundred years that we’ve been together. He still doesn’t know. I won’t tell him. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable or to hurt him. I’d rather he keep on thinking that I love you.

They were surprised when I was willing to give my life for you after living only sixteen years. But it wasn’t that I was giving up my life, you see. I was getting to spend it with the man I idealized, the one I loved with all my heart. I wouldn’t be able to touch him, but that didn’t really matter. He doesn’t know I love him, so what need would I have to touch him? I do wish I knew what his touch feels like, to know the sensation of his arms around me, the caress of his hands, the brush of his lips against mine, all the things lovers cherish that I will never know. Yet these don’t matter because I am with him. And until someone comes to take the Shinzaho, I will always be with him.

I sometimes just sit and watch him, memorizing how he moves, the gentle contours of his face, the quickness of his smile. He occasionally catches me gazing and asks me what is wrong, if I am remembering you. I just smile at him, hiding my sadness, wishing I could tell him, feeling a bit shy.

I miss the days of being a seishi, of flirting with Uruki, of teasing little Hatsui, of sneaking a touch to Hikitsu’s shoulder, his hair, his hand, of protecting you, Takiko. I miss all of our mishaps, wandering around the countryside, sleeping all together in one big room because that was all we ever could afford, watching him rest, his face so gentle and peaceful.

I think you knew. How I felt, I mean. You always did know me well. I was the second seishi you found, after only Hikitsu. And I know he loves you, so I won’t interfere. You’ll always have my word on that. I’m content loving him from here.

I suppose it is a little hard sometimes. There are times when he is so sweet to me, so kind, his voice gentle, and I just want to tell him how I feel, all of it. I almost did once, but I stopped myself in time. He still talks about you. Perhaps if he ever said something to me first, telling me he cared for me in that way, then I could respond. But until then, I have a sort of resigned contentment.

The cave is beautiful, you know, except the entrance, which is littered with bones. People other than seishi or mikos have come in here. Though they’ve never seen us, nor have we actively attacked them, they die and leave their remains, usually getting lost in here and freezing or starving. I can never bear to watch them die, knowing that even though they are not supposed to be here, I can give them no food or heat because none exists here. Despite that, I love sitting in the cavern with the Shinzaho, gazing at the beauty, remembering, dreaming. Two hundred years is a lot of time to pass. It’s hard being in this state of limbo, neither alive nor dead, but unable to touch any other human for comfort. I get depressed sometimes, but Hikitsu always manages to cheer me up again. Can anyone ever remain sad when the one they love is smiling kindly at them? At least for me, I can never stay upset at the way of things when I see him.

Takiko, I hope you’d be proud of me. I’ve tried very hard to be worthy of the name of Genbu seishi. Maybe we’ll all be reborn together, knowing each other, someday... Maybe I’ll be able to tell him how I feel then...

I hear something... perhaps they are more travelers on their way to die. I hope not. Perhaps it is Hikitsu calling me.

Perhaps someday, I’ll see you all again. Perhaps... someday... he might love me too...

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